Monday, May 4, 2020

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 11

It was nice taking a break from posting something EVERYDAY.  My co-habitor and I found a spot far away from people, surrounded by Joshua Trees, where we could just run around naked, and i can't recommend it enough.
So it feels a little cruel to have forced myself for 10 days, 11 counting today, to stare at a screen and tell you how much work i've done and how much work i imagine i have yet to do. Actually it sounds downright ironic considering that this project is supposed to be both a collective venture, and one that is sustainable.
Now that this i'm winding this particular project down, i think that what would be most helpful for me (besides you graciously considering an exchange of $3 - $8 towards this project to be hosted on patreon.com/cedrictai) is to take stock, and follow the ever forgiving mantra that ADHD'ers live by: done is better than good.

Ok first off, tomorrow is both my birthday, the launch of the ADHD Guide for/by Artists (Version 0.1), and my final daily blog post of semi-polished, crip, forays into organized Time-Blindness/Intention-Deficit Disorder research. This whole post is going to be about what i wish i could have covered in this kindof brief but intense experiment...
1. What i wish i also could get across is that it was all much harder than i could possibly convey...
...and i only kept my sanity/interest because of artists on similar journeys like K Bradford, Amara Leipzig, Chris Cole, Veronique D'Entremont, Stephanie Glazier, Joey Cannizzaro and Rachel Yezbick who at the same time were also feeding me some amazing information.

And also a whole years' worth of groundwork had been laid during long walks/talks, "informal ADHD Conferences" with Christina Villamor and Mallory Bass! And a slew of other friends that never asked to be taken off of my mailing list even if though they may not have had Intention-Deficit Disorder.

And even more great loving grounding came from Dylan Berkey, Meghan Gordon, and my Queer family dubbed 'The Kinship Circle.'

And i SO look forward to talking more with other friends that i'm sure will be coming more out of the woodworks.
And i am so thankful for Level Ground, Casa Lu, 'unemployment' and slew of residencies/grants that i actually didn't win that all helped me to focus on a single meaningful 'project' and so more than anything else i look forward to working with their resources in the very immediate future.
When i was feeling super guilty about ALL the friends i haven't talked to in a while, (and just not worrying about it wasn't really an option, because i do need to force myself to be social when i want to hide. My M.O. has been to identify nice people, assume the best and form a mutual support network) i came up with a new structured diagram that would take the pressure off of trying to prioritize, plan, and remember who i wanted to chat with once my self-imposed chaos calmed down.



[Pictured are concentric circles chock full of names where each main ring also extends into the next outer ring: the people i want to get in touch with. In the center are people who i know very well, and it goes outwards from there outwards to ancestors at the very edges. Like this post, it's kindof a brain dump, but it gives perspective on how difficult it may be to prioritize even talking to friends we want to talk to and how everyone may have this many feelings of obligations too. although it's written in pen, the diagram represents the fluid contact i get with people who i try to be closer to and those i have yet to get to know better.]


Often there's this appearance from social media posts that productivity is something to be impressed by, so a few friends have conveyed that "it’s kindof intimidating how productive you’ve been during the pandemic" but the reality is that i'm starting from other people's original material, the productivity is more of a sign of my depression/desperation, a real-time refusal to feel feelings, and really none of it has gone through any proper filter/editing process, which any self-respecting person would have implemented from the get. 

To counteract the rosiness of productivity, this is also what 'just trying to be productive looks like’:

[16 pictures of me crying, but i kindof wanted to show that there's such a whole range of why i or anyone else  might be crying, and how i want to be proud that i can do things like allow myself to cry in public, but also sh*t IS hard and it's so so easy to forget that, and usually i don't want to show it, which is also sad. (Footnote to a caption 1)]

Thankfully, this wasn't an exercise in 'how can me and my friends truly get ourselves to rest' because basically, we all failed.2  It was an exercise in, 'how much can i really put myself and this project 'out there' to get the support that could really make it what it needs to be?'

I'm flying my little time-blindness flag to call out for allies (that i otherwise may not have reached out to otherwise) and imagine that i'm also holding up a sign that reads: "Can people who chronically show up late, still be part of the Revolution?"


