Saturday, May 12, 2012

I can't help it, losing track of things is part of my life.

Being in the moment is a double edged sword.
I lose stuff all the time, most people who know me know that this happens to me, but really they have no idea in the sense of how hard I work to counteract this thing that I know about myself.  There are moments when I am furious with how my brain works, but I'm trying to appreciate that this absent-mindedness comes with other ways that I engage in a eccentric and unique way with reality and I also have a sense of awareness and sensitivity that brings about the kinds of ideas that could make for some interesting artwork.

I'm working on convincing myself that being able to keep track of the things that I misplace has nothing to do with not taking 'adulthood' and responsibility seriously (I beat myself up about it enough already) and that although I'll never get used to how hard life seems to be once I lose something I really needed or liked this is just who I am.

Here is a rundown of what is depressing me, I have lost something different every day for a week.

Tuesday May 1st: left iPhone on bus (it was found and returned using the Find My Phone feature)
Wednesday: Missed my alarm for getting to the last class on time (You can't makeup lost time)
Missed an induction scheduled for me and one other person (won't be rescheduled for me)
Friday: Forgot my watch for giving a tour (found it later, but after I needed it)
Saturday: Forgot my bag at Ross and Amy's place (Amy returned it to me)
Sunday: Artist tape (still missing)
Monday: Missing the grey cloth I had ordered on the phone (I couldn't tell what I had ordered, but didn't check until it was too late)
Tuesday: My exacto knives (retrieved from where I left them but a day later)
Wednesday: Missed meeting up with Jim, also I left my drill (was handed to me before I realized I had lost it)
Thursday: Jacket with my keys and bus pass inside (someone retrieved it for me)
My drill bits (found them with other hardware packed away)
Saturday: Phone charger and converter (recently went missing at work)

this month's biggest forgetful moment: 
left iPhone on bus (it was found and returned)
before that: The cable that would connect the video camera to the computer (still missing)
previous month's big loss: left my SLR and duty-free bag in Edinburgh coming back from Morocco at a T-mobile store (it was retrieved by Rachel)

before that: my warm fuzzy hat (gone)
before that: I left my wallet coming back from London on the bus (returned with all of its money still in it)
before that: this beautiful double thick llama scarf that Rachel had knit for me (gone)

This is going to sound quite absurd and funny to other people, but I'm very serious about my understanding of what I think needs to happen because many other strategies of mine have failed, so this is my current plan of attack for the future:

1. Working hard enough to earn enough money to be able to buy 2 perhaps 3 of the same thing so that it's not so bad if I misplace one of them. (I've done this with cheap sunglasses, and I find myself doing it more and more subconsciously, and surprisingly this works better than everything else to keep from feeling awful when I lose something, I actually feel clever once I realize I've lost it but I can quickly recover.)

2. Work hard enough to afford to pay an assistant who can fill in for the part of my brain that is engrossed in other activities.

I am coming to terms with the notion that some people are innately good at certain activities that it requires little practice for them to become sufficient than what we consider is the 'norm' and that conversely some people are innately not as good and need more practice to become sufficient than what we consider is the 'norm'. This means that I may already work harder than most people to keep track of things, but also I will continue to have to work harder than other people still. This isn't about developing a great work ethic, this is about understanding of my own limits and thinking about what I have control over in order to simply be ok, and at my best moments, happy.

Unfortunately my other options are thus (and they have been so far)

1. Own nothing and do not take on any responsibilities of any real importance in order to avoid conflicts with other people.

2. Beat myself up mentally until a nervous breakdown forces me into assisted care where my life is highly managed by hospital staff.

3. Practice remembering things by chanting the name of the object I have to keep track of and it's location throughout the day like a mantra.

No comments: