ADHD guide for/by Artists, Day 10

Oooh, i've been waiting to do a big controversial medical based post, but I just didn't know what the best way of contextualizing it all would be.

I was going to wait until I got some feedback, I was also going to post this as 2 separate posts... but you know what? It's May Day, and I mention Kaiser Permanente folk that went on strike, so that seems good enough of a connection to me! (Plus i'm going to take the next two days off, so maybe read this in stages? I don't know, i'm impulsive and I didn't sleep at all last last night.)

So to begin, a "Full disclosure" was one of the pages from #ADHDGuideForByArtists version 1 (to keep me out of trouble):

I'm pretty sure I need some kind of disclosure because this was my favorite part of the rough draft of the 'Zine' (ADHD guide for/by Artists) that i think would probably keep it from wider publishing and distribution (because it's TOO useful):

I'm worried about transcribing everything that's on this page, so... if I find out it's totally legal to say all of this stuff, i'll definetely be updating this caption.

Unfortunately, I am not going to transcribe this like i normally would for access reasons, because that would make it too easily... google-able? So like Ubu-Web and Library Genesis, let's just keep a good thing going by not talking about Fight Club.

Here's the digital version, is cleaner better? Did I just want to show it to you twice? I think I just wanted to show it to you twice, i'm really proud of the information on this page. I've met more than a few people that have avoided going to Kaiser for mental health reasons, so hopefully this convinces you to PLEASE GO! Read my tips! Your mental health is sooooo important even if these guys are flawed, there are WAYS around it.

Ok, let's just keep the controversy rolling shall we?

This is what is really confusing me right now...

I've kept trying to get my doc to agree to change my meds for the last 6 months because

1. this is about to get really expensive without have a job (I even knew 6 months ago I would probably not have the same job/healthcare!)

2. i want to try to get off of meds to maybe just one that can deal with Sensitive Rejection Dysphoria (yeah yeah yeah, it's not in the DSM, but emotional de-regulation isn't attached to ADHD and developmental trauma disorder isn't being considered either, so it looks like a crap shoot at the moment, plus i've got the time/consistency to try things out that i didn't have before.)

3. i can't sleep well at all since he upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 100mg to 200mg and i've been super irritable/agitated

If you look in the blurry background there's 3 total different meds I've now been put on. BUT before that all happened i felt like a genius, i said to my doc that i want to be able to go down from 10 mg to 5 mg of Adderall, so i was prescribed 15 mg in 5 mg doses that i then would be able to order as a 90-day supply. When i usually keep it at 5 mg, that means i've got like a 210 day supply, that cost me $30! So to compare, with my new healthcare, i'll definitely hit my $300 deductible for a 30 day supply... thats like... at least 10X more expensive? See more fun figures at the bottom if you want to know how I figured all that crap out... it took 2 whole days of lots of phone calls to get a straight answer of "how much more $$$ am i about to spend to get the same amount of care?" P.S. Do not get COBRA if you're not sure especially because no one will tell you that YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT even if you realize too late it's super expensive and therefore not the right plan for you since you'd qualify for Covered CA. Where is this very important advice supposed to go????

so what did my doc do? he increased my dosage of Wellbutrin (it's a stimulant, i just said that i'm having trouble sleeping???) and then he prescribed Seroquel, because I guess secondary and tertiary meds are a totally normal thing?

Tangent, this is my not-great analogy, but i made myself laugh, I feel like this is what I was just prescribed: "and lastly... take this dog to take care of the cats that we got to take care of the mice. Since you asked we originally starting using mice because of their useful side effect which is that their poo makes YOU immediately want to clean EVERY surface, so we've called it the "clean mouse program" and you end up with a super clean house. Also another added side affect of the dog program, it doubles as security, and will force you to be more disciplined. All of this will only change your lifestyle a little bit, so we're recommending starting with 2 cats, most people take up to 5 cats, but we'll cross that bridge if we have to. Would you like these cats from a breeder or these generic ones we just found outside for free? Let us know immediately if the cats are not working out for whatever reason, but... i mean, that's what the dogs are for."

(Note to self: Hedva's Letter to a Young Doctor is MUCH more appropriate in this context, this is just a neat little placeholder)

I'm STILL going to see the meds through, I'm still going to give it a chance over the next few weeks. I made sure to ask A TON of questions (what happens if i can't afford it anymore, what would 'going cold turkey' be like?) But it turns out (according to the Body Keeps the Score) these aren't the most important questions:

All related Excerpts From: Bessel van der Kolk MD. “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.”