2. Lastly, i'm going to list a bunch of things that i kept wanting to have gone deeper into, to talk about, to get it organized, so that it could be made more accessible (and therefore have made it into the rough draft.) The main thing I discovered was that there is definitely a gap in the voices/research on ADHD and it's missing the indigenous/First Nations piece as well as Feminist takes on ADHD.

Just like there were so many more words for genders in some of the earliest societies, i'd be curious if there was ever a point in which Time Blindness was ascribed to a certain kind of identity.
A still from 'Never Not Been a Part of Me', where the Oakland Museum of California interviewed people including Artist L. Frank. Here they're describing the complicated historical meaning behind various names that now all fall under the pan-Indian, umbrella term used by some Indigenous groups: 'Two-Spirit'.
When i say that i'm looking for Feminist takes on ADHD, it's not that far off from anti-capitalist approaches, nor social justice conversations, but there really are some great authors that i wasn't familiar with in the last 5 years, such as Sara Ahmed's "Living a Feminist Life" that could inform some really poignant/lived/intersectional ways of approaching the topic. Consider these ideas as also enveloping an ADHD perspective:
“We are dismissed as emotional. It is enough to make you emotional.”
“it is dangerous to be perceived as dangerous.”
“a system is working when an attempt to transform that system is blocked.”
"Mere persistence can be an act of disobedience. And then: you have to persist in being disobedient. And then: to exist is disobedient."
“By using the idea of sweaty concepts, I am also trying to show how descriptive work is conceptual work... ...A sweaty concept might come out of a bodily experience that is trying. The task is to stay with the difficulty, to keep exploring and exposing this difficulty. We might need not to eliminate the effort or labor from the writing. Not eliminating the effort or labor becomes an academic aim because we have been taught to tidy our texts, not to reveal the struggle we have in getting somewhere. Sweaty concepts are also generated by the practical experience of coming up against a world, or the practical experience of trying to transform a world.”
“And note then: you can killjoy not as a deliberate or intentional act; you might even be trying to participate in the joy of others. You can killjoy because you are not properly attuned to the requirements of a social system.”
i wish there was an ADHD advocate who flowed like this, and the writing style really reminds me of how i toss ideas around in my head. But also in each quote, it feels like the author is saying 'enough is enough. We need to see our invisible labor as overwhelming, and it's going to feel queer... it's going to show who is really doing the work, and then, under the guise of solidarity, we willfully stop.'

I also feel like it's related to Queering ADHD, Queering Time-Blindness, Queering Intention Deficit Disorder...






- - -

Ok, now this is pretty much a brain dump: the BIG LIST of stuff i never got around to (and i actually at one point thought it was feasible to complete all of these things in 12 days before May 5th so it really shows the kind of problematic work ethic i have to fight against):

