tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31572494319937385782024-03-13T03:42:50.140-07:00Cedric Tai's BlogEverything is interconnected.Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-42313043147622816752021-02-14T11:22:00.030-08:002021-02-16T02:13:23.217-08:00Amia Yokoyama's exhibition, "In the Midst of Bliss"<p>I’ve been to a total of 3 exhibitions during CoViD, and I felt like I didn’t want to miss this one. I stopped by Amia Yokoyama’s exhibition in Highland Park at In Lieu Gallery where as I left they recommended that I check out the the <a href="https://www.inlieu.online/exhibitions/midst-of-bliss" target="_blank">press release</a>. But I wanted to record my initial impressions first. I’m also going to refer back to 2 instances where I saw her work last in the last 2 years:<br /><br />I guess Amia comes from animation, but when I think about her output (which of course is multi-dimensional), I think that her sculptural forms are so consistently satisfying!<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KZyuPcN0s04/YClzlCkCpdI/AAAAAAAANSk/i6qPEwFM0mE5nRIZxenCxJNht40LVgNZACLcBGAsYHQ/s2000/GotWhatIGot%2B-%2BJanuary%2B08%252C%2B2020%2B%252814%2Bof%2B31%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Image of two 'slime girls' on a plinth at knee height" border="0" data-original-height="1333" data-original-width="2000" height="442" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KZyuPcN0s04/YClzlCkCpdI/AAAAAAAANSk/i6qPEwFM0mE5nRIZxenCxJNht40LVgNZACLcBGAsYHQ/w664-h442/GotWhatIGot%2B-%2BJanuary%2B08%252C%2B2020%2B%252814%2Bof%2B31%2529.jpg" width="664" /></a></div><br /><p><br /><br />To be quite specific, I think it has something to do with the simple but ideal use of white high fire porcelain glazes that I think of as either 'celadons' or 'crystalline glazes' (I could be totally wrong on what's being used). I have to say that of all of the ways that I've seen ceramicists pair this kind of faint hue, mostly transparent glaze for a delicate effect on a particular form, THIS is my favorite use of that kind of glaze with the trippy drippy look.<br /><br />I first saw these small-medium sized figurine works in an artist-run exhibition called <i>“I Got What I Got”</i> at Dread Lounge. At this height and size they did seem like little stop motion clay avatars (more crafted with care than rendered for consumption by an 'Otaku'.) They inspire a kind of glee that’s borderline cutesy but not over detailed, in their, gloppy, cartoony state of suspended animation stuckness. </p><p>Their sense of gravity in combination with the carefree glaze is so tactile that they remind me of the feeling of being a little kid wrapping oneself in a big blanket and pretending it’s a big wizard robe when you wiggle your arms... what am I trying to get at here? There's wonderful fantasy in there being no discerning separation between drip and body; a frozen moment, that still gives impression that it's perhaps just moving really really slowly, like a kind of mindfulness.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r1HaSfpzzF0/YCl0T1c7MLI/AAAAAAAANUA/7d0Rm6L3FLMGHUBIBFIWszkRI9RoSWvgACLcBGAsYHQ/s1752/view%2Bfrom%2Bbelow.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1168" data-original-width="1752" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r1HaSfpzzF0/YCl0T1c7MLI/AAAAAAAANUA/7d0Rm6L3FLMGHUBIBFIWszkRI9RoSWvgACLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h426/view%2Bfrom%2Bbelow.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p></p><p><br /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JtXkUJl4A2Y/YCl0k5K7OuI/AAAAAAAANUc/77vyjLRmELcAtywr4LvKQgjXfS28u98RQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1098/crystalline%2Bglaze%2528smaller%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1098" data-original-width="896" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JtXkUJl4A2Y/YCl0k5K7OuI/AAAAAAAANUc/77vyjLRmELcAtywr4LvKQgjXfS28u98RQCLcBGAsYHQ/w292-h358/crystalline%2Bglaze%2528smaller%2529.jpg" width="292" /></a>Here’s what a crystalline glaze looks like, something only possible in a very controlled high fire environment. It’s here, on one of my inspiration walls, framed. If I could, I’d probably have a whole wall of glaze tests. I guess this is the closest I get to having one of those aura photographs.<br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><br /> </p><p>So yeah, I love this surface affect, the ways glazes ooze off of the forms, then makes little fancy transformations in the firing process where it pools, and finding where the glaze gets milky and alchemical is way more fun and subtle than just some perfect round vessel. The cloudiness as well as where crystalline forms would appear would not be on the bodies of the ’slime girls', but it’s below them on the ground that has fallen off of the drips, appearing to have some dimension but is completely flat, glass smooth.<br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-u-lqrhImA4A/YCl0jfc_DfI/AAAAAAAANUQ/nIcDFTHXp6cBZXlPGpSsXfor3VPPXVI_ACLcBGAsYHQ/s1168/closer%2Bup%2Bon%2Bfeet.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-u-lqrhImA4A/YCl0jfc_DfI/AAAAAAAANUQ/nIcDFTHXp6cBZXlPGpSsXfor3VPPXVI_ACLcBGAsYHQ/s1168/closer%2Bup%2Bon%2Bfeet.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="779" data-original-width="1168" height="455" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-u-lqrhImA4A/YCl0jfc_DfI/AAAAAAAANUQ/nIcDFTHXp6cBZXlPGpSsXfor3VPPXVI_ACLcBGAsYHQ/w684-h455/closer%2Bup%2Bon%2Bfeet.jpg" width="684" /></a><br /> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br /><br /><br /> </p><p> </p><p>And I like the semi-cult status that these characters inhabit as the 'slime girls' show up on t-shirts worn by friends in this crew of artists. Even in the writing I've come across that accompanies her work, there’s always been a sense of promiscuous words/ideas, a connection of minds all going in and out of the world building. The texts tend to be amorphous too, in multiple voices where that’s something more punk than simply a male gaze.</p><p><br /><img border="0" data-original-height="1333" data-original-width="2000" height="443" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-139tjb2U98w/YCl0jcfOfkI/AAAAAAAANUU/O4k49tx9UggW6n1EcIR2CsA1C7tZnmibwCLcBGAsYHQ/w666-h443/GotWhatIGot%2B-%2BJanuary%2B08%252C%2B2020%2B%252812%2Bof%2B31%2529.jpg" width="666" /><br /><br />At JACE in 2018, the exhibit, really the furniture for watching the screening, blew my mind. <br /><br />It was cozy and bombastic at the same time, but to be honest I can’t remember the video or the details of the wall pieces that well because, comparatively, it was much more distant and set based and maybe somewhat robotic (from what I remember) than the items and people lounging about in that room which seemed to blur audience and installation.<br /><br />Even now I’m thinking to myself, where the line was between fashion one might wear in the videos vs. what one might one wear out at a party with friends, would there be a noticeable difference in fabulousness? Perhaps real life has less props, and spaces get more crowded. If I knew this bunch of folx were just hanging around here on any given night, I’d probably show up pretty regularly, it was incredibly inviting for involving so many constructed things. In my imagination, this is a pretty rad pad that someone has been living within during quarantine:<br /><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E7EL-HkqKac/YCl0jaMFtbI/AAAAAAAANUY/AtZnRK0VwdcaPF1q-AUI228bIjYQT6McQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/IMG_2378.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="671" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E7EL-HkqKac/YCl0jaMFtbI/AAAAAAAANUY/AtZnRK0VwdcaPF1q-AUI228bIjYQT6McQCLcBGAsYHQ/w671-h671/IMG_2378.JPG" width="671" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I noticed the JACE website was down, so here’s the text that accompanied the red experience:<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o29t1D8L3Wg/YCl1YgBfibI/AAAAAAAANU0/wu6YbMGErNIkjKgs8mT8ggR3mOFXgMEoACLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Jace%2BText%2B%2528hastily%2Bcombined%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1115" height="834" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o29t1D8L3Wg/YCl1YgBfibI/AAAAAAAANU0/wu6YbMGErNIkjKgs8mT8ggR3mOFXgMEoACLcBGAsYHQ/w454-h834/Jace%2BText%2B%2528hastily%2Bcombined%2529.jpg" width="454" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yvNLL55mrMk/YCl1lx4hcjI/AAAAAAAANU8/r7g-YOdqJGYYnjRsk8wt-0bh6IPMY9O5wCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Snapshot.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ExW9yqnHYkA/YCl3lyki-TI/AAAAAAAANWc/FuBRSbjBGaQDX7-j5dE-7e0zj_m-goZ6wCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Snapshot.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1583" height="692" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ExW9yqnHYkA/YCl3lyki-TI/AAAAAAAANWc/FuBRSbjBGaQDX7-j5dE-7e0zj_m-goZ6wCLcBGAsYHQ/w534-h692/Snapshot.png" width="534" /></a></div><br /><p><br /> </p><p>Her installations tend to exude a totalizing color, and the texts seem to continue riffing off of the pleasure of creation.<br /><br />So I guess now, we can enter the latest works that just came down last Saturday at In Lieu Gallery, which made me think of a Paul Thek solo exhibition with neon green vitrines at PACE gallery in NY who also had these messier, explosively collaborative practices across the ocean over in Europe.</p><p></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s1_pLdA6ETI/YCl1z5aK9YI/AAAAAAAANVM/WblmH1L0r3MZGVOtIY2BdbCgHiy1DPdSACLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1354%2B%25286%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="460" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s1_pLdA6ETI/YCl1z5aK9YI/AAAAAAAANVM/WblmH1L0r3MZGVOtIY2BdbCgHiy1DPdSACLcBGAsYHQ/w691-h460/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1354%2B%25286%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="691" /></a></div><p><br />Taking in the space, it's another aesthetic revelation! Finally! Art that actually works best in a white cube (for projection, for multiplying the surfaces of cubes, for looking weird...)<br /><br />I had been anticipating seeing the white dripping anime shapely figures of porcelain again as well checking out the animations where giant fractal figures walk in step with butterflies and energy, and a romantically animated ‘Tramp Stamp’. (Note: I too have a ’tramp stamp’ tattoo, it’s a bubble level, and a portion of it is a bright yellow green and appears to have a light source that comes from nowhere, but I think of that space on my body, since I can’t see it, as a place where something animated and unexpected can happen. It’s a spot on my body that makes me laugh, and it reminds me to not take myself too seriously.)<br /><br />What I didn’t expect to see was a wonderfully playful and coy fox. It was so distinctive that I wondered if it would it be possible to, or if there was a reason not to, give each digital figure and ‘slime girl’ as much personality as the Fox and the… pinched pot animal form that I think was a dog?<br /><br />What was immediately successful was the feeling of digital angels via video installation framing (any time the videos curved around figures it reminded me of inverted wings, and Neon Genesis Evangelion). There were ambiguous sculptures at the base of the vitrines, which neither grounded nor elucidated forms that tended to whip around each other. But I liked them enough, like the way that some beaches are made up of larger shells, not just fine sand.<br /></p><p><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E8sJSyLgDFM/YCl1z2seGcI/AAAAAAAANVI/9diUT-3c0nwet2Wkn34uZUp5aW_9YldFACLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1306%2B%25284%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E8sJSyLgDFM/YCl1z2seGcI/AAAAAAAANVI/9diUT-3c0nwet2Wkn34uZUp5aW_9YldFACLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h426/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1306%2B%25284%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z2V5u4TWfog/YCl1zxVco0I/AAAAAAAANVE/GK9IhK8CJ9g25LWLfz4uAOInSiliyES9wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1293%2B%25281%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z2V5u4TWfog/YCl1zxVco0I/AAAAAAAANVE/GK9IhK8CJ9g25LWLfz4uAOInSiliyES9wCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h426/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1293%2B%25281%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br />This concept I'm thinking might be upside down, but the warped green reflection reminded me of a cool toned version of a sun flare burst, the kind that can supposedly take out the Internet and Bluetooth temporarily. I want this kind of disruption, like an EMT blast. The quiet emptiness of this gallery during CoViD didn’t seem right. The images were so sharp, the perspectives so jarring, I wanted to be bombarded with music by SOPHIE or Autechre mixing with the Final Fantasy 7 theme and loud dripping, but of course that would be cruel to the person doing the gallery sitting. What’s the binaural version of Cardi B made up of ASMR noises of hair whooshing and the magic wand adult toy? <br /><br />Unfortunately the maker in me couldn’t help but note all of the construction choices that stuck out in the silence.<br /><br />I wish the plexiglas didn’t remind me of the fragility of the works; their presentation seemed to suggest examining the sculptures as if they could rotate, because of how they appeared to float and also felt more like a display than a space one could infinitely melt out into. I imagined that these figures could be in fountains, that they could blink anime eyes or be given a specimen tag.<br /><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2eZ0Chtl1hw/YCl2IoV1LEI/AAAAAAAANVc/lEXw1lxnSLYJGK7Oqo9kSEPuKWox6AoXQCLcBGAsYHQ/s589/Rotating%2Bpiece.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="523" data-original-width="589" height="355" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2eZ0Chtl1hw/YCl2IoV1LEI/AAAAAAAANVc/lEXw1lxnSLYJGK7Oqo9kSEPuKWox6AoXQCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h355/Rotating%2Bpiece.gif" width="400" /></a><br /><br />I wish there could have been a taut white fabric obscuring the plexiglas from above that was distorting the projection upon the walls, similar to the treatment of covering the edges of the flatscreen tv display, so that I would only be aware that the light source was coming<i> from</i> there, not <i>how </i>it was refracting and bending. I wanted there to be some secrets, something not able to be seen. Perhaps then I’d be left to imagine another worldly explanation of the digital bleeding and morphing beyond crisp frames.<br /><br /><br />I also flat out wanted to take out the paintings, which stuck out in the darkness. They felt heavy with pieces of ceramic that felt quote tacked on/outlined, when maybe I wanted to see each piece of ceramic have the same bodily sense of gravity; perhaps appearing sunken into a substrate that made sense being vertical on a wall rather than being on a thing that appears to help make it look 'mountable' on a wall. It looked like a size I like to work in, small enough to not take up space, but all of the other works really demanded space, which meant that these seemed to be more about fitting these in, when these in between spaces could have just been quieter. I wish that instead of feeling like a sculpey version of a Matisse cut out, it could have been more of an obscured figure not dictated by a rectangular box, maybe more like an organic form that takes a moment to sort out what it is, like that one diver who spends a lot of time trying to detect the camouflaged creature in ‘My Octopus Teacher’. <br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZeRpAh3eEX4/YCl2YMpfmvI/AAAAAAAANVk/3a1ugzCscVE64m4UzR0mZeuxWUMq_8XTACLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1370%2B%25288%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="450" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZeRpAh3eEX4/YCl2YMpfmvI/AAAAAAAANVk/3a1ugzCscVE64m4UzR0mZeuxWUMq_8XTACLcBGAsYHQ/w676-h450/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1370%2B%25288%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="676" /></a><br /></div><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The exhibition puts me in the mindset of spirits or things not here, or Jennifer Moon talking about BEI gut faeries… Even without anyone else in this space I could imagine someone rocking a related t-shirt; I could imagine pulling out a beer from a metal container on the ground filled with ice and the cool perspiration of the can of beer in my hand… something about this set of works feels like a friendly party would complete the work, give it its full context; not that I was supposed to have reverence for the works as if I was at, say, Matthew Marks Gallery. The little ‘slime girls’ are somehow too aware for that kind of pared down minimalist treatment even though they are worth giving that kind of attention to them.</p><p><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3o9IkcrDsxs/YCl2YOt8nNI/AAAAAAAANVg/yd6M9QEzeakTd84CHlrUO0kBy4BltPSsACLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1372%2B%25289%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="449" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3o9IkcrDsxs/YCl2YOt8nNI/AAAAAAAANVg/yd6M9QEzeakTd84CHlrUO0kBy4BltPSsACLcBGAsYHQ/w675-h449/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1372%2B%25289%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="675" /></a><br /><br /><br /> </p><p> </p><p>The figures themselves encapsulate not only a color, as the whole exhibition exuded a color much like Amia’s red exhibition, this time blues and greens, but this one had the personality of that gushy 💦 emoji since digital light and space bled and glaze worked in a tromploi way.<br /><br />The simulated wetness of the figurines that are larger than a trinket, and this time, featuring more than one figure, means that we have here a multiplicity of cuddle puddles. I bet there’d also be no problem finding friends of the artist to write about the project to give further mediums to supplant the work that is here. How many writers could there be? I think there could have been a different writer, one for each day the exhibition ran.<br /><br />But whose collection would these sculptures be in? I’m thinking the 2016 Korean film <i>The Handmaiden</i> where... [spoiler alert]... just kidding, I won't ruin anything for you, go watch that film with no expectations, it’s great!<br /><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zvVNsONyeYc/YCl2rlZYjmI/AAAAAAAANV0/YYYS2tFELtsCxbQe5isWcVvdu2i2vOx1wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1308%2B%25285%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="447" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zvVNsONyeYc/YCl2rlZYjmI/AAAAAAAANV0/YYYS2tFELtsCxbQe5isWcVvdu2i2vOx1wCLcBGAsYHQ/w672-h447/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1308%2B%25285%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="672" /></a><br /><br /><br />What I guess I’m trying to get at is that I’m not convinced this work is either for populist consumption, or for rich people who buy art as investments, but that the artworks, and the opportunity to exhibit them, are like representations of a group of friends that ‘get’ each other… like an inside joke or series of photographs of a trip to a cabin or Joshua Tree where many psychedelics were taken and very good times were had both on the way there and actually at the destination. Like Thek, I think of Amia as an artists’ artist. This is maybe why I made it a point to want to see the work in person.