“The drug revolution that started out with so much promise may in the end have done as much harm as good. The theory that mental illness is caused primarily by chemical imbalances in the brain that can be corrected by specific drugs has become broadly accepted, by the media and the public as well as by the medical profession.22 In many places drugs have displaced therapy and enabled patients to suppress their problems...  ...After conducting numerous studies of medications for PTSD, I have come to realize that psychiatric medications have a serious downside, as they may deflect attention from dealing with the underlying issues. The brain-disease model takes control over people’s fate out of their own hands and puts doctors and insurance companies in charge of fixing their problems.
Over the past three decades psychiatric medications have become a mainstay in our culture, with dubious consequences. Consider the case of antidepressants. If they were indeed as effective as we have been led to believe, depression should by now have become a minor issue in our society. Instead, even as antidepressant use continues to increase, it has not made a dent in hospital admissions for depression. The number of people treated for depression has tripled over the past two decades, and one in ten Americans now take antidepressants.24”

“The new generation of antipsychotics, such as Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel, are the top-selling drugs in the United States. In 2012 the public spent $1,526,228,000 on Abilify, more than on any other medication. Number three was Cymbalta, an antidepressant that sold well over a billion dollars’ worth of pills,25 even though it has never been shown to be superior to older antidepressants like Prozac, for which much cheaper generics are available.”

“All too often, however, drugs such as Abilify, Zyprexa, and Seroquel, are prescribed instead of teaching people the skills to deal with such distressing physical reactions. Of course, medications only blunt sensations and do nothing to resolve them or transform them from toxic agents into allies.”

“I sometimes give my patients low doses of benzodiazepines to use as needed, but not enough to take on a daily basis. They have to choose when to use up their precious supply, and I ask them to keep a diary of what was going on when they decided to take the pill. That gives us a chance to discuss the specific incidents that triggered them.”

“Mainstream trauma treatment has paid scant attention to helping terrified people to safely experience their sensations and emotions. Medications such as serotonin reuptake blockers, Respiridol and Seroquel increasingly have taken the place of helping people to deal with their sensory world.28 However, the most natural way that we humans calm down our distress is by being touched, hugged, and rocked.”

“Antipsychotic medications such as Risperdal, Abilify, or Seroquel can significantly dampen the emotional brain and thus make patients less skittish or enraged, but they also may interfere with being able to appreciate subtle signals of pleasure, danger, or satisfaction. They also cause weight gain, increase the chance of developing diabetes, and make patients physically inert, which is likely to further increase their sense of alienation. These drugs are widely used to treat abused children who are inappropriately diagnosed with bipolar disorder or mood dysregulation disorder. More than half a million children and adolescents in America are now taking antipsychotic drugs, which may calm them down but also interfere with learning age-appropriate skills and developing friendships with other children.60”

It really seems to me that when it comes to an ADHD diagnosis, there's this huge divide between WHEN someone was prescribed medications. Actually, medications aside, it really seems that those who were diagnosed as children (and maybe got an IEP or a 504 or... something) and those who were diagnosed later in life, like in their 30s, have such vastly different views of how to 'take care' of ADHD. For me personally, i'd never really looked into the label, and was actually put on Adderall but not explicitly told that it is for ADHD, weird huh? When i did finally look into #TimeBlindness something finally clicked and sooo much made depressing sense.

but for anyone who was diagnosed when they were younger and therefore put on meds as a child... yeah that is terrible. i feel like i am 'out' as someone with adhd, and people tend to seem meek about admitting that they have a doctor that put them on Adderall, but to a kid, that label is utterly life defining, and that's a travesty.

i'm not going to say that it's all a big pharma conspiracy, because i think most conspiracies are a slippery slope into ignorance, BUT i can imagine why there's such a huge pushback on meds, and the preference to run for 3 hours straight every day instead of meds, or to avoid all medications all together and just feel all of the feelings, despite how difficult it will be.

As one friend put it (not even related to meds actually) how do these kids have a sense of self to even know how to separate themselves from a diagnosis (or to know what they're supposed to be feeling?)

If a kid is rambunctious and an adult has the power to get a medication that can slow that tyke down, there is a power imbalance there that likely will not go unchecked because it could be prescribed by a teacher, by a guardian, by the state... unfortunately, the most avid non-prescription/medication folk are... Scientologists, so i'm somewhere in between.

What mostly bums me out is that my meds generally make me feel like I can be a bare-minimum level of productive, but that should definetely send some alarm bells, it did to me, and it seems like an obvious trap. Why? Because what i consider the bare-minimum level of productivity is INSANE (just look at this whole post), so i'll definitely be working on feeling feelings rather than helping... whoever gains the most from me working myself to death.