  • I'm not quite sure where more wordy references go, things like

  • i'm starting to find specific quotes to clarify how diagnosis/illness relates to Capitalism or Neoliberalism or Marxism as a lens to view ADHD, not just Disability (the inability to perform labor) or Depression, on a macro scale in culture/ society that cannot imagine being anything different, not having hope that alternatives exist.
    • Marxism has a lot to do with who controls time, who works, when, and how long... (citation needed)
    • A version of ADHD in relationship to Capitalism is kindof covered by Mark Fisher of K-Punk, (who himself was a victim of of depression)
    • 24/7 Late Capitalism and the Ends of Sleep by Jonathan Crary could be paired with Dr. Ellen Littman's passage - " In ADHD brains, the RAS is dysregulated; circadian cycles tend to skew towards higheractivity levels in the evening, resulting in later bedtimes and waking times.  Many individuals with ADHD mismanage time and finally have personal time at the end ofthe evening.  This is when they watch TV, engage with their social media, or playgames on the computer.  It has also been shown that the blue LED light from computer and other such screens increases brain alertness while suppressing the normal elevation of melatonin that signals the circadian clock. As a result, ADHDbrains are often flooded with both internal and external stimulation until after midnight, delaying sleep and making it difficult to be an early riser."
    • And there's PLENTY of references to Neoliberalism in this recent book i've come across4 "Once a child has a diagnosis, parents are required to make informed decisions about medication. Discourses around childhood, parent-ing and psychiatric diagnosis converge around the issue of medication. Children, within contemporary neoliberal Western societies, are represented as vulnerable, innocent and in need of protection, and their parents are required to assume prime responsibility for their care, protection and well-being.
  • i was encouraged to consider an additional 'Workbook' that could/would accompany the Artists Guide for/by Artists (i'm glad i didn't convince myself to also get this finished by May 5th)
    •  Write out all of the current techniques that are known for working well with the ADHD brain and make it so that someone could make a 'Guide to their own brain' by crossing out the strategies that don't work, and emphasizing the ones that consistently work.
      • i could use that space to lay out examples of some specific techniques/strategies
        • The A, B, Cs (do everything in A before moving onto B)
        • Totally put off by the time to match up socks?: buy 1 single style of sock
        • Strength-based coaching
        • too many to name, don't know why i started to...
    • Make 3 pages similar to the 'Anti-coloring book' and maybe riff off of existing workbooks...
      • A prompt that reads: Your brain has lots of activity going on, draw what it feels like is happening in there. (Or what could emotions look like?)
      • A prompt that reads, I want to be asked for My help, draw what could mutual aid look like starting with what you know you can provide.
      • The Best Friends Learning Gang had a prompt about alien bodies, it spawned a lot of interesting expansive forms of bodies, what could be inspired by their approach?
      • Maybe it's something simple where an actual CBT workbook section is meant to be 'corrected' and there are some prompts about how to alter/question/debunk certain top down aspects of it.
    • i wonder if i could also expand how workbooks usually work (they're like diaries but much more clinical in nature), instead maybe this document could be a collection point for being in conversation with other people about ones strengths.
      • "Conversation Starters" using 4 memes pulled from the internet, that may share some kind of theme but very different tones. i imagined being more willing to discuss why something made me laugh and how different people may relate to the each one differently. i like that humor is interestingly elusive and indirect, maybe it can be its own kind of Rorschach test.

      • Maybe this workbook can include things that are bit more didactically 'useful' but still involve other people as an external motivator (i don't like that workbooks just assume that you'll... willingly do them? really?... in relation to ADHD?...) i wonder if it's possible to create prompts in expansive ways beyond the single reader, but to engage with ones wider support network and to flesh out ideas:
        • Have a section where someone would be filling out what is essentially a letter of appreciation about you, maybe there's a good example of clear, unequivocal support and it's made 'madlibs' style. And you could also consider using it to give someone else a letter as opposed to receiving it, but in either case, it would only work if done with genuine care.
        • Other specific things i would include in this that i've already made would include the 'Checklist-Did List-Feelings Tracking-Countdown Charts'.
        • A section on what i learned about To Do Lists from Kaiser's ADHD group sessions
        • The ADHD Coronavirus Schedule
      • Maybe its a spot where if people can't even think of questions you wish you were asked, you have a spot where it gets written out, it's blatent, you're not asking for sympathy, you asking for THIS on your terms.


*Footnote to a caption 1:To all the men i know, how about posting an actual image of vulnerability, (not just being a savior) sometime eh? The pervasive ho hum positivity is actually kindof toxic, and i want to push back on it. Have you ever seen posts of men 'fake crying' for a laugh?... and some people say women aren't funny...

2
How do i know? Because we never stopped posting things on Instagram about how much we need to take a rest to defeat Capitalism/Colonialism/Depression, we never stopped being optimistic, we couldn't get more people to think that Bernie Sanders/Elizabeth Warren ticket was possible, and that by other countries standards, their policies wouldn't actually be that radical*.