<br /><br />These ‘slime girls’ seems to be a stand in for folx immersed in their own world, too busy to make it about mass consumption like an episode of <i>Vida</i>, where the demographic ends up actually being middle aged men that live in the Midwest, where the point of its existence seems much more to be about hiring POC actors/actresses than it is to appeal to them as a target audience<i> (hint, maybe making characters that represent some kind of vague anti-gentrification activists where it's actually filmed in a part of town that actually shut out a lot of art galleries and culture vultures due to actual gentrification means you probably won’t get this demographic to vouch for the ‘realness' of your show nor get a bunch of friends together to watch it... It's the tone deaf kind of 'meta')</i><br /><br /> <br /><br />Nor does the work ever seem like it has a deeper mission to educate/expand your mind, that it will explain to you the values inherent in some kind of sub-culture demanding respect and body positivity. This is gonna be a fairly odd tangent, but did anyone else find that one ‘Transparent’ episode in Season 4 where Ali visits Ramallah kindof cringy where she meets up with a whole group of Palestinian activists? The feel of these scenes are more telling than showing, a kind of preaching to the choir (obviously to convey that the producers have done their homework) but it comes off as rigid and forced breaking the narrative angle all of the other episodes are shot through. You wonder if they really winged it and had no idea what they were getting themselves into or felt like they just needed to pay lip service in an attempt to avoid any online criticism about just going to Israel and not mentioning the occupation of Palestinian land.<br /><br />These are both examples of well-connected producers that want to expand the opportunities for POC, and yet I feel like they have to rely on attention-grabbing sex scenes or online articles about how casual activism can be, where it's as easy as contacting your local activists! <br /><br />This is a bit clunky, but I'm trying to explain that you get the opposite here, what on the surface appears to be an attention-grabbing busty anime body, upon slower, closer looking, is a matter of overall exquisite craft. Really what I see instead is a different kind of story entirely, not about where these 'slime girls' come from, but one about how this artist spends much of her time crafting something ultimately funny and curious. (Another case in point is the fine line silvery details of cheesy flames and the caring ways that the ceramics are tied together with soft material.)<br /><br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Km3bueBlCqY/YCl2tUnkfWI/AAAAAAAANV4/l9d9i_BMm6c4lLnloq5Vr2JQNL9QExt9ACLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1369%2B%25287%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="446" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Km3bueBlCqY/YCl2tUnkfWI/AAAAAAAANV4/l9d9i_BMm6c4lLnloq5Vr2JQNL9QExt9ACLcBGAsYHQ/w670-h446/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Midst%2Bof%2BBliss%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1369%2B%25287%2Bof%2B10%2529.jpg" width="670" /></a><br /> </p><p>I think that talking about bodies by representing them only vis-à-vis onion peeling digital worlds and anime tropes is to suspend it all in the realm of speculation, not to actually be relegated to these realms. <br /><br />They’re the backgrounds to our actual space where we might be seen leaning on each other, making each other laugh in that ugly uncontrolled too loud way, taking a break, or egging each other on with more and more imaginative scenarios. They're the gut bacteria that secretly makes up 80% of what we thought was our very unique personality.<br /><br />I’m looking back at my photos and something I noticed then, actually appears in the photos too. It's that amazing digital-lookingness of this tangible fox. It was the first thing that captivated me when I walked in the space, so I think it should be what I leave you with at the end of this ‘review’. The style of this thing… It’s another favorite art thing... the way you might come across some contemporary art assuming its digital, and then well, obviously, it's not, but it still <i>feels</i> digital. </p><p>To see the piece in 3D, cross your eyes until the two images blend; you’ll know it works when its voluptuous booty comes out at ya. This was totally a show worth seeing in person, and now this is the next best thing you get until she exhibits again.<br /></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VWvbxBMDt2E/YCl3V9VpY7I/AAAAAAAANWU/4WCjBClDQWAyNDxvENK2FAh6oZQipvaWgCLcBGAsYHQ/s800/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Fox%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1289%2B%25282%2Bof%2B2%2529%2Bcopy.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="A stereoscopic image of a fox made out of ceramics" border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VWvbxBMDt2E/YCl3V9VpY7I/AAAAAAAANWU/4WCjBClDQWAyNDxvENK2FAh6oZQipvaWgCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h480/21.02.06%2B-%2B%2522Fox%2522%2B-%2BIMG_1289%2B%25282%2Bof%2B2%2529%2Bcopy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-27087543827033824142021-01-24T11:53:00.009-08:002021-02-08T00:57:45.425-08:00(1500 words) Clubhouse App & Trickster Energy<p>I’ve been too addicted lately, unable to structure myself to at least get things done that won’t make me need to rush later. </p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;"> But first, some gratitude: <br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I was invited to DJ by K</li><li>invited to re-visit Bar-Fund by Tatiana</li><li>a poetry thing by Joey</li><li>am in an exhibition that I was invited to by Holliday </li><li>and I need to silkscreen a shirt for Sylvie who I met through Kim. </li></ul> This is amazing! This is all good! Yes!<p>But I’m also completely immobilized. I found myself enthralled by Clubhouse, an invite only app and “Being seen” on Instagram. <br /><br /></p><p><u><b>I think I need to get back to the basics. </b></u></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I haven’t done yoga in months but have been doing physical therapy every other day, </li><li>I asked my dad to help pay for somatic therapy, </li><li>I’m really on a kick to make a radical vision board, </li><li>I’ll be sharing that in a “Hip Magic” class I’m in, </li><li>I might be talking with friends about starting a gallery to support QTBIPOC folx and conversations in Mexico City later today, </li><li>I’ll be taking meds paid for by being on Medi-Cal eating food paid for by food stamps and maybe just need to call EDD one more time to find out what is going on with the $810 I would get every two weeks...</li></ul><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I’m trying to get myself to show up to practice Spanish, </li><li>to bathe/lotion more, </li><li>to set up studio visits with friends, </li><li>to play and have pleasure routinely...</li></ul><p><br />and to be honest I feel about 40% here. <br /><br /></p><p>One of the reasons I’ve been staying in bed longer (besides that I went to bed at 4:30 am) is because I’ve been doing “Morning Pages” another app, and it’s one of those “don’t break the chain” productivity apps and it’s been great (it is great).</p><p>But also if I’m honest, there are some people that I miss talking to and being with, the Weirdos (5 hilarious women who met up once a week with no plans), being with Fabiola who met in Mexico City, everyone in Glasgow but especially Francis McKee’s rambling research, but at the same time I feel alone in a good way, like the way you may find yourself needing to go your own way with no guide (and I’m not great with maps).</p><p>So that’s a rough summation I guess of where I’m at.</p>If I had to give a summation of my context: <br /><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>CoViD is a useful holding pattern especially for enjoying what little Socialism America has to offer but it’s still not enough to keep people from working and catching and spreading it. </li><li>Deb Haaland is the first and only American Indian ever nominated to a Cabinet position in the United States of America! </li><li>And everyone is going bonkers over Bernie Sanders’ gloves weeks after a bunch of White supremacist off duty police and military stormed the Capital building and even killed some on duty police officers (Happy no Black folx were killed in this skirmish, and what happened to “Blue Lives Matter”?). </li></ul> So all in all, I guess this is what “returning to normal” looks like... <p>And with that I’d like to go into a topic/focus for this mornings writing: <br /><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>What does it mean to be a trickster?</b></span></p><p>— — - — — - — — - — —</p><p>No goals, not even values, but full on curiosity, drive and pure energy.<br /><br /></p><p>It means to want to help and be helped in the process of doing and woke in the sense that there are infinite, equally fake versions of reality, and so everything and nothing is sacred.<br /><br /></p><p>A trickster first tries to mask their own sadness, to trick themselves into moving, and yet can have the deepest darkest existential angst. <br /><br /></p><p>A trick could be a placebo, a spectacle, a hustle, a quick exchange, a long con, it could be years in the making for something seeming stupid, foolish, obnoxious, and it asks why and how and what else is there?<br /><br /></p><p>Trickster energy is a goat that can play the devil gouging out eyes with a satisfying pop and has plenty of real advice to give and can talk (or play) with anybody. (See: Asher Hartman)<br /><br /></p><p>Maybe let’s take a moment to talk about misdirection or vulnerability because I don’t think it takes any money to be a trickster but I don’t think a trickster could not value themselves very highly. Then again the trickster may be smiling, a personality trait of concealing getting what one wants at another’s expense and so I wouldn’t say there’s much sincerity in that look but it’s actually crazy sincere isn’t it? Yeah there’s a lot of showmanship, but there’s a lot of indirectness and pain management isn’t there?</p><p>There’s flexing and setting the stage and and a great deal of production behind the scenes to only show what one wants to show but there’s a feeling to it isn’t there? Maybe some heroes include Houdini (a great marketer) and Penn and Teller (the most lovable Libertarians) and Alejandro Jodorowsky but what about the women? </p><p>Maybe that’s Queen Nanny of the Maroons, and that’s Kim Zumpfe and that’s even my own mother, who would see people waiting in line and make herself laugh imagining people's lives and what they’re really up to, and when she was a kid saying “ka-ping” so much in a car that her dad pulled over because he thought something was wrong with the car.<br /><br /></p><p><u><b>Had to look something up on Wikipedia and Etymology, "Trickster" didn’t really exist on the Etymology site I use but “Trick” did:</b></u></p><p></p><blockquote>“from trikier "to deceive, to cheat," variant of Old French trichier "to cheat, trick, deceive," of uncertain origin, probably from Vulgar Latin *triccare, from Latin tricari "be evasive, shuffle," from tricæ "trifles, nonsense, a tangle of difficulties," of unknown origin.</blockquote><p></p><p>Meaning "a roguish prank" is recorded from 1580s; sense of "the art of doing something" is first attested 1610s. Meaning "prostitute's client" is first attested 1915; earlier it was U.S. slang for "a robbery" (1865).”<br /><br /></p><p><b><u>And now for Trickster on Wikipedia:</u></b></p><p></p><blockquote><p>“who exhibits a great degree of intellect or secret knowledge and uses it to play tricks or otherwise disobey normal rules and defy conventional behavior.”</p><p>“Br'er Rabbit is a trickster character who succeeds through his wits rather than through strength.”</p></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Ah so there it is, it’s survival isn’t it? <br /><br /></p><p>To be an animal that can speak and get others to act, but also, these perhaps are stories of hope, of being smarter than the actual person in the actual skin of being a prisoner, but perhaps one with an audience.<br /></p><p></p><blockquote>“Many native traditions held clowns and tricksters as essential to any contact with the sacred. People could not pray until they had laughed, because laughter opens and frees from rigid preconception.”<br /><br /></blockquote><p></p><p>Oh to be needed..., to be a guide, to be important. People tell me this shouldn’t be embarrassing, but when isn’t needing love not vulnerable?<br /><br /></p><p>Humor is also a heightened control of focus: attention, interest, maybe misdirection, maybe timing, maybe tickling, the lowest form of pain, absurdity, the lowest form of existential angst. <br /><br /></p><p>Laughing is relief, sharing is a relief, being heard is a relief, the end is a relief. <br /><br /></p><p>What is not a trickster? God, (but the Gods are) plants like grasses with no thorns, poisons or sticky parts, mechanical moving parts that are exact and replicated?</p><p>This seems too difficult really to say what definitely is NOT a trickster, who is looking? Who feels tricked?</p><p><br /></p><p>More importantly,<br /></p><p>What is the bodily feeling of a trickster? It’s a quick rush of air out of the nose, it’s the holding of a secret in the crick of the neck behind the ears, it is a broad chest and open hands in an offense/defense position, it is a buzzing mind and a silent mouth and withholding eyes. It is waiting with a smirk, it is comfortable in its clothes but aware of all of the pockets and what is contained in each one.</p><p>I think I want to know more about what does it mean to write a bio on the app Clubhouse, where ephemeral podcasts meets LinkedIn if LinkedIn included empaths talking about CBD oil and linking to their Instagram which had a Link-tree with a link to a cash app. It gets meta that on the app you can hear them talking about how they want to improve the app, how they want to improve bubble of what you see based on who you follow, hearing people take turns speaking and moderating and pitching and choosing which sentence to pick apart.<br /><br /></p><p>What about a chat room where every person who talks must be asking a question and each question can only be answered with another question? So far what is toxic is only kind-of amusing (as opposed to totally disrupting and day ruining), <br /><br />yes it’s easy to see who has more friends and celebrity status than you, yes it’s filled with venture capitalists, entrepreneurs, creative, but where is the trickster producer with a big bag of silence? <br /><br />And it’s not the same as being a listener or limiting the number of speakers, but it’s the practice of not networking, not seeking endless connections, not 20 second pitches and not being a model minority. At least the nap ministry can take a break.</p><p><br /></p><p>Where are the people who are working against White Supremacy characteristics?</p><p>I’m saying a lot here, but on Clubhouse I notice that I have nothing to say...</p><p><br /></p><p>The weirdest/awful part is I feel like I want to have “the perfect” bio... *sigh*</p><p>This is what I made, feeling cute, may delete later:</p><p><i>(Rach says that she'll join it if someone pays her, but even this much info in a bio is akin to giving too much of our own personal data...)</i><br /></p><p>— — - — — - — — - — —</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-45SmYj5Aj9g/YA3uGF9d2II/AAAAAAAANPY/6_OjSl8bsOAtV1Qhsa6Ksku8qGDgmCRmACLcBGAsYHQ/s4775/EA87A53D-5D77-4EDB-9BC6-1899C9FA3AE4%2Bcopy.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4775" data-original-width="640" height="3287" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-45SmYj5Aj9g/YA3uGF9d2II/AAAAAAAANPY/6_OjSl8bsOAtV1Qhsa6Ksku8qGDgmCRmACLcBGAsYHQ/w440-h3287/EA87A53D-5D77-4EDB-9BC6-1899C9FA3AE4%2Bcopy.jpg" width="440" /></a></div><p></p><p><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Plain text version)<br /></span>
</p><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">“see-drick”: ✋🏾Mom from 🇵🇭, ✋Dad from 🇭🇰, 🙌🏻Trauma from 🇺🇸
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Undisciplinary artist - educator - friend - trickster - skeptic - disability justice advocate - quick thinker - cheerleader
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(I use any/all pronouns.)
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">👀Currently seeking:
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">🆘 PLEASE consider sending energy to my friend Loni Weems, Black femme in cottage industry foods who has been hit hard by white supremacy and the pandemic:
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Venmo: Native-Kitchen-Det
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Native Kitchen is an eclectic alternative healthy food pop up and cottage bakery for specialty diets in Detroit, MI
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">“I started to fill a need of healthy foods allergies and use of local and natural food ingredients. I had restarted doing pop ups and the business before the Pandemic hit leading to closings after I had secured 3 pop ups at two family owned cocktail bars and a belly dancing school in March.
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I even created a Vegan Gluten Free Traditional spiced Irish Banger to serve. It took a long time to get into these places without contacts most have.
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Unfortunately one of the locations will not survive to reopen. And...so without these venues and farmers markets I can’t even gain a following again.” - Loni
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Pathologically Curious,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Agnostic by choice,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Scorpio moon,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Aries rising,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">‘85 Ford Taurus
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">📍Currently in Los Angeles (Gabrielino/Tongva land),
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">born and raised in Detroit Metro (Waawiyatanong ),
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">went to school in Glasgow, Scotland,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">starting an Art Gallery in Mexico City to promote QTBIPOC artists.
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚗️Addictions:
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">sugar, the internet, fried chicken, making variations of To-Do and “Did” lists
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">🤷🏼 Hypocrite-isms:
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Capitalism🛍️ Skeptic but still does money dances 💦 💃🏻,
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Latest facts I learned on Clubhouse:
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">“It’s only illegal in 11 US states for doctors to perform pelvic exams (to train new doctors) on unconscious women.” 1-23-2021
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈ ⚈⚈⚈
</span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: xx-small;">💓DM me to chat about Psychomagic Acts, somatic therapy, ADHD, studio visits, accountability, or whatever weird kinky stuff you’re into.