This is where i'm suppose to say "because Capitalism" right? Capitalism wants me to work to death, and before meds, I was just bad at Capitalism... i was always late, could only be goal oriented towards seemingly useless stuff that only interested me... the two ways i think i couldn't possibly get away from Capitalism were the impulsive purchases/money decisions, and the fact that if i use my hyperfocus for 'productivity' and for competitive gains over others, i am the problem.





So this is another big reason I want there to be a robust ADHD Guide that can show a bigger picture that can speak to this major gap between where medical information is right now, and all of the holistic stuff that isn't taken seriously.

Although even the holistic stuff rests somewhere between many ideas from many cultures/ways of doing somatic therapies, of how to make the unconscious conscious, of how its best to become self-aware but without any instructions (i.e. meditation, talk therapy), and it also includes... the cultural appropriation of that white Sikh guy in Beverly Hills with his super expensive prescriptions (and he doesn't take insurance btw).

I think we're all still waiting for the day that 'alternative medicine' is no longer allowed to be seen as subservient to the larger medical industry in the states. I know that I have a lot to unlearn because it's so common to hear about holistic methods described in a dismissive tone (especially somatic ones.) I've been told by a PT at Kaiser that "sure i could point you in the direction of acupuncture, but it's just a placebo..." (then why would it be covered by insurance) i've asked 3 times and still haven't really been pointed in the right direction. I think it's easy to be skeptical if you ever have come across those advertisements that say things like "this acupuncture will make you lucky, rich and happy", it's as real as experts in Feng Shui.

And then there are my own experiences... like the time that i was the only person to show up to a yoga class at the Yand afterwards was 'reiki'd' and it was just... weird. Or the time I was told that people with ADHD are empaths (and can therefore read people's emotions/minds)

So please do share with me your stories of "real" energy work, not the stories where you know someone who can talk to animals. I want to know that science and magical things can and do exist, i.e. look at these brain scans that show that these ideal parent meditations totally made this person much less anxious in 6 months, and we tracked all types of people from all types of backgrounds over a 20 year span, and tons of control variables in place...and i want to know your philosophy of what care/health/wellness/a good death means.

I should add, that there are plenty of battles going on in the healthcare world as well. There's a chance that Bessel van der Kolk and Russell Barkley may have to duke it out one day if Barkley gets his way in the DSM-5.5 and there gets to be only 2 types of ADHD, one with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (aka Psychopaths) and ADD without ODD (90% of people with ADHD), or we may end up with Bessel van der Kolk's broader description where ADHD is not a necessary label because his research has lead him to the much simpler 'Developmental Trauma Disorder'. But alas, both will depend on convincing stalwart clinicians/psychologists who hold so much sway over the DSM. Which you'd hope would be easier to do than it actually is... check out the guy who tried to debunk Positive Psychology. van der Kolk's simplification would kindof match what one of my therapists says; that ADHD is an over-hyped as a term, it's all just different aspects of anxiety & depression and that meds should only be used in service of feeling feelings.

So this is where the debate about "Does ADHD exist" gets pretty complicated. In the end, I don't want to be arguing about semantics. I want to be able to parse out what helps me achieve my personal goals and what am I doing to just seem 'normal'... to me there couldn't be a bigger difference. Kindof like the difference between someone being spiritual and someone going to church to pray the gay away.

All of this also makes me think about  how humans always keep categorizing things to its finest... made up... details. (see: hierarchy)

Hopefully i haven't freaked you out about how much work seems necessary to make sure you've 'got the upper hand' on all of the medical sides of ADHD, but i think you can't separate it from all of the cultural specificities of what makes it a disorder in the first place.

I do also think it'd be great if i can help some people out so that unlike me, you don't have to go through ALL of this.

Lastly on the medical front, according to my calculations, I'll be going from paying about $2,808 in healthcare costs up to $6,264 for the exact same care. So I've just found out that it would be cheapest to get the Kaiser Platinum Plan?!?, that just seems kindof shocking to me. So to keep things easier, I'm going to try to do less meds, less therapy and stick with the Silver Plan... you can check out the numbers below (or not, it's pretty intimidating), or you can ignore all of that and just think about what you may need to figure out if you lost your job/health insurance. Hint: None of it is fun or gratifying. Thankfully we're all different, so I can't say ANYTHING for sure! But what shouldn't change, is that your care/costs should not be based on how privileged you are to be able to understand, breakdown into smaller chunks, and wade through, all of this information...