3i just have to say, it is such a relief to be able to find so many of these great resources to download illegally, and seeing how i could weave all of these things together. 
i don't know if i've ever told anyone this embarrassing story, but when i was getting my teaching certificication i would go on and on about this brilliant book called 'The Myth of Laziness" by this author Dr. Mel Levine, and all i really retained was the words 'output failure', and how you just can't blame kids for when the assignments are unclear or not meaningful. i'm sure i ran with it because it was such an affirming, early, description of neurodiversity, i mean really, the title said it all.
  At some point i'm looking the book up again, probably to post it as a reference in some writing, and i found out that he had just killed himself (in 2011) just prior to going on trial for molesting 40 kids over a long period of time in Boston. Although the book has 4 stars on Amazon.com & Good Reads, upon closer look there's plenty of reviews well before the epic revelation that says it's a lot of fluff, totally unscientific, repeats itself to fill space and then doesn't really go anywhere. i just think it's a funny contrast considering i had always tried to get people to take me seriously, and on the other hand, it was dawning on me that i've been telling so many people for years that I was inspired by someone who' turned out to be a pedofile conman. 

4
Just more from this book wherever the word "Neoliberal" showed up:
  • This presents conflicting choices for parents. On the one hand, there are strong arguments against medication for ADHD including side physical side-effects, possible addiction, issues around stigma, autonomy and dependence (see Singh 2005, 2008a; Rafalovich 2005). Billington and Pomerantz (2004) suggest that med-ication reduces opportunities for children to practise the skills necessary for the development of self-control, responsibility and self-regulation. These are characteristics valued in neoliberal societies and expected to be developed within responsible self-regulating families. On the other hand, there are strong cultural imperatives for parents to seek treat-ment for their children if they are ‘sick’. Hawthorne (2010) argues that social expectations are threaded through the DSM, not only within the value-laden criteria of underlying disorders, but also through compas-sionate values of care, which include diagnosis and treatment."
  • "The emphasis in psychological discourse on the role of the family in regulating their child’s behaviour is also (re)produced within prevalent neoliberal ideology, which situates responsibility for social problems with the individual, and the family. Francis (2012) argues that essential-ist notions of motherhood position mothers as particularly responsible for the ‘outcomes’ of their families and children. Neoliberal ideology, therefore, provides a context for the convergence of the medical dis-course around ADHD with other discourses around parenting and maternal blame..."
  • "...Slaby (2010) considers how, on the one hand, neuroscientific discourse plays down personal responsibility for psychiatric disorders through the lan-guage of ‘hard-wired connections and rigid mechanisms’, while, on the other hand, the growing emphasis on plasticity and adaptability to envi-ronmental factors seems ‘to lead back to quite specific forms of personal responsibility’ (p. 406). These resonate with the parent as the responsible subject of neoliberal discourse. The association of neuroscientific knowl-edge with child development is strengthened through governmental agendas and policies and disseminated to the clinic, the classroom and the family through ‘early years intervention’, which targets parents and particularly mothers about how best to raise their children (Gillies et al. 2016). One, very common, intervention approach recommended for pre-school children with ADHD is group-based parenting programmes (Smith et al. 2014). Neuroscientifically informed parenting interventions target so called ‘impairments’ in neuropsychological functioning. Tarver et al. (2014) describe specific parenting interventions which might impact positively on executive functioning deficits, reward processing deficits, temporal processing deficits and academic functioning. These ‘good parenting’ obligations highlight how parenting ‘has moved away from something ‘natural’ towards something that ‘has to be learned and can be perfected or at least improved’ (Bailey 2014)."
*Footnote to a footnote
Somehow people who wanted to just 'return to normal' also think that Biden has 'earned' the nomination by being defacto electable and therefore has already 'earned' everyones vote, because otherwise Trump. 
But that means that we're still going to have to fight Biden's on his stance on ICE, we're not going to see the end of domestic spying on Americans (the Patriot Act), no end to large corporations or banks being too big to fail, wealth inequality will continue to be the worst its been in decades, definetely no healthcare for all, and an overall continuation of hard to explain, Neoliberal values.
What's worse is needing to take accusations like Tara Reade's with serious accountability AND I know i'm supposed to vote for Biden amidst all of these unknowns because this vote is going to be wayyy too close for comfort.
Actually this article kind of puts it nicely that assuming a Biden win, like Obama did before, he likely is going to capitulate to Republicans as if that represents a fair middleground rather than consider that the supposed 'fringe' bold ideas are actually the ones being proven to be necessary. It won't be enough for climate change, it won't be enough to counteract the economy shifting into automation, it won't be enough for the QTBIPOC folk whose lives depend on not being treated like a "fringe" faction.





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