</span></div>Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-23882729679315666062020-12-04T19:54:00.023-08:002020-12-22T23:00:45.673-08:00Anti-Psychiatry (critical psychology) and de-colonizing ADHD care<p>Rather than assume everyone's good intent, where the PC thing to say is "Now I'm not saying ADHD doesn't exist, and I'm not saying that
medication isn't absolutely necessary for those that need it but..."<br /><br /><i>(which is the ableist, neurotypical version of "I'm not a racist but...")</i></p><p>But I've been getting the runaround so to speak on whether or not the existence of ADHD is a good thing or not. In my experience, I was prescribed Adderall in 2008 without being told it was for ADHD, and then put on an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) in 2016, and finally an anti-psychotic (Seroquel) to be used off-label to deal with the insomnia which is the only thing I still take maybe once every 2 weeks if I need it.<br /><br />Previously I was told by my 3rd to most recent therapist that... he's not saying that ADHD
doesn't exist, it's just that it's a version of anxiety and depression,
unfortunately, as much as he was able to stop my panic attacks, we
weren't able to get any further into my learned helplessness because there was this part of me that just couldn't trust how he put my ADHD aside so easily. But he was
also backed up by my Kaiser psychiatrist at the time (who was terrible btw that's another story for another day) who said that Sensitive
Rejection Dysphoria didn't exist, all I needed was more psychotherapy
(and he boosted the amount of meds I was taking to boot.) So I was left to my own devices, learning about the dangers of Seroquel from "The Body Keeps the Score" and put a bunch of ADHD books on my To-Do List.<br /><br /><br />So that was all of the last 2 - 3 years, where am I now?<br /><br />Well, I just wanted to show how continuously confusing it is to try to take care into your own hands, it's like disavowing mainstream media and realizing that you need to be able to figure out how to be a journalist because information simply isn't neutral and you have to know how to ask the right questions.<br /><br />Not to say there's anything wrong with any of the following sources, but just imagine this trifecta of information that's been sitting together in my head, and now I'm starting to see why I'm so muddled even though everyone is kindof rooting for the same team:<br /><br />So I've got these 3 vantage points (and put in 2 links each so you can get an idea of what exactly I've been catching up on):<br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKUdadCsuRE"><br /></a></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LO-IcV58cd4/X8r0lzyao0I/AAAAAAAANJ0/ulB2NAyczlM_XEck6bLSKAGdNI2hG0m8QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1498/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B6.45.07%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1042" data-original-width="1498" height="446" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LO-IcV58cd4/X8r0lzyao0I/AAAAAAAANJ0/ulB2NAyczlM_XEck6bLSKAGdNI2hG0m8QCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h446/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B6.45.07%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />1. Jessica McCabe's How To ADHD YouTube Channel: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38qpm6VKBFc">Why Stimulant Medication Helps ADHD -- and How Stigma Can Hurt</a> + <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKUdadCsuRE">How ADHD Treatment is not ADHD Friendly</a></td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p><span data-offset-key="7fuu3-0-0"><span data-text="true">An informed FUBU movement of ADHD'rs OR is it a cult of well-intentioned mis-informed C.H.A.D.D. members? One thing is for sure, it's incredibly understanding, a resource for many that not only cites its sources but intrinsically places personal experience on an equal footing with the science.<br /><br /></span></span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rcFZDnU3XkY/X8ryyOjiz-I/AAAAAAAANJo/AiXGfIP5lowrI0eMib50ELr-K92wZ835QCLcBGAsYHQ/s891/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B5.35.12%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="891" data-original-width="890" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rcFZDnU3XkY/X8ryyOjiz-I/AAAAAAAANJo/AiXGfIP5lowrI0eMib50ELr-K92wZ835QCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h640/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B5.35.12%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />2. Queer Vengeance and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/17847430853241576/">their Research Rabbit Holes</a> + <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WB5deYqv5Pin6DsJ0bO_7BUEzF_RtWUt8DgbiUAVvxo/edit">ADHD is More Than Deficits</a>.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/11/insane-medicine-chapter-3-part-2/"><br /></a></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/11/insane-medicine-chapter-3-part-2/"><br /></a></td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p><span data-offset-key="45h17-0-0"><span data-text="true">A guide to how to BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND and re-plant society OR is it one big experimental science fiction novel where we abolish prisons like we did to mental facilities and collectively hold people in power to a level of accountability... only to realize that Instagram was a Trojan horse for their own means of getting and destroying your precious attention? Is anyone else alarmed that the best content is only 1 instagram connection or 1 post away from being THE craziest most ungrounded conspiracy theory... one that gives all the insane but true conspiracy theories a bad name! (i.e. that the Iraq War after 9-11 was a sham, that the government is spying on everyone)</span></span><a class="_4X_-components-SimpleRichTextEditor-components-LinkSpan--linkSpan" href="https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/11/insane-medicine-chapter-3-part-2/" style="text-decoration: underline;"><span data-offset-key="45h17-1-0"><span data-text="true"></span></span></a></p><p><a href="https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/11/insane-medicine-chapter-3-part-2/"><br /><br /></a></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IcK_UP_JQ4k/X8rycIN4uLI/AAAAAAAANJg/fW5YZqPBkKYd6OC_ost9_d613dgXQSa0gCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B6.36.38%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1113" data-original-width="2048" height="347" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IcK_UP_JQ4k/X8rycIN4uLI/AAAAAAAANJg/fW5YZqPBkKYd6OC_ost9_d613dgXQSa0gCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h347/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-12-04%2Bat%2B6.36.38%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />3. Mad in America: <a href="https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/11/insane-medicine-chapter-3-part-2/">Insane Medicine, Chapter 3: The Manufacture of ADHD (Part 2)</a> + <a href="https://www.madinamerica.com/non-drug-therapies-adult-depression/">Non-Drug Therapies for Adults with Depression </a>(Where I noticed that nothing was listed for ADHD?)</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><br /><span data-offset-key="bshq5-0-0"><span data-text="true">Is this the sources we've always wanted so that we could ground our conspiracy theories in a more robust way or is this just the more academic looking version of it?</span></span> <br /></p><p><br /></p><p>So the joke is if you were to get to the bottom of all of the different
views on ADHD, you're ripe for a PHD. But that flies in the face of
accessibility! Just the other day I wrote in big block letters:<br />WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?<br /><br /></p><p><u><b>and just to give an example here are 3 real world questions where the rubber hits the road just to contrast 'the research' with the kind of things I think about: </b></u><br /><br />How do I figure out what is actually helping me when I feel like I've been gas lit for years by psychiatrists and parents? For the last six years I've been trying to figure out my 'treatment plan' which includes medications for ADHD, how does one become anti-psychiatry exactly and get help? <br /><br />What if one
therapist says NEVER take hallucinogens you may find out you're the 1/100 that unlocks latent skitzophrenia, another friend says that's BS we'll do acid together,
and from personal experience, the only time I did take mushrooms I was pretty emotional but it was an overall
meaningful time with friends, so... is it safe?<br /><br />Lastly, when we talk about being patient with ourselves... how long are things actually supposed to take, like say... writing a blog post? How long are we supposed to wait for people to figure out what people mean by Socialism, Defund the Police, Black Lives Matter?<br /><u><b><br /></b></u><br /><br />I've tried tackling this before from the view of self-compassion & the known unknowns this is what I published in my Draft of an ADHD Guide for/by artists:<br /><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YN-suOTY3DU/X8r34MSEm8I/AAAAAAAANKI/E38eYE1ibkEcs4wTef1q14Jd2amuKl21QCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/%2521%2521%2521ADHD%2Bbooklet%2B%2528Version%2B0.11%2529%2Bhopefully%2BAdobe%2BPDF%2B9%2B%2528smaller%2529-11%2Bcopy.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1560" data-original-width="2048" height="488" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YN-suOTY3DU/X8r34MSEm8I/AAAAAAAANKI/E38eYE1ibkEcs4wTef1q14Jd2amuKl21QCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h488/%2521%2521%2521ADHD%2Bbooklet%2B%2528Version%2B0.11%2529%2Bhopefully%2BAdobe%2BPDF%2B9%2B%2528smaller%2529-11%2Bcopy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br /><br /><br />And then today I was able to sit with all of the confusion and tried to map out all of the various sources of information that were whirling around my head, in part because I'm sure there's stuff I'm traumatically procrastinating on, but also it did give me a great sense of comfort and accomplishment, so there's that.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DWvmojvHl4A/X8sFEqpE0yI/AAAAAAAANKo/ZpXdwIR9duUhnZ89aSDg7En7iSbti77wwCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Organizing%2Bmy%2Bthoughts%2Baround%2Bmental%2Bhealth.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1583" height="1059" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DWvmojvHl4A/X8sFEqpE0yI/AAAAAAAANKo/ZpXdwIR9duUhnZ89aSDg7En7iSbti77wwCLcBGAsYHQ/w819-h1059/Organizing%2Bmy%2Bthoughts%2Baround%2Bmental%2Bhealth.jpg" width="819" /></a></div><br /><p><br /><br />So that's all I was able to get done today, (really all this just shows is how I lose about 6 hours of my life if I realize that I have a slight disagreement with someone/something...)<br /><br />BUT, I do at least feel slightly less confused about why everything seems so confusing. Now I get to confuse everyone else with my diagram where if you can't tell the ball can go into the square hole and the round hole, but not the triangle hole, and the pyramid can go into the square hole and the triangular hole but can't go into the circular hole, and the cube can only go into the square hole, but technically if you only took like 75% of each shape, you could probably jam it down through the hole anyways...<br /></p><p><br /><br />Guess what I didn't get to? Talking about de-colonizing care, but if you want a good start, I already mentioned the link, but here it is again because it's just an insightful way into what non-researcher researcher looks like: @QueerVengeance <a href="https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/17847430853241576/">RadPsych (A collection of prev. Instagram stories)</a></p><p>Who also produced these great plain text documents:<br /><i>(Note to self, make plain text versions of my own graphics above...)</i><br /><br /><a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WB5deYqv5Pin6DsJ0bO_7BUEzF_RtWUt8DgbiUAVvxo/edit">- ADHD is more than Deficits</a><br /><a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/16aUOg5NuwczwRX0fE3tiLA6GF9t_4JdR20pYF9njLBQ/edit">- Things I Learned About ADHD From The Internet (But Never Doctors)</a><br /><br />and they also made this meme (that to be honest I haven't done enough HW to understand in its entirety):<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9CgOeuSIxWY/X8r5UxHS44I/AAAAAAAANKU/hbRxmyRvrewIQCQKak9xAGgr_mqvVMwxgCLcBGAsYHQ/s882/IMG_9644.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="882" data-original-width="640" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9CgOeuSIxWY/X8r5UxHS44I/AAAAAAAANKU/hbRxmyRvrewIQCQKak9xAGgr_mqvVMwxgCLcBGAsYHQ/w290-h400/IMG_9644.jpg" width="290" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>What a wonderful time it has been for so many people to be unemployed, it is truly creating the kind of reflection, introspection & protest that everyone WARNED about!<br /></p>Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-48342582715175704202020-10-30T06:15:00.007-07:002020-10-30T13:15:58.675-07:00Instructions to self, September flew by, October is almost over... Post ANYTHING. Trying = Starting = Finishing = Relief.<div><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hVXn3JhtYtI/X5wJ5o2tiGI/AAAAAAAANGY/s34xp_DmAwA6aj4ekfWRAW0p_G49pOzoQCLcBGAsYHQ/s497/IMG_8413.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /><br /></a><p>Well, this is strange, it's 4 am, I'm in LA, still pre-divorced but still living with and even still sharing a bed with my parter, it's CoViD times and the election is right around the corner and right now I'm feeling good. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FK2mDVlOR1c/X5wC1Xr8s-I/AAAAAAAANFM/wcRDs7RpZrIOIVhx8YRbLu_KS4Oxga_vgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1342/Smattering%2Bof%2BInfo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="871" data-original-width="1342" height="416" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FK2mDVlOR1c/X5wC1Xr8s-I/AAAAAAAANFM/wcRDs7RpZrIOIVhx8YRbLu_KS4Oxga_vgCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h416/Smattering%2Bof%2BInfo.jpg" width="640" /></a><br /></div><p></p><p><br />I'm saying this as this past Tuesday should've been my worst day of the year... I couldn't figure out a why a new used (but expensive) computer wasn't working, and I ended up unintentionally staying up until 5 am then trying to hash it all out. I truly believed that this would fix all of my life's procrastination problems, buuut it turns out you're not supposed to buy electronics during mercury retrograde, so that means it's all my fault. <br /><br />That all then led me to sleep through a whole morning, missing a therapy appointment and getting a parking ticket because I didn't move my car in time, but I was given the task this week by my therapist to... 'do nothing'... so perhaps ironically, Nailed it.</p><p></p><p><br />I have to say, now that '<a href="https://ceedric.blogspot.com/2020/05/dont-force-yourself-to-do-anything.html">do nothing</a>' has much more Officially been given to me as homework, (maybe it was only alluded to before?) <br />there's been more presence in joy, and in being with people, that was all worth the experiment, and I imagine that it's only a hybrid version from here on out... </p><p>I wanted to send out an update... even though it's kind of to no one in particular, and my Time-Blind brain is sayin' let's go with it... so hello. <br /><br /></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QNu2hrVwe0I/X5v-tq4AlbI/AAAAAAAANFA/jSOpn26AGhENgZ48_LrUKu_04olBadYuACLcBGAsYHQ/s1280/at%2Bany%2Bmoment%2Bjoy%2Bcould%2Bhappen.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="632" data-original-width="1280" height="316" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QNu2hrVwe0I/X5v-tq4AlbI/AAAAAAAANFA/jSOpn26AGhENgZ48_LrUKu_04olBadYuACLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h316/at%2Bany%2Bmoment%2Bjoy%2Bcould%2Bhappen.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I think I'm taking advice from my friend Mallory to take motivation when I can, similar to striking when the iron is hot... </span></span><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">- I want to write about how I have a new somatic therapist with ADHD!<br />- I want to talk about how I ended up in another Navel.LA assembly group this time it's all about "Hip Magic"<br />- and then I've been in a <a href="solidarityclub.org">pseudo book club</a>
talking about 'The
Entreprecariat' (I say pseudo since Solidarity Club isn't always a book
club and I've only read like 16 pages before I started getting lost in
this authors way of writing...)<br />- I want to write about what interesting things that seemed to just happen and while attempting to 'do nothing'... that I hadn't really anticipated, one of those things being: a deep level of understanding myself, and the other is my pure spontaneous joy...<br /></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IMzM6e-nKwM/X5wJ31AaBxI/AAAAAAAANGU/dS205pIGP4QKRE7y39Zlxd0xwoToUC5MwCLcBGAsYHQ/s739/IMG_8186.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="739" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IMzM6e-nKwM/X5wJ31AaBxI/AAAAAAAANGU/dS205pIGP4QKRE7y39Zlxd0xwoToUC5MwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8186.jpg" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hVXn3JhtYtI/X5wJ5o2tiGI/AAAAAAAANGY/s34xp_DmAwA6aj4ekfWRAW0p_G49pOzoQCLcBGAsYHQ/s497/IMG_8413.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="466" data-original-width="497" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hVXn3JhtYtI/X5wJ5o2tiGI/AAAAAAAANGY/s34xp_DmAwA6aj4ekfWRAW0p_G49pOzoQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8413.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>I can say that with my new somatic therapist it's serendipitous that they're providing me with a bunch of missing pieces that I had wished I had had for my ADHD guide on:<br /><br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;"> - <b>Boundaries </b>(and specifically HOW to set them) it's like the adventure of Consent!<br /> - What's the medical (or more holistic) take nowadays on <b>Sensitive Rejection Dysphoria</b>?<br /> - Advocating for oneself in the doctors office <br />(As I've learned more about ADHD specific gaslighting in the process of getting help for ADHD)</p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">and
also strategies for not beating myself up, so instead of things being
just general 'self-care' I was given a plethora of information on
grounding, but lots of better language all around it, like when I was describing that I have a problem with discipline, they very matter-of-factly said that consistency in ADHD is complicated/contradictory and maybe to:<br /></p><p style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: left;"><b>"try again, when it feels accessible, if you want to." </b><br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">which was a much more caring kind of balance rather than... a razor's edge.<br /></p><div style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;"><br />And
also in short order, there was this slow horror reveal that my trauma goes much deeper than I really know, (not get
into it too deep before I understand how to talk about it better) but for example, I