One of my friends said that 80% of what you pay into healthcare doesn't actually go to your care (citation NEEDED)

If you'd like a copy of this excel spreadsheet to use as a calculator to plan for the whole year, hit me up, but you'll need to know how much your meds cost. Also mine includes seeing a therapist outside of what Kaiser offers so... i don't know if I'd ever meet my deductible with a super bill, but i know it's something to keep in mind. Ok, now i'm going to bed.

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 9

Precise Words (Terminology) are important.

“Crip” is a word used by many people in disabled communities as a fuck-you, in-your-face reclaimed word, short for cripple—similar to how queers have reclaimed the word “queer.” Not everyone likes it or uses it; people have complex feeling about it, and it’s not great for abled people to use it. Leroy Moore coined the term “Krip” to avoid using a term that also is the name of the Crip gang/street economic organization.”
Excerpt From: Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. “Care Work.” (p. 105)

More definitions that were kindof on 'repeat' from doing a year and a half of weekly talk therapy with a Mr. Berger:

           

Image text reads: A Therapist-ism Glossary, What is... Anxiety: the surge of feelings that rise up against being pushed down, Depression: pushing down feelings, usually when trying to be productive, Healthy: This is a paradox. It involves increasing your ability to feel, less hopelessness, being more self-aware, less neurotic, probably more grounded in reality, but these are not the goals in and of themselves,(i.e. you may know that it’s important to feel warm and safe, but you don’t become healthy by pursuing warmth & safety), Normal: whatever childhood looked like to you when growing up, Personality: something you develop to protect yourself, especially from feelings that are too painful to feel on your own, Talk Therapy: mental health care in which someone (usually trained in psychotherapy) helps you to feel feelings that are too painful to feel on your own. The goal is to reduce anxiety and depression so that you don’t end up losing 20 years of life to some kind of addiction (whatever it is that you do to avoid painful feelings)

Some people believe that if we say 'negative' words we are more likely to make negative things come true, and the same logic would apply to 'positive' words. Although there are no 'positive' or 'negative' emotions, Jodorowsky found it important to have his own version of 'Politically Correct' ways of speaking, which is to say, "Intellectually Correct":

Image Text Reads: “Intelectualmente Correcto” from lessons for Mutant, "Psychomagic" by Alejandro Jodorosky
very few times instead of never,
often instead of always
someone who took something that belongs to someone else instead of thief,
unknown expanse instead of infinite
incomprehensable time instead of eternal,
you show me how to learn from myself instead of you are my teacher,
I am being ineffective instead of I want to do,
I reject what I am instead of I want to be,
allow me to take instead of give me,
I do not respect you instead of imitate me,
the being with whom I share my life instead of my wife/husband/partner,
what I have been given to do instead of my work,
I perceive you this way instead of you are like this,
what I have now instead of mine,
to change form instead of die

to be each day less confused instead of Decision
to be each day less cowardly instead of Bravery
to be each time less dumb instead of Intelligence
to be each day less anxious instead of Happiness

I continue instead of I begin,
I feel good instead of Beautiful day,
Change activity instead of to fail,
I believe instead of I know,
I am responsible instead of I am to blame

If you like this work that i'm compiling, please consider becoming a subscriber on Patreon.com/cedrictai

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 8

i was going to post more new things, but i found some old diagram-like things i had made previously, including one specifically for ADHD:

[Image is mostly text and it includes an image of a cartoon woman putting a hand to her thinking face with this text: Dr. Russell A. Barkley’s rules for changing the situation well enough

to reduce how handicapped or disabled you will be within it.
Rule 1: STOP THE ACTION, with a simple action to stave off the urge to act. Do this instead: Silently say, “well, let me think about that”, Put your hand over your mouth, paraphrase what was just said to you outloud, Roleplay being a slowed down character (i.e. Winnie the Pooh)

Rule 2: SEE THE PAST… AND THEN THE FUTURE: turn on an imaginary visual device (the mind’s eye) (there's a picture of the Meseeks from Rick and Morty, icons of a person being filmed while they go down the stairs with a laptop in one hand, an image of two people looking over expensive bills and a broken laptop and an image of an icon at the top of a mountain with a backpack on)

Lock onto the image of: Your favorite scene from a TV show (including miming turning it on with a remote), Imagine yourself on the same screen, in a very similar situation. What happened last time? Elaborate on every detail and action, Photo/draw/find an image representing “Do” also do the same that represents “Don’t”

Excerpt From: Elizabeth Gilbert's “Big Magic.”

