Homesick reminders

I was depressed this morning and talked about it with Rachel as we were just getting out of bed at 2 pm...

What is it that makes being in a new place, in Glasgow, that is so difficult for me to find ways to have fun/meaning that seemed so easy in Detroit? I boiled it down to the feeling that you had a place to chase opportunities the way you wanted to go about it. There are people passionately working towards social justice or creating a community of ones own, and in many more ways one felt needed. And the pay off was always apparent, it was more than rewarding, you got access. Access to rooftops, to space to work, to people that are famous in their own right, access to get involved either more in depth and a lack of pressure to keep doing it out of guilt or need.
Friends didn't just share struggles, they shared joys of making, the joys of challenging work and the joys of doing it on your own terms or to show that you don't care what others think. Actually the biggest part was that you could prove to yourself that you could do it. You could be celebrated as an introvert and celebrated for doing things that don't make you any money and celebrated for still doing it even though you really needed the money. There just wasn't any commercial pressure, just lifes pressures, no expectations that you have to worry about anything other than your own survival, not worrying about if you got invited to a party. You were proud of the weirdest dorkiest things that you did with your friends and you didn't have to go to far or wait that long to hang out with those people. You were proud of who you could associate with because someone in your close circle of friends gave you hope and you knew that nothing in particular is your responsibilty. There was comfort when you wanted to only be among friends and excitement was just around the corner if you were bored and adventure if you decided to go somewhere on your bike. The funny thing was that as a city something really exciting didn't happen every week. If anything, really fun magical days of non-stop fun happened in 2 unexpected days out of the year, and usually in the summer. There was too much to do when all of the other days were awfully slow and uneventful, but life seemed to go at the right pace and I got to know so many amazing people that I can't believe we were all in one place and I was appreciated for exactly who I was, not what I had accomplished, but what I wanted to do. I miss you friends in Detroit.


But I also reminded myself of two things this morning/afternoon.

1. I came here to challenge myself in ways that takes away all the supports that I made myself and all the support I took advantage of in order to try something different for a little while, because even if I hated it (which I don't I'm just lonely), change is inherently a good thing. The biggest problem I have right now is not knowing what I like to do here for fun, because at least the solution to that is just figuring it out and it will take care of itself.

2. This is the best time I could have with Rachel. The difficulties I'm finding here are only equal to what Rachel had to put up with in Detroit, as a city it seems to take at least a yer and a half to get settled. So maybe it's not about pushing myself to achieve anything new here, but to just enjoy my time with Rachel because she is having a great time here.

Ok, stop putting so much pressure on yourself Cedric, just do the work that needs to be done, let it fail like it inevitably should if it's a bold new risk and enjoy what you know is working out just fine, the rest wasn't meant to be. A little pep talk never hurts.