qualify EVERYTHING that I do as either good or bad quite unconsciously, and quite seriously heavy. <br /><br /></div><div style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;"><div style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">Feel feelings? <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;">Doing <span style="color: #04ff00;">'Good'</span> work</span></span><br />Applying for things? <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;">Doing <span style="color: #04ff00;">'Good'</span> work</span></span><br />Making <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;"><span style="color: red;">'Bad'</span></span></span> art is <span style="color: #04ff00;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;">'Good'</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">Post SOMETHING to represent the last two months, something = <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;"><span style="color: #38761d;">better </span></span></span>than nothing<br />Doing <span style="color: #04ff00;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;">'Good'</span></span></span> is the bare minimum (as opposed to just being alive which is <span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: courier;">not Good enough</span></span></span>)<br />etc.<br /><br />and... I can't really drop the <span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: courier;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #04ff00;">Good / Better / Best</span> </span></span></span>or the <span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: courier;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Bad / Should / Waste</span></span></span> without feeling completely disoriented and specifically dissociative.<br /></div></div><div style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p>But I also want to write about <a href="https://www.theartistsoffice.net/opaf-talks" target="_blank">a discussion put on by 'The Artists Office' and 'Other Places Art Fair'</a> that ended in talking about strategies to be purposefully, un-Capitalistically, unproductive; and that was sooo nice.<br /><br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">- One artist clears two entire months of their schedule so that there's actually space to just be!<br />- Tatiana gave her tips on grounding with literal feet on literal dirt, she also inspired me by just describing candidly being talking about deadlines that she totally missed, but then dealing with it all the same, she too ruminates on missed opportunities, AND shit happens.<br />- The example I wanted to give was going to be about how I've heard of artists sharing the power/opportunities they have by flexing the leverage they have <br /></p><p style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: left;">i. when artists refuse individual awards and share the wealth against scarcity/competition<br />ii. 'Riders' that performers write into contracts that demand that the rest of the staff be diverse<br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">- and my art piece attempting <a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/lists.html" target="_blank">to visualize anti-FOMO</a>, and <a href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1N3Gtjg1ZnyWulRMaTPy86xhCeayK4Flbwpoyshs6SNM/edit?usp=sharing">asking for help to expand it</a>, but in the end it was better that I just listened, there'll be more discussions on another day, I'm sure.<br /></p><p><br /><br />I'll just give a quick snapshot of where I've told myself it's OK if I can't get around to it (even if I'm not actually trying to say no.)<br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">I've dipped a bit in participating in some other projects where I was previously a bit more active, which I've told myself is okay: <br />- connecting more with those in the Level Ground Collective,<br />- Jennifer Moon's Scrooging Missions,<br />-
and I've got a whole 4-hour conversation I'm sitting on with Tatiana
Vahan to go over <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20181202232322/http://bar-fund.com/">'Bar-Fund'</a> as a way to lead me into writing an epic piece on Money &
Art.<br /><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">But on top of all of that I have been struggling with finishing the following things in the last 4-8 months:</p><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">- Just finish figuring out how to bring Over Over Over Part 3 to a brilliant end...<br />- Just finish figuring out how to use Unity to complete turning the art into a VR piece...<br />- Just finish figuring out Medi-Cal and when you can see someone for acupuncture or physical therapy or dental work...<br />- Just finish up looking at all of your finances since being on unemployment and figure out how long it will be until I've depleted my savings vis-a-vis a complex Excel visual aid<br />- Just tell people, curators etc. all about my brilliant art practice and post juicy snippets daily and weekly on Instagram<br />- Just finish figuring out who will write some really good letters of rec for applications deadlines coming up... (I got as far as making a diagram...)<br /></p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JjyoPNWwpc0/X5wOs2OQmXI/AAAAAAAANG4/rjWq_dGVeLMBvxVY7iDqKtmrea5rvPAtACLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/asking%2Bfor%2Bhelp.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1934" data-original-width="2048" height="378" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JjyoPNWwpc0/X5wOs2OQmXI/AAAAAAAANG4/rjWq_dGVeLMBvxVY7iDqKtmrea5rvPAtACLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h378/asking%2Bfor%2Bhelp.jpg" width="400" /></a> <br /></div><p style="margin-left: 40px; text-align: left;">Pandemic aside I just keep expecting to Nike the whole thing (Just do it).<br /></p><p>I've also been beating myself up because there's also shame around not being able to be consistent about showing up to a practice whether that's art or yoga... it's the whole 'not waiting for inspiration to strike' deal which I've been seeing versions of this motivational quote seemingly everywhere lately? <br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-T5X_9IimfvY/X5wEiG21fFI/AAAAAAAANFY/V7gDWdaXjHspTP435uUlFITCJteRc3QTwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8220.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="408" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-T5X_9IimfvY/X5wEiG21fFI/AAAAAAAANFY/V7gDWdaXjHspTP435uUlFITCJteRc3QTwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8220.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>But with Intention-Deficit Disorder and some kind of trauma that throws
me into extremes, maybe a nicer, less work-a-holic way of saying that
would be phrase it as: 'expect joy to strike at any moment, act on it if
that's ideal, or don't act on it if that's actually ideal.' So yeah
clunky, but basically reminding myself that things can be quite
inexplicably tough for me... <br /></div><div><br />This is me:<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6E_bFMYu6CI/X5wFRh8pyuI/AAAAAAAANF8/axDKJDw_Rjw7hsCNA-cO65WVY4kVUsZygCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8452.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="594" data-original-width="640" height="297" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6E_bFMYu6CI/X5wFRh8pyuI/AAAAAAAANF8/axDKJDw_Rjw7hsCNA-cO65WVY4kVUsZygCLcBGAsYHQ/w320-h297/IMG_8452.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p>And this is me:<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOCQT3t7yx0/X5wFS0RP0zI/AAAAAAAANGA/2xC-NE5VRJoXyRbpdEhR7FC75TwN759lgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8453.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="465" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOCQT3t7yx0/X5wFS0RP0zI/AAAAAAAANGA/2xC-NE5VRJoXyRbpdEhR7FC75TwN759lgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8453.jpg" width="320" /> </a></div><p></p><p>Then this is me:<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0x9PbeijTMs/X5wFHVBJHaI/AAAAAAAANFw/oKMb-tNQN-s-fnk3-_jIP__Y50Fr0gjrQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8440.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="520" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0x9PbeijTMs/X5wFHVBJHaI/AAAAAAAANFw/oKMb-tNQN-s-fnk3-_jIP__Y50Fr0gjrQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8440.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Because I really...<br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cZxN9JtroPo/X5wFFMhoiVI/AAAAAAAANFs/YUlfwEx_AFQ9EAdfIIYuy8QJa5LJXV_CACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8437.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cZxN9JtroPo/X5wFFMhoiVI/AAAAAAAANFs/YUlfwEx_AFQ9EAdfIIYuy8QJa5LJXV_CACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8437.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p><br />And this seems too true...<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LFn2EYp3svY/X5wFCLWfYaI/AAAAAAAANFo/TOpaOrnV9vIxg5dDBhIsx62JnJ4Js1H0wCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_8278.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="511" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LFn2EYp3svY/X5wFCLWfYaI/AAAAAAAANFo/TOpaOrnV9vIxg5dDBhIsx62JnJ4Js1H0wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_8278.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />So uh yeah, this is a real ramble of a post, but basically I just wanted to remind myself that among all of the pretty meh stuff, was a lot of glimpses of a horizon. I don't quite know what's beyond my early coping mechanisms that probably are no longer serving me, but I will say that sometimes I do... get 'round to it.<br /><br />Is there a phrase for the artistic version of actually starting something that you've been avoiding...<p></p><p>that's akin to "the bark is worse than it's bite?"<br /><br />all I've come up with is "The Relief of Now AND Later", but surely there's some kind of word play that will just *click* in a much smoother way... I can almost picture this motivation, something that I hang in my bedroom so it's the first thing I see when I wake up. <br /><br />Right now the message I use is, "just try it for 15 minutes..." <br />The only problem is well.. right now it's 6 am.<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-79880386122220506692020-08-25T00:07:00.002-07:002020-08-25T00:07:21.886-07:00Part 1: Precursor to a Perspicacious Vision Board<p>I keep thinking about making plans, but some antagonism towards work, as well as participating in some reading groups has also inspired me to find ways that I DO want to work.
</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aEqO0oh1mTg/X0S4DUwM33I/AAAAAAAAM_0/yP37QfSZ8M4YRHGRR_e8MiTA5PAlOgj5gCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/What%2Bis%2Bmy%2Bhangup%2Bwith%2Bwork2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1721" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aEqO0oh1mTg/X0S4DUwM33I/AAAAAAAAM_0/yP37QfSZ8M4YRHGRR_e8MiTA5PAlOgj5gCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/What%2Bis%2Bmy%2Bhangup%2Bwith%2Bwork2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-style: italic;">“The major job was getting people to understand that they had something within their power that they could use, and it could only be used if they understood what was happening and how group action could counter violence…” </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">- Ella Jo Baker</span></div><div><br /></div><div>Ella Baker had an audacity to dream big, but she also said the following:
</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: 18px;">"This may only be a dream of mine, but I think it can be made real.”</span></div><div><br /></div><div>And there’s many interesting notes about the kinds of plans made by George Schuyler and Ella Baker from Irvin J. Hunt’s essay “May Things Fall Apart” (Looking at their interest in co-operatives in the 1930s)
</div><div><br /></div><div>"Planning for the collapse of the governing body was thus tantamount to remaking the body of the black public sphere, turning a collectivity organized around charismatic male leaders into one defined by gender-critical societies, each governing itself into ungovernability.”
</div><div><br /></div><div>Dr. Irvin Hunt went on to say that Ella Baker never wanted to be held up as an exceptional individual <span style="font-style: italic;">(like Biden did during his recent DNC speech)</span> because the whole idea was to have <span style="font-style: italic;">each</span> generation get to work in <span style="font-style: italic;">their</span> time, not to rely on each older (usually male-centric) generation, and to be radically horizontal.
</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I looked up “Things Fall Apart” and I stumbled on this...<br /> </div><div><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B6-OK85w00g/X0S3zUOgc2I/AAAAAAAAM_s/X2zRcii1nhUgWDEsY1PtmbfItVn9S2-0gCLcBGAsYHQ/s474/Chinua%2BAchebe.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="316" data-original-width="474" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B6-OK85w00g/X0S3zUOgc2I/AAAAAAAAM_s/X2zRcii1nhUgWDEsY1PtmbfItVn9S2-0gCLcBGAsYHQ/s0/Chinua%2BAchebe.jpeg" /></a> <br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I kindof wanted to see it in inclusive language so I re-wrote it thus:
</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold;">Visual art/ Literary arts/ Performing art/ Culinary art is one's constant effort to create for oneself a different order of reality from that which is given to you or me or any of us.</span></div><div><br /></div><div>“Fugitive Planning” in Fred Moten & Stefano Harney’s terms involves “self-sufficiency at the social level, and it reproduces in its experiment not just what it needs, life, but what it wants, life in difference, in the play of the general antagonism”
</div><div><span style="font-size: 12px;"><i>(Honestly I have to re-read all that to figure out if I really understand it. I know it’s important somehow...)</i></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: 18px;">So a Vision Board… </span></div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe one can update what it is and how it works? So it can take in consideration:
</div><ol><li><div><a href="https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org/white-supremacy-culture-characteristics.html">White Supremacy Culture Characteristics</a></div></li><li><div>Bene Brown & Whole Hearted Living <a href="https://cls.unc.edu/files/2015/06/Handouts-on-Shame-3-slides-with-notes1.pdf">(See workshops based on it)</a>
</div></li><li><div>The skepticism from one guy on 'Vision Boards'
</div><div>(even though he probably wants to sell you his version of an ‘Action Board’…)
</div><div><a href="https://www.evernote.com/l/ABrKpefdOnhHu6X3wL4_jKdWFS2V7FI2Geg">“Recycle Your ‘Vision Board’ / <i>Positive Thinking is White Junk Pseudoscience</i></a></div><div><i>(the secondary title is mine)</i></div></li></ol>Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-14124417447994036362020-08-12T17:00:00.000-07:002020-08-12T17:00:47.092-07:00A brief introduction to the Allied Media Conference (Transcript of the opening to 'Queer Astrological Technologies, Live from the 2020 AMC!)<span style="font-family: trebuchet;">While I was in the labor group with Bene & Emaline [insert website here], I realized that
not everyone knows what AMC is (even though I still haven't been?!) but I
thought this was a nice intro, I feel like everyone I know would love
it, so if you want to hear an intro to it, there's a quick short explanation from Autumn Brown that is accessible either by Podcast OR the clips published on YouTube. I thought it'd be neat if I plugged in links to the references mentioned to see how deep and wide it goes!<br /><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><a href="https://www.endoftheworldshow.org/blog/2020/8/3/queer-astrological-technologies-live-from-the-2020-amc" id="https://www.endoftheworldshow.org/blog/2020/8/3/queer-astrological-technologies-live-from-the-2020-amc" imageanchor="1" name="https://www.endoftheworldshow.org/blog/2020/8/3/queer-astrological-technologies-live-from-the-2020-amc" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="174" data-original-width="477" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I2mSleGDNbI/XzQqyk-39jI/AAAAAAAAM-Q/hzm9VO31p_YUBNmIsBGfcyJoHi8yIM5SACLcBGAsYHQ/s0/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-08-12%2Bat%2B10.45.18%2BAM.png" /></a></span></div><div style="-en-clipboard: true;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><a href="https://iambrown.org/bio/" id="https://iambrown.org/bio" name="https://iambrown.org/bio" target="_blank">Autumn Brown</a><a href="https://iambrown.org/bio/" target="_blank">, (Sagittarius Sun, Gemini Rising and Libra Moon) Queer science fiction writer based in Minneapolis, (the epicenter of the uprising) and also a mother of dragons:
</a></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">"Hello beloved survivors, what you are about to hear is a plenary conversation that Adrienne and I hosted at the <a href="https://amc.alliedmedia.org/" target="_blank">2020 Allied Media Conference</a>, which is a career highlight for me, but might not make sense for you if you’ve never heard of the Allied Media Conference.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">So a bit of background,
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><a href="https://www.alliedmedia.org/about/story" target="_blank">The Allied Media Conference</a> or "AMC" emerges out of 20 years of relationship building across issues, identities, organizing practices and creative mediums. It started in 1990 as the Midwest Zine Conference in Bowling Green and was really compelled by the concept of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_it_yourself">Do-It-Yourself</a> or DIY media. Eventually it became the ‘Allied Media Conference' in 2002, that’s when it was re-branded as the AMC, and then in 2007 it moved its home base to <a href="https://savageminds.org/2016/07/05/reclaiming-detroit-decolonizing-archaeology-in-the-postindustrial-city/">Detroit</a>.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">That move has enabled the conference to draw on the lineage of <a href="https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/grassroots-models-of-a-just-future-learning-from-black-radicalism-in-detroit-74de83602a55">visionary Black organizing models</a>, and the legacy of Detroit as a <a href="https://solidarity-us.org/site01/atc/180/p4554/">Black Power</a> and <a href="http://mlhs.wayne.edu/files/050823_LaborsLegacy_lo.pdf" target="_blank">Labor Movement </a>city. The core of the AMC is the theory and practice of media based organizing, or ANY collaborative process that uses art, media, and technology to address the roots of <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/06/15/systemic-racism-what-does-mean/5343549002/" target="_blank">systemic problems</a>, and advance holistic solutions toward a more JUST and CREATIVE world.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">The 2018 AMC was a pivotal moment for the conference itself and after that year, after that year the conference went into chrysalis, took a year off, so there was no AMC in 2019. We were all SO looking forward to coming together again in Detroit for AMC 2020 and then… the pandemic happened... and the AMC had to transform again with a move to virtual conference for the first time.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">Adrienne and I were so honored to be asked to help open the virtual 2020 Allied Media Conference, because the AMC is a space where both of us have built and iterated on key pieces of our work. Adrienne experimented with <a href="https://www.colorlines.com/articles/octavia-butlers-message-grassroots">her first workshops on Octavia Butler</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyN76oTt67M" target="_blank">'Emergent Strategy</a>', and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISKEnvcRmMs" target="_blank">'Pleasure Activism'</a> at the AMC, I helped to co-host the first ever <a href="https://justhealing.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/healing-justice-practice-spaces-a-how-to-guide-with-links.pdf">healing justice practice space</a> at the Allied Media Conference, and it’s also the space where I led some of my first earliest science fiction and social justice workshops, some of my earliest <a href="https://aorta.coop/portfolio_page/anti-oppressive-facilitation/">anti-oppression facilitation</a> workshops...
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">AMC for both of us and for many other people who have gone over the course of the last decade or so, we’ve experienced it as one of the few national conferences where new work is actually developed and iterated, not just a place where people are dropping in to present on the work they’re doing somewhere else. It’s also a space that over the last decade has shifted to center <a href="https://www.cjr.org/analysis/capital-b-black-styleguide.php">Black</a>, and <a href="https://www.culturalsurvival.org/publications/cultural-survival-quarterly/media-means-transmit-indigenous-knowledge" target="_blank">Indigenous</a> and <a href="https://ccgsd-ccdgs.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/QTBIPOC-History-Reference.pdf" target="_blank">POC and queer folx</a>, so sometimes when we’re there it feels like we’re walking into the world that we want to live in?
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">It’s a really magical place.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">So the conversation you're about to hear is the opening plenary of the Allied Media Conference 2020, where 'How to Survive the End of the World' brought back one of our earliest guests, the queer astrologer, <a href="#" id="https://chaninicholas.com/" name="https://chaninicholas.com/">Chani Nicholas</a>. Chani as you probably remember is the author of the NYT bestseller, <a href="" id="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/37959939-you-were-born-for-this" name="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/37959939-you-were-born-for-this">'You Were Born for This'</a> <a href="#" id="https://lithub.com/you-can-order-today-from-these-black-owned-independent-bookstores/" name="https://lithub.com/you-can-order-today-from-these-black-owned-independent-bookstores/">(get it here?)</a>, and she’s a hardworking astrologer whose work has offered a new kind of consciousness for our social movements in terms of our broader purpose and our practice.