(reject) [The Martyr] vs. (embrace) -The Trickster-
[kidnapped and is holding creativity hostage]
-where creativity was born-                        
[Dark] [Solemn] [Macho] [Hierarchical] [Fundamentalist] [Austere] [Unforgiving] [profoundly Rigid]
-Light-  - Sly - - Transgender - -Animist- - Seditious- -Primal- -and endlessly Shape-shifting-

[I will sacrifice everything to fight this unwinnable war, even if it means being crushed to death under a wheel of torment.] -Okay, you enjoy that! As for me, I’ll be over here in this corner, running a successful little black market operation on the side of your unwinnable war.-
[Life is pain.] -Life is interesting.-
[The system is rigged against all that is good and sacred.] -There is no system, everything is good, and nothing is sacred.-

[Nobody will ever understand me.] -Pick a card, any card!-
[The world can never be solved.] -Perhaps not. . . but it can be gamed.-
[Through my torment, the truth shall be revealed.] -I didn't come here to suffer, pal.-
[Death before dishonor!] -Let's make a deal.-
In the end… Martyr always ends up dead in a heap of broken glory, while Trickster trots off to enjoy another day.                                          

Martyr: Sir Thomas Moore, Trickster: Bugs Bunny

[the Martyr TRUSTS pain, fear and anguish in the process, being alone, that ideas are defenseless, babies]

-the Trickster TRUSTS him / herself / themselves / itself, his own cunning, her right to be here, their ability to land on their feet, the universe-

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 7

ok, well this is as far as i got today:

 

These are just a handful of the "therapist-isms" from 2 years of talk therapy (much of it weekly) where i would hear the same thing over and over and still manage to forget them...

Often, i don’t want to go to therapy, he says, “Good!”,
"maybe next time i can get you to be angry”…
this guy…

DAE have a relationship like this?
Although, i disagree with his politics a lot,
i must say it was absolutely effective at getting rid of my panic attacks.
If you hang out with me enough you might even hear me parroting some of this stuff,
it's simple, just not actually easy.

Next post will be either a glossary of terms or maybe i'll just try out some different designs where text is just big and bold. 

 

I’m not quite sure yet if it would go near the front (most clear info) or the back (most existential info), but i must say, without the goal of making a pocket-guide/zine about ADHD that i wish existed, it would have never occurred to have organized all of my notes from those years and to have them closer at hand. 

 

So if you think that i've got a good idea going... please consider joining Patreon.com/cedrictai.

[Image says in big letters, 

your only job is to feel things.

around that is the text: therapist-isms 

(making the unconscious conscious, 

towards less depression & anxiety) 

instead of trying to be “happy”… 

instead of thinking that you’re “special”… 

instead of saying, “everyone’s doing their best”… 

instead of hoping that somehow, someone else will apologize… 

All of us, all of the time, are unconsciously doing whatever we can to try to get away from feeling painful feelings.

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 6

A personal example of time-blindness

(i apologize in advance for not typing out everything that will be in the images, i will get to it!)

I didn’t intend to actually put this online, since it was just the usual thought process that hit a dead end and was about to disappear into the ether. But i just wanted to see how long it would actually take to write every tangent, follow every lily pad hopping thought out in its entirety.

Everything below actually ran through my head at "regular speed”, so honestly I’d say it felt like 5-15 seconds of 'zoning out’? My brain probably did a lot of short-hand, but all the content really was there. I’m not elaborating, just transcribing. Once i could see it all written from afar, it was fascinating, and Rach said "oh my god, that's insane." so i'm glad i at least intuited that this might be an entertaining way to reveal my #neurodivergent mind at work for better or worse.

- - -

[fantasy starts with me at a podium giving a lecture]

''hi my name is cedric tai and my talk is about the politics of ADHD, my art & disability (social) justice. If i could turn your attention to these diagrams... this is the clearest way i can explain my dilemma:''

• and then i remembered the advice someone said they got from their therapist, that they were tasked with doing 'nothing' since they already work so hard, 
• and then i remembered my therapist saying, your only job is to feel things, don't forget to feel sad, and then i remembered a friend saying that all of this work won't be for naught, even if it doesn't make sense right now,
• and then i remembered that my therapist said, what good is it to have something you're not doing?  
  
  so i stopped worrying about trying to worry on top of it all. 

i'm not quite sure what my transcribed daydream has to do with my adhd guide for/by artists, but i think it has to do with noticing my own thoughts, being more conscious of them, turning something mundane and vulnerable into the curiosity that it actually is. 

So, i guess, as long as i'm not using this post to avoid feeling feelings that are too painful to feel, then... whatever? This thought to be continued in the next post...

Quick note, friends have been talking about how we’re going to try checking in on each other more/better, so yeah, posting something everyday is rough, But thanks for checkin in!

Patreon.com/cedrictai