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">So we talk about this in the plenary, we talk about the role of the Allied Media Conference inside our movements, and we talk about how to work with 'Hard Astrology' of which there is quite a lot coming our way over the course of the rest of this first year. This 90-minute conversation that we had really helped set the tone of the rest of the virtual conference, we hope that you enjoy our giddy, love filled talk with Chani as much as we enjoyed having it…
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;">Welcome to the AMC 2020..." <br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlTsLXqmzN0" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="376" data-original-width="697" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4NXup8ir0nM/XzRkTxKWv1I/AAAAAAAAM-c/20R6VNVDPjUBNFPFEd81Zrth1NPhIqDDACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-08-12%2Bat%2B2.50.48%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlTsLXqmzN0" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br />+</b></span></span>AMC Video Here</span></a></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/9wtc6ko0ol5y3xg/HTS_AMC2020.pdf?dl=0HTS%20ESSENTIALS" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>+</b></span></span>FULL Transcript Here</a></b></span></span><br /></div>Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-13987472720379649142020-07-30T23:08:00.003-07:002020-07-30T23:09:27.735-07:00Simone DeSousa Gallery to close its exhibition space, another small business closes during COVID<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-etO5MMeU8-s/XyOgjTLNBmI/AAAAAAAAM7w/invUZumwUcY84Ogw6nYpdFnV0es9r-VrwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_6971.JPG" style="margin-left: 0em; margin-right: 0em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-etO5MMeU8-s/XyOgjTLNBmI/AAAAAAAAM7w/invUZumwUcY84Ogw6nYpdFnV0es9r-VrwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_6971.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/Gallery%201%20Installation%20view.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="426" src="https://construction.cedrictai.com/Gallery%201%20Installation%20view.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/2014.html">Images above include a shot of me n Simone in 2014 at my second solo show in the space that’s closing</a></td></tr>
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I know it’s just high ceiling white walls, and @SimoneDeSousaGallery can be proud of being at this spot for a decade, but in the context of ppl talking about trying to support Black owned businesses I can’t not think about Simone DeSousa Gallery as being run by an immigrant, a woman of color (Do we have another word for POC that’s not white-centric yet?) and the difference/disparity of connections and wealth that other galleries enjoy that will weather this COVID storm.<br />
<br />
I vividly think about #SimoneDeSousa working so hard to get publications made, international connections, things that those with deeper pockets, bigger names, wouldn’t bat an eye at being able to produce on a whim.<br />
<br />
Anyone else hear about the gallery that refused approved PPE loans because their rich family refused such handouts, so... instead the director fired all of the staff who made the gallery run? What if that gallery could’ve taken the loan and their privilege to pay the staff that would be hit the hardest and have THAT go forward as the gallery’s image...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xdd6vNjJLuY/XyOg6T04ZSI/AAAAAAAAM8A/9omIWIroN64mfmnoSwppKdxXs77U2Xz1QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/SimoneDeSousaSpace%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="838" data-original-width="1200" height="446" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xdd6vNjJLuY/XyOg6T04ZSI/AAAAAAAAM8A/9omIWIroN64mfmnoSwppKdxXs77U2Xz1QCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/SimoneDeSousaSpace%2Bcopy.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting help from artists Karianne Spens-Hanna and Alissa R Lamarre, but also a shout out to the help me and my art has gotten from artist Virginia Torrence too!</td></tr>
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Anyways, <br />
<br />
it reminds me that #SpiralCollective also used to be on this block with #Goodwells (RIP vegan pocket sandwich) and even longer ago there was Willis Gallery, and of course before that, a place of trade for Indian/Indigenous people, the ‘Three Fires People’ (Ojibwe, Odawa and Botawatami.) There’s a quote I came across that was chilling, look up its context some time: “I had an elder tell me one time that we were conquered by our own love. And I believe that.” - Sue Franklin<br />
<br />
I feel lucky to have been represented by Simone who is more concerned about trying to figure out how to support more artists of color than how the gallery might look after posting Black Lives Matter to all of the gallery’s followers…<br />
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<br />
So I do think that this is kindof a big deal that Simone DeSousa's exhibition space is coming to a close because without loans/support/a flush backer, it simply can't survive the pandemic, when other newer galleries will have benefited from galleries run by POC making something ‘a cool place to be’… <br />
<br />
What if these galleries were to take this time and reflect on the loss of Simone DeSousa’s space and with intention function less competitively, y'know kindof like the artists we know in Detroit? (To show support for how prior to her success maybe ya’ll didn’t think it was safe to open a contemporary gallery in the city...)<br />
<br />
Thank Simone for her vision by giving the kind of support that you get automatically. Offer the grant writer or banker you pay that may know of an opportunity for small businesses that she wasn’t able to land, help to partially fund upcoming projects so she doesn’t shoulder that burden on her own funds, have information about ‘Editions’ at your own counter and tell people that Simone DeSousa Gallery had to close down the main gallery space and that is that spaces/projects run by people of color of too few and far between in this city with these demographics.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kindof my 4th show that I put on with the gallery, was curating 'Over Over Over', this is an image of one of many banners by Ross Sinclair</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">wonky mini concrete pillars I imagined for future fundraisers for Simone, still available at <a href="https://www.simonedesousagallery.com/edition/">Editions!</a></td></tr>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-59127221115138103382020-07-10T20:40:00.001-07:002020-07-11T11:58:27.527-07:00Book Review of "How to Know What's Really Happening" - Francis McKee (2016)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Living in Los Angeles with having two therapists and thankfully COVID ended my dead-end job for 5.5 years, all me and friends wanted to know was... how do we become our best selves, set ourselves up to not hate ourselves and our lives if somehow it turns out that's what we're used to? (Thanks Capitalism) <br />
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Anxiety/depression pushes those thoughts away and says, look at this excel spreadsheet, when including a car and your lifestyle and your rent, it costs you $125 a day to be alive, get back on that horse! <br />
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So that's the context in which I may have gotten a few art-focused self-help books on getting back into art, but I could never stop having one foot out of the door. I mean, it's great advice and all, but aren't I trying to one day get a cushy job of being an art consultant too? I'm supposed to be making my brand of kool-aid too!<br />
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Then I think about my friend Francis and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34487078-how-to-know-what-s-really-happening">his book "How to Know What's Really Happening"</a> which has come back to me after being on loan for a few years and I wonder...<br />
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How does he deal with both sincerity of strategies, his own joy in research, and his own and others' mental health within an art world that perhaps is looking to be only decreasing in funding, increasing in MFA graduates as consumers, artists attempting to be global and relevant enough to translate it into further opportunities for themselves? The last thing I think he was actually trying to make was just another self-help book. <br />
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If you think that this is all just interesting tidbits stitched together, then I think it's similar to Maggie Nelson's "Bluets" or Harry Dodge's "The River of the Mother of God: Notes on Indeterminancy, v.2" which all make fascinating references so quick and accessible it hand it makes you wonder why you never get answers this quick when you <i>actually</i> try to Google something.<br />
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But there's also skeptical reviews of his book and so I also think that his cover should have warned the reader enough that you were not going to be able to get access to the information you may have been looking for in the first place. If anything, the amount of references and what you can glean from them is more like a time capsule than a little red book that you can wave in the air and memorize to join a movement.<br />
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I'll spoil the 'ending' for you just so that you maybe can enjoy the book on another level other than seeking answers because Francis McKee is a trickster of a very high level (and last I heard it's out of print so I don't feel so bad posting pages from the book up on Instagram...):<br />
<b><br />How to know what's really happening:</b><br />
<b>Question 1:</b> Describe one of your most viewed YouTube clips and talk about what in it appeals to you.<br />
<b>Question 2: </b>Who is your favorite historical figure and why?<br />
<b>Question 3:</b> Who is your favorite fictional character and what draws you to this character?<br />
<b>Question 4:</b> What would you do if you were a magpie? (Of the Corvidae family, one of the only animals that's not a mammal that can recognize itself in the mirror)<br />
<b>Question 5:</b> Outline a scenario for your ideal trip.<br />
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<br />
<br />
And then he proves his metrics Must be worth something because it's the
same questions used by Fortune 500 companies, NASA, Oxbridge entrance
interviews... So if that irony is lost on you, do know that it's not a
joke at your expense, it's more of a self-deprecating joke where perhaps
we all lose, so it's not just you... solidarity! <br />
<br />
In many ways this is a book about dispelling the myths of greatness into bite size chunks.<br />
<br />
Don't
think you'd understand artsy books like Finnegans Wake? Francis glibly
has it down to a few sentences. Want to hear a bunch of strange but true
stories about Science (with a capital "S")? Then this is the next best
read after the 'Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat'.<br />
I think this book sits next to Paul Preciado's article "Learning from the Virus" because when it says to leave your phone and its tracking behind, McKee ends his by saying "I have decided to leave my baggage unattended" (both the sign of the privilege to travel where the curse is that Capitalism is making Everything look the same and GPS/wifi means you can never be lost again, but also that when we follow the official rules and regulations we are casually supporting that system by being a rule-follower of sorts)<br />
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I also think that he's contemplating books like adrienne maree brown's "Emergent Strategies: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds" as well as Ross Birrell's "Justified Sinners" as the kind of books small enough to pass around friends who may be familiar with all of the references but it's nice to have it all in one concise package.<br />
But unlike those two I think he deliberately side-steps the elephant in the room of "but what activist actions produce lasting change?" in order to have exactly those kinds of thoughts;<br />
because he knows that if you, the reader, does not actively update any kind of information into the lens of one's actual, current context, it is just some kind of virtue signaling or only taking in stories for their seductive aesthetic. The book itself is like a Socratic method littered with false entry points to prove a point.<br />
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I feel like this book would look at Adam Curtis' HyperNormalization' and say, how exactly do we know that we're better than or not in the disinformation times of the Soviet Union? And then perhaps it would also slyly point out that the film doesn't quite have a favorable view of women... <br />
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There's this idea from Jonathan Crary's "24/7" that kindof says "Garbage in, Garbage out" and it tries to get at the low quality of the stream of information we think we need, but where that book says to SLEEP, this book says to have patience, to step further back. Maybe you'll never be able to stop the onslaught of information, maybe because you're not supposed to... maybe you can render it powerless in another way that starts with how you alienate corporations instead of people... (words taken from Emaline from 'Workshopping Work Beyond Capitalism' assembly)<br />
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Maybe we just don't actually know how to respond to the actual abundance that is online as if you're part of one gigantic single mind! <br />
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(Francis McKee is pulling from people commenting on other people's Facebook pages, unpublished films where you can see snippets of it on You Tube, and probably a snapshot of 3 months worth of articles from places like Science Alert, Wired, and the occasional tabloid newspaper/magazine. There is sheer abundance if your essays don't stick to whatever you can access via JStor)<br />
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You might wonder, who reads the drivvel that comes out of 'The Sun', 'Mirror', or 'Express', but then shouldn't we be asking ourselves how do we really differentiate the stuff we don't take seriously, and the stuff that we take so so seriously. And what if there is something bigger at play here, could pulled quotes from publications called 'The Sun', 'Mirror', or 'Express' actually be meant as a tarot reading? (The book he wrote after this featured tarot)<br />
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This little yellow pamphlet might be like an inside joke as a whole, but in the space between the bibliographical references it's got real things that the author themselves lives by, runs organizations by, and that the book has been written by.<br />
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Want specifics of what I mean (in terms of how the book is written in the spirit that it is inspired by?)<br />
- He gives a neat history of Mass-Observation (the archive) while the book itself is a quirky archive of whatever was in the news in 2016.<br />
- He talks about a guide-book to know "what's going on" can't really be 'out there' (and therefore not even in his book) "We have reached a point here where the search for what is happening no longer concerns the outer world. It's now the inner realm, the weather in our head, that we must learn to<br />
navigate."<br />
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<br />
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In between the lines this book assumes that protest is necessary,
and that maybe the best "skill set" may be to know how to come back to
yourself when all of the information threatens to make you feel
inadequate. I think it's a 'meta' reading/action, like the moment you grab this
self-described self-help book, you realize that to take it in on your
terms you're sharpening your skills in spotting Neoliberal rhetoric,
questioning the source that assumes self-aggrandizing individualism (like being 'Woke'), and
noting that the lip-service-strategies proposed to eventually deal with
climate change aren't going to help us nearly enough when it comes to
climate change right now (Lookin' at you Biden). It assumes that we are living our greatest challenges to our lives and need to know that there isn't a message we can buy into, nor can we get away with publishing self-help books (or COVID resource packets or Instagram life hacks) ad nauseum. It's a darkly funny proposition of 'What do we doooo?' and one of his responses is to look at those who thought the world was going to end, and well... I guess since the government murdered them, the world kindof did. But hey you're reading this and you're alive, and you thought a book titled "How to Know What's Really Happening" would be somewhat enlightening, so why don't You figure out how has one person's activity of 'Listening' turned into a book that seems like it's about nothing?<br />
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This book is perfect reading for a laugh when trapped in purgatory for eternity, nothing is funnier than reading "the year 2016" when time no longer exists.</div>
Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-73390686689170278272020-06-10T17:09:00.001-07:002020-06-10T17:22:40.698-07:00This post goes against Community Standards on spam [CLOSED]<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In the past week two different posts of mine (without being flagged as inappropriate) were taken down by Facebook for other unknown reasons, which is fine, I can just post it here, so it's at the bottom. But it reminded me that I don't think I'm nearly careful enough about decreasing my online footprint in solidarity with those who need to do covert things away from the prying/opportunistic eyes of the gigantic corporations that own and sell our data. Unless someone is in the middle of a protest, how does one really
understand the importance of online privacy as well as 'challenging the
algorithms' that create information bubbles? I've talked with many people who just shrug and say that we
just gave it up and that's that. </div>
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Similarly, Rachel also pointed out that we're applying for all of
these grants but there is still an invisible labor and a product taking
place. We do quite a bit of bureaucratic work just for the possibility
that an organization can find us, and decide if they want to help us,
maybe use us to help market themselves and in the end the only thing we
know for sure is that they have a whole lot more information on us than
we do on them.</div>
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Before I go on, I thought it would be fun to give a quick hack for anonymity/no tracking that requires no technological knowledge: Share a password to a Gmail account, then feel free to keep editing the draft among yourselves. This was the basis for a group called '<a href="https://www.artslant.com/ny/articles/show/38312-neverhitsend-a-conversation-with-la-based-arts-technology-collective">neverhitsend</a>'. </blockquote>
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What's the best way to think about it? Is it that we need to 'educate' people to have online hygiene, in the same way that we have to teach people how to be less vulnerable to scammers? It seems like the problem, like with climate change, is that too many people don't know or believe that it's a big problem. I'm one of them... and i've been trying to figure it out for years now, but the furthest I've gotten is paying for a VPN... I'm waiting for a good friend to tap me on the shoulder and show me that everyone else has been on an alternative to Instagram/Facebook, an alternative to Gmail, an alternative to Google Maps, an alternative to Google Drive... the amount of 'free' things that I utilize goes on and on.</div>
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Isn't is strange that we kindof use the term 'online footprint' which sounds like one's 'carbon footprint' (especially when cloud based services and data servers actually have a large carbon footprint that is <a href="https://qz.com/1809762/how-much-energy-do-data-centers-really-use/">kept mostly a secret</a>). And an online footprint is more like leaving a trail of your previously private information, but supposedly, we approved in some small print somewhere that they could clip on a tracking advice in exchange for convenience. Since there's been a lot of really good memes lately, maybe someone can construct a better analogy?:</div>
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Imagine almost everyone wearing an N95 respirator mask<span class="st"><i></i></span> (for a timely metaphor) or better yet, one of those heavy duty respirator mask where you can change out the canisters. It's just something we're getting used to needing to wear all the time so there's a lot of talk about using them 'correctly'.<br />
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<img alt="9000 Full Face Respirator Mask | Exclusive Design | Buy Now at Moldex" class="n3VNCb" data-noaft="1" height="200" src="https://www.moldex.com/wp-content/uploads/9000.jpg" style="margin: 0px;" width="190" /><br />
Outside that conversation about their efficacy a technological discovery comes into fashion where one can add a straw or tube through the mask, and all of a sudden there's the amazing convenience where people to hear you better (you're not super muffled anymore) and it gets recorded or maybe you can now do something novel that never existed before, being able to drink something through a straw without taking off your mask and for the most part it's safe enough. With this technology that can control what goes in and out, you're aware that some people don't even wear masks to protect themselves from viruses, but these companies promise that it'll be just as safe as keeping your mask on. But if you really think about it, you might remove the straw when you realize you don't want to be connected anymore, but you still have this hole in your mask that compromises the whole point of wearing one in the first place. You still have all of this stuff that you wanted to be recorded, but now you don't want it up, and you definitely don't get access to change that either.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6q3j8UxH9E/XuFaVJYU9gI/AAAAAAAAMwU/EZn_p6JHm24LH3F-M-vIIOd7Q4KxECFMQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/into-GIF.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="360" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C6q3j8UxH9E/XuFaVJYU9gI/AAAAAAAAMwU/EZn_p6JHm24LH3F-M-vIIOd7Q4KxECFMQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/into-GIF.gif" width="240" /></a><br />
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I went on a longer rant that equated getting bubbles in the straw were pop-up ads and how you think you're doing this to control 100% of viruses, but I digress...</blockquote>
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<i>In terms of getting these messages across I just want to take a moment to advertise for a group that I'm in: <a href="https://vimeo.com/390892940">Workshopping Work Beyond Capitalism</a> that previously was another group that met up monthly called The Future of Labor, and we made these t-shirts that YOU can also get, but only if you join us!:</i><br />
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<i><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4vTUBDTF1sA/XuFc0tI1h0I/AAAAAAAAMwg/RoHvhvnhi50np9OIESPudq6FofhDgL7_gCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_1077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4vTUBDTF1sA/XuFc0tI1h0I/AAAAAAAAMwg/RoHvhvnhi50np9OIESPudq6FofhDgL7_gCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_1077.JPG" width="480" /></a></i></div>
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Being as private as possible online, just like everything else, has become a politicized issue. I may be generalizing incorrectly but trying to get stronger privacy laws and privacy based apps/programs is perceived as something utilized by the far lefties terrorists that have some kind of connection to the tech sector, definitely not for the conservatives who believe that any kind of regulation will harm the best business practices of the internet of <span class="st"><i>Laissez</i>-<i>faire</i></span> (not the actual free-ness of it, but the ability to commodify everything from fast lanes to censuring and quelling protests). </div>
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But at its worse the, "I have nothing to hide" sentiment that I hear in response, regardless of political leaning, is worrisome.</div>
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One of the tasks at hand is to understand the power dynamic, the leverage that changes when we open up systems that we partake in en masse (regardless if it's legal or not, like with downloading free music) and businesses will both act shocked as if the world is ending, but in reality they will always seem to know how to adapt (if it has to) and get more from us than we even know. At it's worse, as I think we're about to find out. Again, it's not until shit hits the fan that we realize how used, how vulnerable we are, that once we're a target for whatever scapegoating reason. At that moment, we're not exactly hard to find, so we better hope that the politics ends up working in our favor and that it is us, not president Trump, that ends up getting pardoned for the things that we say and do. Maybe there's other things that are really bad about it all, but I don't know them, and it hasn't stopped me from posting on Facebook/Gmail/MacBook Pro/ etc. so I guess I'm asking for someone to ELI5, why exactly and how exactly do we get disconnected from these corporate technologies? I want to believe, but from my surface experience with making the switches, it simply hasn't changed my habits.</div>
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Ok, this was my post that got taken down, except now with images!:</div>
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<span class="_hha _2iem">All I want to do is punch my way through being
overwhelmed by all of the resources from BlackOutTuesday, compile all of
the various things to sort by topic then compare to figure which advice
is most solid/accessible and which may just be outdated, <br /><br />if it is
offered by a white identified person, or a black identified person, and
put it into a visual mind map where each link also includes versions of
things that may not have yet been transcribed,
so that maybe others won't have to stumble through trying to find
something again through Instagram stories of TikTok videos crosschecked
with Snopes, spend 4 hours a day trying to comb through reposts of IGTV
posts that I forgot to Like, or Save or Screen record and then remember
what I was doing before getting overwhelmed.
<br /><br />[Examples of differing information where it's all good advice but
slightly different: Dealing with myths/methods of dealing with tear gas
between <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/11036190/Palestinians-tweet-tear-gas-advice-to-protesters-in-Ferguson.html">Rana Nazzal </a>(Milk not water!) <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@ajadventure/video/6832119265382993157">@Ajadventure</a> (Liquid Antacids not
Milk!) then <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA0aQRdjus6/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">Danielle Guldin</a> (Knowledge that helps one stay calm not
Baking Soda! although now I feel the need to track down where someone recommends baking soda)] </span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0WKhaFrPLi0/XuFmh8NCC7I/AAAAAAAAMxM/t_5aBZoWqLk4cCYCaNaKfs60Ky3AOH-xgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/different%2Bviews.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="748" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0WKhaFrPLi0/XuFmh8NCC7I/AAAAAAAAMxM/t_5aBZoWqLk4cCYCaNaKfs60Ky3AOH-xgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/different%2Bviews.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span class="_hha _2iem">In terms of resources and accessibility most likely when you'd come across a resource it's not always transcribed or translated or summarized or all 3. Should you go off of who is giving the advice and how they describe their qualifications? Do you go off the # of likes, # of views, the # of shares? Was it first put up on Twitter, Tik Tok or IGTV? Does it have the right hashtags? Or just trust that since it hasn't been flagged since being up at least a week, it must all be good enough information? <br /><br />This is what I mean by being overwhelmed... how can a non-organized person access this information when we already assume we're informed consumers... but also we assume that when we <i>save</i> all of these posts we'll just somehow magically want to find the time to go back and read all of it. <br /><br />Just like the original anarchists' cookbook, it has the naughty fun of being information that you<i> shouldn't</i> know but unlike right now, it feels like the Library of Babel version of that.</span></div>
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<span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C0frpojG1AA/XuFtbycCatI/AAAAAAAAMxY/QZK_sFNVgeEHDMadD2wHo5uBh_O3eHongCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/more%2Bthan%2BI%2Bcan%2Bchew.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="799" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C0frpojG1AA/XuFtbycCatI/AAAAAAAAMxY/QZK_sFNVgeEHDMadD2wHo5uBh_O3eHongCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/more%2Bthan%2BI%2Bcan%2Bchew.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="_hha _2iem"><br /><br />Everything below is what I just sent to a friend, tag anyone who you
think is on the fence, i gravitate towards accessibility (even from just
a glance):
</span></div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">Best FAQ I’ve seen so far about defunding the Police:</a></span><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link"><br /></a><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lZtZAZUSpI8/XuFgy5S4XXI/AAAAAAAAMw0/A_3DpHpHBjIzKY8UxHcHpWyZI3aRJ_j5ACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/into-Gif4.gif" width="320" /></a><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link"><br /></a><span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">https://www.instagram.com/p/CA59D-eFTzE/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link</a></span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span class="_hha _2iem">After WWII people in Germany actively looked out for ‘Neo-Nazis’ to keep them in
check, the Me-Too movement made public a Black list of high up sexual
predators, now there’s a list of the police brutality JUST during the
peaceful protests: </span></li>
</ul>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_904865162" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="553" data-original-width="748" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zNk3v7HoKWg/XuFilvqLQTI/AAAAAAAAMxA/icTgE7-b5CA88XO0p2THNPxeTBW8XyUvACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/spreadsheet.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.mic.com/p/meet-the-activists-who-created-ever-growing-google-doc-of-police-violence-across-america-22970905"><span class="_hha _2iem">https://www.mic.com/p/meet-the-activists-who-created-ever-growing-google-doc-of-police-violence-across-america-22970905</span></a></div>
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<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Scary but, never thought about it that way before in terms of "It’s not
going to kill you” that's just one takeaway <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA7hEHWA-fX/?igshid=wngxdliam0wg">from a lot of history laid
out by #SonyaReneeTaylor:
</a></span><a href="https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA7hEHWA-fX/?igshid=wngxdliam0wg"><br /></a><span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA7hEHWA-fX/?igshid=wngxdliam0wg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="532" data-original-width="643" height="330" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-43icmfEz2LY/XuFu7I4mV2I/AAAAAAAAMxk/eq6oYUBPqQoem92jYWP1QEheb0POvAIQwCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-06-10%2Bat%2B6.35.17%2BPM.png" width="400" /></a><a href="https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA7hEHWA-fX/?igshid=wngxdliam0wg"><br />https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA7hEHWA-fX/?igshid=wngxdliam0wg </a><br /><br /> </span></li>
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<li>
<span class="_hha _2iem">Ok, now that you know activism (pretty white ppl) is not going to kill
you, <a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/">what next?: </a></span></li>
<a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/">
</a></ul>
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<a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/"><br /></a></div>
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<a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="605" data-original-width="598" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NFlOSttW-zI/XuFwFLp8M5I/AAAAAAAAMxs/rOXJE9ZO3Fc8s9EBjmXf9PEgxDkzP7hIgCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-06-10%2Bat%2B6.42.42%2BPM.png" width="395" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/"><br /></a></div>
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<a href="https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/"><span class="_hha _2iem"> https://urlebird.com/video/an-activist-guide-for-grown-up-white-women-time-to-stop-feeling-6832795073953008901/ </span></a></div>
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<li><a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheHoopsTalk/posts/891858247956254"><span class="_hha _2iem">Lots of people are posting places to donate your money, like this: </span></a><span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheHoopsTalk/posts/891858247956254" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="993" data-original-width="501" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-knilCzN4X_E/XuFxL-MjU7I/AAAAAAAAMx0/lxyYtBES5qALbdOWARa44o2VPj6ekR_DwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/black%2Bled.jpg" /></a><a href="https://www.facebook.com/TheHoopsTalk/posts/891858247956254">https://www.facebook.com/TheHoopsTalk/posts/891858247956254 </a></span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Wouldn’t reparations make more sense than how disproportionately the
police (and military) are currently funded?: <br /><br />https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/may/31/the-answer-to-police-violence-is-not-reform-its-defunding-heres-why</span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">but what’s the incentive for white people to do such a thing who rail
against identity politics?
Ok I stumbled on this a while ago when I was doing research for
stand-up, but I feel like <a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/cast/roy-wood-jr/g7ybx1/how-white-guilt-subscriptions-are-solving-racism">humor is the way to go as far as
‘communicating’ goes: </a></span><a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/cast/roy-wood-jr/g7ybx1/how-white-guilt-subscriptions-are-solving-racism"><br /></a><span class="_hha _2iem"><a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/cast/roy-wood-jr/g7ybx1/how-white-guilt-subscriptions-are-solving-racism" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="429" data-original-width="768" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9XlmllbOmgc/XuF0RrQ1nXI/AAAAAAAAMyA/2xIyXzhLzvQtcKT-HypmCd3c-pN-LDJFQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/reparations%2Bcoffee.jpg" /></a><a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/cast/roy-wood-jr/g7ybx1/how-white-guilt-subscriptions-are-solving-racism">http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/cast/roy-wood-jr/g7ybx1/how-white-guilt-subscriptions-are-solving-racism </a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.lesliemac.com/updates/2018/5/1/leslie-mac-statement-regarding-safety-pin-box"><i>(it seems even more relevant today, but unfortunately has come to an end)</i></a></span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">More good humor about people talking about why we use the terms we use:
<br /> </span></li>
<ul>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">"Yes, it originated from China, but the technical term is COVID-19. Your
mom originated from the back of a Buick Skylark, but we call her
Judith. Don't be mean.” </span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">“please do not use words like “policeman” or “policewoman” Use gender
neutral terms like “tool of the bourgeoisie” and “enemy of the people" </span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">“If I’m a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you its either because I
really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, Or I really hate you
and don’t care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one.”
<br /><br />
<i>(I couldn’t trace the original authors for any of those fun quotes) <br /><br /></i></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">5 Ways White People Can Take Action in Response to White and
State-Sanctioned Violence (From White People 4 Black Lives)
</span></li>
</ul>
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Come out as anti-racist and invite others to join you. Be public and
vocal about which side you are on, share details of the actions you are
taking to make this commitment real, and invite others to join you. </span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Join fights to defund the police. It’s local budget season and right
now across the country towns and cities are deciding how your community
will spend its resources. Join your local group already doing this work
or plan an action to tell decision makers what your community really
needs — like mental health services and affordable housing — instead of
more funding for police.</span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Make a commitment to “organize your own” for the long haul. White
communities are used to uphold the power structure and
business-as-usual. When we break away and join movements for justice,
this can help tip the balance of power and win real change. For too
long, those at the top have relied on the silence of white folks to keep
things as they are — and then we all lose. Our work is to organize in
our own communities to bring more white people into struggles for
justice, and to support the efforts led by people of color.</span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Focus on building our numbers, not being right. To end police
brutality, white supremacy, and to build a movement to get us all free,
we need to move people with us — namely people who are conflicted or
watching from the sidelines. </span></li>
<li><span class="_hha _2iem">Help resource the work of Black-led groups that are fighting for
police accountability and abolition. Find and support a local group in
your community or move your money to the front lines in Minneapolis.
Make sure folks most impacted have the resources to stay in the streets
and dream up the most powerful, transformative pathways forward.</span></li>
</ol>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-21226066233863591492020-06-01T18:33:00.003-07:002020-06-01T22:32:03.678-07:00Woah, I found my doppelganger! Another Treatise on 'Doing Nothing' (TLDR version)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">While reading articles written by <a href="https://medium.com/@sarahthibault">someone</a> in this artist-in-residency with me, I stumbled on an article by another Filipino person <a href="https://medium.com/@the_jennitaur/how-to-do-nothing-57e100f59bbb">who also wrote a long rambling essay about ‘Doing Nothing’ </a>(where mine’s about doing nothing during the Pandemic)</span></div>
<div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Also, does doppelganger always have a negative connotation? I thought it just meant like a similar person but with one thing different, like they have a mustache or something. My doppelganger gets along with her parents, but also may also live in California, <a href="https://www.jennyodell.com/">Jenny Odell</a>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><u>I thought some people with ‘Time-Blindness’ might like the TLDR, i was supposed to get groceries for dinner at least 4 hours ago...</u></span></div>
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Precursor by Deleuze: We all know that too much of something sucks. Saying Nothing is a relief and it comes right before you actually figure out what you want to say.</span></div>
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">1a. Clarifying Negative Space as ‘Nothing’ is neat. </span></div>
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">1b. Curating also takes just as much work as making something.</span></div>
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">1c. Jenny Odell creates the term ‘Observational Eros’ to describe how things are great when you realize there’s lots of ways to look at things longer, not changing a thing, in many different and artistic ways. Check out my out about how zany the marketing was for computers.</span></div>
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2a. Transitioning from James Turrell’s sky rooms to Architecture that forces you to slow down, possibly even literally get lost.<br />
<br />
2b. Gardens are cool. Labyrinths are cool.<br />
<br />
2c. Pauline Oliveros created the concept of ‘Deep Listening’ and ‘Nothing’ was hopefully Anti-War.<br />
<br />
2d. Turns out that Bird Watching should’ve been called Bird Listening / Bird Noticing.<br />
<br />
2e. For every two things you think you know, it’s actually 10 things, case in point, once Jenny O moved on from birds to humans she realized her mom’s been speaking Ilonggo / Hiligaynon not Tagalog her entire life.<br />
<br />
2f. Architecture has a way of creating seclusion, oh and btw, when was the last time you thought about your own mortality?<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br /><br />2g. Famous naturalist John Muir once blind made a pact with God to stop inventing cool things and to start studying some sweet fields.<br /><br />2h. Time is cyclical, Jenny is following in her father’s footsteps, becoming an observation-loving, foam-loving, time-taking, creative Odell. (But we all still exist in multitudes.)</span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">3a. Rich people also do nothing, non-rich people have to be sick to be allowed to do nothing.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
3bi. Back to Deleuze: You have the right to remain silent. <br />
3bii. “8 hours for work, 8 hours for rest, 8 hours for what we will (which is specifically associated with rest, thought, flowers, sunshine)<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />3biii. And rowing a boat with a porkpie hat while your lady friend holds a newspaper up so you both can read it. Also it takes place in free public spaces like parks & libraries.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">3c. “In a public space, ideally, you are a citizen with agency; in a faux public space, you are either a consumer or a threat to the design of the place.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
3di. Gentrification and Capitalism both have awful ‘productive’ values.<br />
3dii. Consider how they colonize either time or space (things both important for creativity)<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />3diii. We no longer have strong unions, freelancers lost any structure that was gained by labor activists, and yet our downtime is now uptime online, and we still think time is money.</span></div>
<div>
3ei. Remember those zany computer ads? Dun dun dunnn… They all promised with new technology we’d have even more free time.
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3eii. Don’t ‘Respect the Hustle’ we are cogs in a machine, the ‘Results-Only Revolution’ that has an infinite leash seeping into every personal moment until you can’t tell where work ends and you begin.
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3eiii. Franco Verardi describes this defeat as, “We are all capitalist’… and therefore, we should all consider life as an economic venture” But he also later goes on to relate our senses and our ability to make sense.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">3f. If you ‘are what you eat’ then it makes sense why we feel like crap while searching for ‘truth’ online.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Not actually in this article, but I was wondering why it didn’t use the term Neoliberalism because I thought that had a lot to do with breaking ones identity and time into discrete sellable bits, <a href="https://www.ppesydney.net/neoliberalism-useful-concept/">and then I realized I don’t really know what it is, here’s a shot at it, Neoliberalism</a>: Corporations delivering social services today that have an even deeper engagement in the project of expanding the ‘free-market’ (as in market construction & market freedom, not free time), now since the 70s it’s on a global scale of privatization and marketization (as well as deregulation, confronting the power of unions, and claiming that states are inherently inefficient), so the quality of our lives are being affected by new approaches to macroeconomic policy, but not just by a small circle of elites, but broader beliefs, practices and institutions.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
4a. Decrease the fast-paced, overwhelming election news, increase Birds (the winged animal).<br />
4b. Crows are so smart they even decide who goes to heaven. I, for one, welcome our new Crow overlords.<br />
4c. I try not to be weird about this at all, and I am always prepared with peanuts for the smart birds. They will teach you their ways, if only you too become Animal.<br />
4d. Why did I intuit to go to a rose garden to shed off toxic politics? I did it to be in relation to other living things and to be more grounded, literally.<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />4e. So ‘Nothing’ is being in the present, and it gets pretty Real.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
5a. Don’t stop being an activist, but that especially involves taking down time to heal, see: Audre Lord<br />
5b. Jenny Odell creates #NOMO (the necessity of missing out) to break free from #FOMO<br />
5c. Gordon Hampton, acoustic ecologist says “Silence is not the absence of something but the presence of everything.”<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />5d. SOLIDARITY by encouraging listening.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
5ei. In how information circulates, consider the difference between connectivity & sensitivity. Connectivity is instant, like how something either goes viral or not, but it’s still within a bubble of like-minded people, but also only on a surface level of relating to one another. <br />
5eii. Sensitivity doesn’t require being like-minded, but it’s definitely about coming into contact with something, which is bound to happen over time, and one or both entities may come away a little bit changed, and now aware of what may shape one another.<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />5eiii. Sensitivity takes time, and care, but do we care to take the time? </span></div>
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5f. You get 2 things from Nothing: Self Preservation & the Cultivation of Sensitivity.
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<div>
5g. Growth isn’t always so great, See: Cancer, Feeling restless towards further productivity, Too much of anything to the point where you feel like you’re losing touch of your body.
</div>
<div>
5h. Maintenance gets a bad rep, especially in relation to so-called ‘development’. Perhaps its the maintenance workers that are doing Occupy Rose Garden keeping condos at bay.
</div>
<div>
5i. Did you hear about the artist Mierle Laderman Ukeles who vowed to shake the hand of every sanitation worker (all 8,500 of em)
</div>
<div>
5j. Back to the Rose Garden. Always read the plaque. The ones here are people voted Mother of the Year in Oakland since 1954. To be Mother of the Year, you must have “contributed to improving the quality of life for the people of Oakland — through home, work, community service, volunteer efforts or combination thereof.”
</div>
<div>
5k. And how about what is considered women’s work?
</div>
<div>
5l. Rebecca Solnit has qualitative data to prove that people are not simply desperate and selfish after disasters. Also just like how people in combat create super deep bonds, so too do people who help each other in places that look like a bomb went off.
</div>
<div>
5m. But maybe everyday is a struggle, and our coping mechanisms may help protect us in the moment but may also alienate us from each other. Maybe what we need to protect are those things that make us feel human.
</div>
<div>
5n. Things that make us feel human (or animal): non-instrumental, non-commercial activity for thought, for maintenance, for care, for conviviality against being in denial that technology won’t save us, that we’re in soft fleshy bodies in the wilderness, that we don’t live forever.
</div>
<div>
5o. But y’know what’s actually the next closest thing to living forever? Spending as much time as possible to lose yourself in moments of enjoyable nothingness, even if it’s not innovative or ‘good for business’.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">5p. These smartphones are kindof like a sensory deprivation chamber…</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Epilogue: As much as I enjoyed showing all the ‘nothing’ digitally, it wasn’t as rewarding as retrieving things that meant ‘nothing’ from the SF dump, and also all of my time spent in the rose garden hasn’t led me to know what i’m doing at all, where i’m going… but there’s something about listening to Gordon Hempton’s podcast (who wrote One Square Inch of Silence) and it’s this sound of thunder… [there’s a link to it]</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
-- -- --</div>
<div>
Then I recommended:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
“24/7” by Johnathan Crary<br />
“Routine Pleasures” Exhibition Catalog curated by Michael Ned Holte<br />
“The Undercommons” by Fred Moten<br />
“Sick Woman Theory” by Johanna Hedva<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />“Learning from the Virus” by Paul B. Preciado</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">-- -- --</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Ok never mind about the TLDR thing, brevity isn’t my strong suit. Also I was very glib with things the authors said and the authors referenced, but it helped me focus to get through it, and I took a side journey to learn more about Neoliberalism, so that’s something.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><u>TLDR to the TLDR;
</u></span></div>
<div>
How To Do Nothing:
</div>
<div>
- Get to a nearby garden and just sit and listen to everything that’s alive, especially make connection with birds.
</div>
<div>
- You can tell that ‘Nothing’ is a thing because of how artists (including myself) have framed it.
</div>
<div>
- Rest is nourishing and political!
</div>
<div>
- There are many Neoliberal forces that are about using every waking moment to be efficient and productive. Doesn’t that sound exhausting? Let’s question that paradigm. But also, hit the Like button below this article…
</div>
<div>
- Notice how all of the ‘essential work’ and ‘essential workers’, including women seem to be treated as if they’re meant to do this work behind the scenes? Artists have also made invisible labor more visible!
</div>
<div>
- Get away from your phone, have an existential crisis, it’ll make you feel alive.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">- Write a ton about nothing</span></div>
</div>
Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-90868051952009858622020-05-12T22:50:00.007-07:002020-10-23T23:42:21.429-07:00What Would Haruko Do? Or, a Treatise on Doing 'Nothing' during the Pandemic.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9BierNyYuU/XrxoQaQOZAI/AAAAAAAAMbg/b0oj_iyXvfMEaJvWeq1aC8Z6pdK3XKZlACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/empty%2Bbody%2Bsketch%2B%2528smaller%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1238" data-original-width="750" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9BierNyYuU/XrxoQaQOZAI/AAAAAAAAMbg/b0oj_iyXvfMEaJvWeq1aC8Z6pdK3XKZlACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/empty%2Bbody%2Bsketch%2B%2528smaller%2529.jpg" width="385" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of a sketch I made of my 'empty' body where someone has decided to have a party by draping in bunting and latching it onto my third eye. This was inspired by Haruko Tanaka's body scan drawings made during an artist-in-residency.] </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A <span style="color: #990000;">friend</span>, Veronique, perceptively said that the pandemic feels like what early
sobriety felt like, living day by day. This idea has seemed to resonate among more than a
few of our friends.<br />
But besides being ready in an emergency for each other, is anyone else wondering... <span style="color: #990000;">what exactly </span>are we <span style="color: #990000;">supposed to be doing right now</span>?<br />
<br />
[I have a flashback to <a href="https://iffr.com/en/2003/films/i-love-you">Haruko Tanaka's film 'I Love You'</a> where one by one a friend says I love you to her face and it feels like you're trying to perceive either a sense of calm or love... but essentially, you kindof watch Haruko <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>.]<br />
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: magenta;">'Doing nothing' </span>is actually ingrained in my daily routine since I've been following this <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/fn3mh5/i_made_a_schedule_to_help_everyone_with_adhd/">Coronavirus Schedule</a> at the end of March. Between 8:30 'Eat Something' and the 9:40 'Get ready for the day' it reads:</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">7:40 - 8:40 am, Duration 1 hour</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">However YOU <span style="color: magenta;">relax </span>- <span style="color: magenta;">drink coffee<span style="color: black;">,</span> lie in bed</span> and <span style="color: magenta;">browse phone</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">take dog for a walk</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">long shower</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">game</span>. It just needs to be something that's <span style="color: magenta;"><u><b>NOT productive</b></u></span>. Aim for the <span style="color: magenta;"><u><b>lowest </b></u>possible effort</span>/<span style="color: magenta;">energy</span>/<span style="color: magenta;">motivation</span> here. **If you <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing of value</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">you've accomplished this section</span>!! Hooray!**</span></blockquote>
<br />
Another friend was prescribed <span style="color: magenta;">this 'Do Nothing'</span> as well by a therapist, so in my terrible habit of <span style="color: #990000;">not not doing anything</span>, I wrote <span style="color: #990000;">a whole bunch of stuff</span> <span style="color: magenta;">on nothing </span>instead.<br />
<span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span> couldn't be a simpler instruction although it is an <span style="color: magenta;">absurd</span>, arresting <span style="color: #990000;">command</span>. Hey YOU <span style="color: magenta;">stop that</span>! But it's also kindof serious, like... <span style="color: #990000;">life</span> and <span style="color: magenta;">death</span> serious. I wonder if we all know a story about someone who has <span style="color: #990000;">worked themselves to death</span>? Although it feels like an argument one would have with a nonchalantly
defensive person. Maybe like trying to convince someone in a full body
cast to lay down who just wants to wiggle out of it because it itches like crazy, and they feel fine and just want to get back to skateboarding. But instead of fragile physical health, it's mental health, so maybe more invisible? <i>(Oh yeah, AND the health of doctors and nurses that would be <span style="color: #990000;">overwhelmed</span> if everyone all <span style="color: #990000;">got sick</span> at once by <span style="color: #990000;">going out</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">partying en masse</span> instead of <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span> at home)</i>.<br />
<br />
And well... it <span style="color: magenta;">didn't </span>sound like the therapist gave any additional advice<i>... </i>So, when faced with <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing' </span>delivered with responsibility and care, its immediate subtext, is <span style="color: magenta;">to</span> <span style="color: magenta;">stop</span> the <span style="color: #990000;">negative spiral of shame</span> where it seems to start, in <span style="color: magenta;">a moment</span> of <span style="color: magenta;">being self-conscious</span> that one isn't <span style="color: #990000;">doing enough</span>, when really one just maybe<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="background-color: white;"> doesn't know </span></span><span style="color: #990000;">exactly what</span> to <span style="color: #990000;">do</span>?<br />
<br />
More and more I talk with my friends about <span style="color: #990000;">trauma</span>, we <span style="color: magenta;">rarely</span> talk about <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, but mostly we try <span style="color: magenta;">to practice</span> talking about <span style="color: #990000;">shame</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">not</span> <span style="color: magenta;">bottling it up</span>. <br />
<br />I wanted to respond to another friend who said that in some sections of my <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">ADHD Guide for/by Artists</a> he kindof takes offense whenever it sounds ableist leaning because in parts it sounds like I provide '<span style="color: #990000;">solutions that work</span>', so that would mean that it's just that <span style="color: #990000;">you haven't tried it</span>, and therefore, it's kindof <span style="color: #990000;">your own fault </span>for being as <span style="color: magenta;">disabled</span> as you are. It's true that these sentiments can be a slippery slope of <span style="color: #990000;">shame</span> as opposed to being absolutely resolute in stating ’<span style="color: #990000;">this affliction</span> <span style="color: magenta;">isn't your fault</span>, you <span style="color: magenta;">didn’t do anything</span> to cause <span style="color: #990000;">it</span>, or to make <span style="color: #990000;">it</span> worse, or to deserve<span style="color: #990000;"> it</span>.'<br />
<br />
I'm familiar with feeling offended by well-meaning advice...<br />
<br />
"Isn't it enough to <span style="color: magenta;">be mediocre?</span>" "<span style="color: #990000;">Aren't you</span> <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #990000;">enough?</span></span></span>" "Do you <span style="color: #990000;">have to call it</span> <span style="color: magenta;">Art?</span>" "Do you <span style="color: #990000;">have to be</span> an <span style="color: magenta;">Artist?</span>" This was the latest advice I received in the path towards <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>, and frankly, my problem with all of those sentiments is that, I'm not quite sure that those are the <span style="color: #990000;">problems/solutions</span>, but also on a more fundamental level... <span style="color: #990000;">How exactly</span>? <br />
<br />
No one seems to tell me how that all turned out when they themselves took that advice to just <span style="color: magenta;">give up</span> being an artist.<br />
<br />
I mean... it's one of the reasons I wanted to <i>Be</i> an artist, it seemed fantastic that people tend to leave you alone and you get to get away with <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>! Conversely... maybe (American) artists live on the edge of a <span style="color: #990000;">dangerously opportunistic/Capitalist lifestyle</span>, where every waking moment is in the service of 'making art'... and so they need to be reminded that <span style="color: magenta;">art isn't everything, they are not their jobs, chill the fuck out</span>.</div>
<div>
<br />
But it wouldn't be a surprise if I'm very resistant to <span style="color: magenta;">the idea</span> regardless of my <span style="color: #990000;">neurotic tendencies to be a</span> <span style="color: #990000;">busy body</span>. <a href="https://www.evernote.com/shard/s26/sh/e4d4ec1a-2bbf-4c05-88fb-66865b2bc892/9505a7a11f830fea18efa869262a819c">According to a study on football/soccer goalies</a>, the idea of '<span style="color: magenta;">Wait for it...</span>' is too much to handle in the high pressure moment of a penalty kick, which is not too dissimilar from the '<span style="color: magenta;">Don't Panic! Just</span> <span style="color: magenta;">wait it out</span>'
advice that stock brokers tell investors when stocks plunge. <i>Even if </i>everyone is aware of the statistics that <span style="color: magenta;">not jumping to conclusions </span>fares far better over impulsively <span style="color: #990000;">winging it</span>, at least according to that study, we irrationally prefer <span style="color: #990000;">acting</span> blindly than to <span style="color: magenta;">not act</span> in ALL manners of business.<br />
<br />
I think Capitalism wires us to only practice <span style="color: #990000;">'doing things'</span> so that even<span style="color: magenta;"> 'taking a break'</span> is only in the service of <span style="color: #990000;">'doing more things... later'</span>. It makes us forget that <span style="color: magenta;">'Doing Nothing'</span>, is an option, it makes us forget that we actually need to practice<span style="color: magenta;"> 'Doing Nothing'</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-II1-11Wwt5Q/XrulCbo3RxI/AAAAAAAAMbQ/Tqfu31A6EBYS4s3INXdSMG16IOljNpKKQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Do%2Bnothing.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1389" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-II1-11Wwt5Q/XrulCbo3RxI/AAAAAAAAMbQ/Tqfu31A6EBYS4s3INXdSMG16IOljNpKKQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Do%2Bnothing.jpg" width="460" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">[The
image is a hastily made Bingo sheet that reads "<span style="color: #d52c1f;">Anti-Capitalist BINGO!!</span>
(During the quarantine) and less than half of the bingo squares say some form of <span style="color: #9c27b0;">'</span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #9c27b0;"><span style="color: magenta;">Do Nothing</span>'</span>.]</span> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Artist consultant, Beth Pickens says that we can give
ourselves a break for the first <span style="color: magenta;">unconscious</span> reaction/thought that pops into our head, but we
are responsible for our <span style="color: #990000;">second thought</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">our first action</span>; and that
'<span style="color: magenta;">Doing Nothing</span>' (for better or worse) is also very much <span style="color: #990000;">an action</span>. <br />
<br />
And so maybe it's important that we explicitly get told to <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span>. There's lots of stuff that my therapists say to me that I forget. I probably would forget to '<span style="color: magenta;">Do Nothing' </span>unless someone repeatedly reminded me, 'hey don't forget to feel sad', and when in doubt, <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u><span style="font-size: medium;">1. Being given the task to <span style="color: magenta;">‘Do Nothing'</span></span></u></b><br />
<br />
I thought I already liked doing <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, but if I compare it to something like <span style="color: magenta;">'not taking a photo'</span> so that I'm '<span style="color: magenta;">more present</span>', then my enjoyment of <span style="color: #990000;">revisiting <span style="color: black;">a moment via </span></span>photos is all of a sudden 'a neurotic coping strategy'.<br />
(And <span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">I'm <i>probably </i>going to</span> keep taking photos</span>, because my memory is terrible, so either I might stress out about forgetting something, or I might <span style="color: #990000;">stress out</span> about how difficult it is for me <span style="color: #990000;">to function </span>without a prosthesis.) Reassuringly, as one friend put it, 'we all have different versions of <span style="color: magenta;">relaxing</span>.'<br />
<br />
But there are versions of '<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>' that are easily appealing; for one, preparing an <span style="color: magenta;">empty shelf</span>, so that it can become a safe space for things <span style="color: #990000;">to go</span>.<span style="color: magenta;"> 'Doing Nothing'</span> actually sounds very similar to two sentiments I currently like that also sets a very low bar for existence:
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Before Covid-19: “Your only job is to feel things” (one of my therapists)
</div>
<div>
After Covid-19: “All you have to do is NOT get Coronavirus” (from a friend)
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The<span style="color: magenta;"> ’Nothing’</span> in these times can be assumed to be the opposite of any other kind of <span style="color: #990000;">career advancement</span>, or <span style="color: #990000;">tackling 'important things'</span> that you haven't had the time for. And the advice is specifically in the context of mental health and how different people are taking on self-care.
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's easier for me to start with looking at <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span> as a skeptic, and I want to look around the concept of <span style="color: magenta;">‘Doing Nothing’ </span>to see if there is actually something holding up the <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>?
Because y'know... what if <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing' <span style="color: black;">is a big ol scam and there actually <i>is </i>something, like the opposite of the emperors new clothes...</span></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bfddHhzb5yc/Xr5E9DG_5BI/AAAAAAAAMeE/9JNQGAg8xSIlIGO-z5505O96rmvNXAMuQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/climatesummitnothing.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="761" data-original-width="1140" height="425" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bfddHhzb5yc/Xr5E9DG_5BI/AAAAAAAAMeE/9JNQGAg8xSIlIGO-z5505O96rmvNXAMuQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/climatesummitnothing.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[image of an angry older white guy speaking up at a climate summit saying 'what if it's a big hoax and we create a better world for nothing? Note to self: finally watch that controversial Michael Moore produced film...]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I have these 2... ‘assumptions’... The first is that to gain accessibility to this wonderful world of <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> one has to accept a kind of anti-faith/hope, and secondly that <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> is all in the delivery, so there’s probably quite a bit that makes <span style="color: magenta;">'the nothing'</span>... a <span style="color: #990000;"><i>thing</i></span>. But it makes sense to start with: Who is giving <span style="color: magenta;">the task?</span> and who is receiving <span style="color: magenta;">the task?</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
{Assumption A.} Perhaps once given the assignment, it is given knowing that it’s impossible to actually <span style="color: magenta;"><i>do</i> nothing</span>, it’s all one big thought experiment.</div>
<div>
We also can’t just immediately imagine <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span>, but somehow we understand each other implicitly when we refer to <span style="color: magenta;">it</span>. We might not be able to agree on what 'God' is, but you know we'd be on the same page if you asked me, 'well what do you think happens <span style="color: magenta;">after we die</span>?' and I respond, "uh, <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>." There may be a difference in opinion, but at least there's no arguing over semantics.<br />
<br />
In the movie 'NeverEnding Story', <span style="color: magenta;">'The Nothing'</span> is the villain, a parasite and it made Atreyu’s eyes hurt when he tried to glance at <span style="color: magenta;">it</span>, but because Atreyu couldn’t comprehend <span style="color: magenta;">it</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">it</span> made his brain hurt.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Tangent: For some reason I also want to tell you that<span style="color: magenta;"> ‘Nothing' </span>doesn’t actually have a time-frame. I assumed that like the ‘Neverending Story’, <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>
would have the connotation of being forever, but not even the word
‘Chronic’ means forever, it can also mean: ‘for a very long time’. Being able to do <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing'</span> might just mean being able <span style="color: magenta;">to just 'be'</span>, being able to do <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> might be disappointingly temporary.</i></blockquote>
</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHE8wFi9o6M/XsAfoBEdNmI/AAAAAAAAMfc/FrZNdbyCuuIh-bOEDhdzmAEzmiGq_06_wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/experiencesInNothing.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="721" data-original-width="960" height="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHE8wFi9o6M/XsAfoBEdNmI/AAAAAAAAMfc/FrZNdbyCuuIh-bOEDhdzmAEzmiGq_06_wCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/experiencesInNothing.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image from a Calvin and Hobbes strip, where I mostly wanted to highlight the line that Hobbes says: "If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? But then it just felt wrong to take Bill Waterson's words out of context because Calvin immediately follows it up with a statement about privilege: "I like to have everything so good I can take it all for granted." </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>, like being bored, feels mundane but what if it's half of reality?</div>
<div>
<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing </span>could mean <span style="color: magenta;">“zero”</span>, which was a huge useful revelation when it was invented as a tool (in particular as a binary in <span style="color: magenta;">0</span>1<span style="color: magenta;">0</span>11<span style="color: magenta;">0</span>111). Most people use <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span> in a dismissive way, to mean that <span style="color: magenta;">it is of no value</span>, and <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> is also defined by being <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: magenta;">not a ’Thing’</span></span>, or I may use it to throw you off the scent of vulnerability when you ask me: Is anything wrong? And I snap out of it and reply, what? no... no... <span style="color: magenta;">it's nothing</span><span style="color: magenta;">...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing </span>is most profound when we're talking about FEELINGS.</div>
<div>
Conversely, in both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Radiohead’s song ‘<i>There There. (The Boney King of Nowhere.)</i>' both try to remind people that Feelings are <span style="color: magenta;">not exactly a ‘Thing’</span> (such as actions and behaviors) but it’s not <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> either, it just <span style="color: magenta;">not something</span> that anyone else can perceive but you, and also ones feelings alone can lead to unintended consequences.<br />
<br />
Letting just one kind of feeling rein supreme is problematic as presented by neuroscientists vis-a-vis the movie ‘<a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/inside_out_2015">Inside Out</a>’ and trying to get away from feeling will only make it seem scarier to face, like in the movie ’<a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_babadook">The Babadook</a>’ (spoiler alert) where you never actually part with it, but you learn from it, even feed it, and become responsible for it.<br />
<br />
I’ve also heard it said in another way, in the book ‘<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24453082-big-magic">Big Magic</a>’ you don’t let fear take over and drive the car, when they’re really only meant to be a passenger. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Sorry another tangent, I'm super intrigued by the passenger metaphor that I heard about from 'Big Magic'. Sometimes it feels like medications put a muzzle or a gag on this passengers mouth. Really, the intensity of the passenger is different for everyone, but personally I can’t imagine a 'Feeling' screaming its head off constantly 24/7, so i’d also appreciate some kind of moderation. </i></blockquote>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Feeling <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> always sounds dangerous.<br />
<br />
Feelings not only help us navigate the world, call out to bring others to our aid, give us intuition, and give us information to work with; it’s also the very thing that gives Quality to life.<br />
<br />
We also tend to judge what life is worth respecting whether we perceive it to have feelings or not...<br />
<br />
The <span style="color: magenta;">loss of feeling</span> could mean someone is in shock, or they're numb, but it could also be much much worse. <span style="color: magenta;">It</span> is also the basis for a sociopath, being unable to curb the impulsiveness of hurting oneself or others.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I feel like if I was smarter I'd put in some kind of reference to Lakoff's 'Metaphors We Live By' or Erving Goffman's 'Frame Analysis', but it's kindof fun to just talk about <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> haphazardly. It's reminscent of '<span style="color: magenta;">giving no fucks</span>.'</span><br />
<br />
I think it’s strange that people are more comfortable doing things due to a ‘feeling’ rather than doing things <span style="color: magenta;">‘for no reason’</span>, for <span style="color: magenta;">‘nothing’</span>. Perhaps it's fun because I optimistically think I can always find something of value out of supposedly something that was<span style="color: magenta;"> nothing</span>. Much like the imagination, <span style="color: magenta;">it</span> has limitless added value considering that it starts from a seed of <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>. I also find it a silly that people don’t value ‘dreams’ and consider them merely along the lines of a ‘fantasy’ rather than ‘magic', a narrow way of considering the fullness of reality. And for those who only consider reality as something <span style="color: #990000;">tactile</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">that </span>strikes me as the mindset of a consumer rather than an inventor, where things simply already exist, and mostly for their pleasure. An inventor gets two things from <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>! Not only do they get to <span style="color: #990000;">be the conduit</span> for <span style="color: #990000;">putting something out into the world</span> that <span style="color: magenta;">didn't exist</span>, but there is flow, joy, MAGIC, in having witnessed <span style="color: #990000;">the distance taken</span> between something starting as <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> and being turned into <span style="color: #990000;">something</span>. (Although now that I hear myself say it, it just sounds <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalistic again</span>... Ughhh) </div>
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Maybe <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span> is the catchier, Zen way of saying <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;">“</span>Do you notice that <span style="color: #990000;">you keep doing this thing?</span> <span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #990000;">It's obviously unhealthy</span>,</span> <span style="color: black;">so uh, </span>maybe Don’t do <span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: red;"><i>That</i></span></span>.<span style="color: black;">”</span></span><br />
<br />
I know i’ve been scolded for something I had no idea that I was doing, but in adulthood, <span style="color: #990000;">‘<i>That</i>’</span>, is our <span style="color: #990000;">unconscious coping mechanisms</span> (such as <span style="color: #990000;">working very very hard</span>) that we’ve brought from <span style="color: #990000;">its </span>usefulness in childhood to get by. But now in more contexts it becomes <span style="color: #990000;">this inflexible totem</span> into adulthood that <i>(in the words of many a therapist)</i>, ’may<span style="color: magenta;"> no longer </span><span style="color: #990000;">serve you</span>’. <span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">'<span style="color: #990000;"><i>That</i></span>'</span></span> which we do unconsciously <span style="color: #990000;">to avoid feeling painful things</span>, or perhaps <span style="color: #990000;">we can't help but do </span>'<i><span style="color: #990000;">That</span></i>' even as it <span style="color: #990000;">throws us directly into the oncoming traffic</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">re-triggering something traumatic</span>.<br />
<br />
So instead of trying to <span style="color: magenta;">Not do</span> <span style="color: #990000;">“<i>That</i>”</span> which psychologically we know is impossible to <i>not</i> do, one is tasked with re-considering the automatic-ness of how we may return to "<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><i>That</i></span></span>" time and again; and <span style="color: #990000;">let's switch it up</span>, and <span style="color: #990000;">try this brand new unopened</span> <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing' <span style="color: black;">instead.</span></span>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Some deceivingly simple language has the ability to override <span style="color: #990000;">overthinking</span>, passing into our unconscious unnoticed, especially to those who are eager for a challenge (again <span style="color: #990000;">working hard, being productive</span> <span style="color: #990000;">in order to avoid</span><span style="color: #990000;"> <span style="color: magenta;">something else</span></span>.)
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<br /></div>
<div>
{Assumption B.} But I don’t think this is a prescription given to just anyone either, I think it’s specifically a challenge to those who constantly <span style="color: #990000;">have high expectations</span> and therefore constantly challenge themselves and have heard plenty of advice to ‘be less hard yourself’ ad nauseum, and it probably wasn't very effective.</div>
<div>
<br />
Maybe that sentiment assumes that the personality for whom this advice is particularly helpful, is for those who were <span style="color: #990000;">going to fail </span>and <span style="color: #990000;">work hard</span> anyways… so trying to be in the mindset of the paradox of<span style="color: magenta;"> ‘doing nothing’</span> may inadvertently trigger <span style="color: magenta;">existential reflection</span>, where the goal is to help someone <span style="color: magenta;">sit with their life </span>that continues to have<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;"> meaning, with stories that we tell ourselves, where plenty of interesting things <span style="color: magenta;">continue to happen</span> <span style="color: magenta;">without even trying</span>. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">i found a scrap of a note i left myself: </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">spiritual path</span><span style="font-size: large;"> =<span style="color: magenta;"> letting go of control</span>?</span><br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">Goals</span><span style="font-size: large;"> = <span style="color: #990000;">control</span>?</span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;">I
told a therapist that my plan was to have a joyful art practice based on
<span style="color: magenta;">serendipity</span>, he really didn't like that... he said something about me not being grounded in reality and some story about an ant and a grasshopper, but I will admit that perhaps I'm just discounting
all the things I've actually worked hard to put in place... or I probably just <span style="color: magenta;">forgot</span> that I applied in the first place... Maybe <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing </span>is the only time we ever have to realize what it is that we do/have done?</span></span><br />
<br />
- - -<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
As soon as the stay-at-home orders changed my life, I tried to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span>, and all I could do was notice was how<span style="color: #990000;"> I </span><span style="color: #990000;">kept doing something</span>, kept breathing, <span style="color: #990000;">kept thinking</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">kept fucking up</span> <span style="color: magenta;">not doing anything</span>…<br />
<br />
One of the ways I figured I was depressed, is how often<span style="color: magenta;"> I </span><span style="color: magenta;">think about not wanting to <span style="color: #990000;">leave any legacy</span></span>, not wanting to make any commitment too big. And I would think of it like a virtue, kindof like when you see a sign that says '<span style="color: #990000;">take</span> <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">leave nothing</span>' at the beginning of a nature trail... I thought it was very 'buddhist' of me, except I don't meditate like a 'buddhist', it's so so hard for me to get around to it...<br />
<br />
Maybe because the whole idea of a <span style="color: #990000;">leaving something behind, a legacy</span>, feels embarrassingly<span style="color: #990000;"> patronizing</span>, but it does go <span style="color: magenta;">deeper</span> (sadder) than <span style="color: #990000;">that</span> for me. I'm beginning to admit that I have a fear of not being able to adequately maintain success, and the fear is debilitating. I'm just starting to question<span style="color: #990000;"> this</span> because I'm working on <span style="color: magenta;">feeling</span> it out; when I think I'm <span style="color: #990000;">taking up too much space</span>. <br />
<br />
This is how far I've gotten so far: I'm open to creating some thoughtful ripples and <span style="color: magenta;">immaterial <span style="color: black;">things. My ideas </span></span>aren't just <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>; they reflect <span style="color: #990000;">values </span>that<span style="color: #990000;"> I </span><span style="color: #990000;">live by<span style="color: black;">.</span></span> It just <i>happens</i> that <i>sometimes</i> these values leave a<span style="color: #990000;"> legacy</span>, which I <span style="color: magenta;">wouldn't have any control over anyways</span>, so maybe I should think of it like... I'm <span style="color: #990000;">getting a little ahead of myself</span>.<br />
<br />
One friend said that to get past 'artist block' she just imagines that no one cares, and that would ease the anxiety of it for her. But because there are moments where I <span style="color: #990000;">so sincerely care</span>, it's hard for me to <span style="color: magenta;">imagine No One</span> <span style="color: #990000;">caring</span>...</div>
<div>
<br />
- - -<br />
<br />
In the NAVEL assembly <a href="http://ari.fyi/queering-death">Queering Death</a>, Ari held a 'Spiritual Will (aka a <span style="color: magenta;">non-material </span>will)
Writing Workshop' that is purposely not a legal will that passes down
ones <span style="color: #990000;">finances/holdings/possessions</span>. "Instead a Spiritual Will could
express appreciation to those who are significant to you, or have
brought particular joy, pleasure, and memories. It's an opportunity to
express love, regrets, apologies, forgiveness; it could be a way to
share your spiritual autobiography. <br />
How did you decide what you believe?
How does your life reflect those beliefs? It tells the story of your
life: Who are you?, how you lived, who you loved, what you want people
to understand about you. [It can be used to] collect and pass on your
family history, articulate particular wishes about what happens to you <span style="color: magenta;">as and after you pass</span>, articulate particular wishes for what will happen to people you love or are survived by. And really it <span style="color: #990000;">bequeaths</span> <span style="color: magenta;">values not valuables</span>."
This practice is more inclusive of people and kinships (not just hetero-normative families) and it
takes death rituals very seriously, thankfully not solely in <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalist terms</span>. He also offers
that we can always share this while we're alive, not just when <span style="color: magenta;">we're gone</span>. So that's what we did.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DCQunOuMKmI/Xr3y7n94wCI/AAAAAAAAMck/5rt-1S0haxA3ZWqqgNaPKcQGHL8rnmttACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/EthicalWill.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="974" data-original-width="744" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DCQunOuMKmI/Xr3y7n94wCI/AAAAAAAAMck/5rt-1S0haxA3ZWqqgNaPKcQGHL8rnmttACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/EthicalWill.jpg" width="488" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Are you Jewish? Then that responsibility to pass on values may have sounded a whole lot like an ethical will, which I'm pretty sure it is. The whole workshop mostly felt like a memoir writing workshop, but it did bring up particular stories that it seemed like very many of us had never told or even written down...]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div>
But also a lot of good therapists help people like me to remember that monstrously difficult issues can be broken down into smaller, definable, manageable steps, like A --> B --> C --> D.</div>
<div>
'<span style="color: magenta;">Noticing</span>' is always seems to be the first step, so let’s say <span style="background-color: white;">that <span style="color: magenta;">Noticing</span> </span>things represents getting from A <span style="color: magenta;">--></span> B. <span style="font-size: large;">I think '<span style="color: magenta;">Noticing' </span>and <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span> are meant to go hand in hand.</span></div>
<div>
<br />
But for the past two years it was starting to frustrate me that I feel like I’ve been stuck at step B for a very long time. (Josh Korda says that talk therapy takes about 7 years to reach a secure attachment style...) And that eventually i’ll <span style="color: #990000;">discover over time</span> that my disappointment in everything will feel alright… that being at B is <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #990000;">enough</span></span></span>, because perhaps <span style="color: magenta;">there isn't more </span>to life than that. <i>[Insert British/European pessimism about rising up in one's social class here.]</i><br />
<br />
But some friends said things to me recently that helped me understand that there is <span style="color: #990000;">more</span> beyond B and <span style="color: magenta;">how to get there</span>. (Sorry, not sorry <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>, But I <span style="color: #990000;">want to try and fail</span>!)<br />
<br />
For <span style="color: magenta;">no good reason</span> I <span style="color: #990000;">keep aspiring to do things like art</span> (but I have imposter syndrome so its complicated) and <span style="color: #990000;">when I begrudgingly do it</span>, it's a <span style="color: magenta;">surprise</span> when I keep getting propelled forward. In 'Your Art Will Save Your Life', Beth Pickens calls this strategy: 'Taking a Contrary Action.' and it is one of the weirdest placebos that has ever <span style="color: #990000;">worked <span style="color: black;">for me</span></span>. <br />
<br />
But it's still left me feeling<span style="color: magenta;"> incomplete </span>because essentially it feels like <span style="color: magenta;">sleepwalking</span>; <span style="color: magenta;">just putting down one foot then the other</span>. It means that life has felt like something that <span style="color: #990000;">happens</span> to me, not <span style="color: #990000;">that</span><span style="color: #990000;"> I </span><span style="color: #990000;">really live it</span>.</div>
<div>
<br />
Now taking that new step from B --> C, I think that verb that I hadn't comprehended before is <span style="color: #990000;">to ‘Know’ why you wanted something in the first place</span>, it is the <span style="color: #990000;">‘why’</span> of A-B-C<span style="color: #990000;">-</span><span style="color: #990000;">D</span>. The reason could dawn on you like <span style="color: magenta;">an epiphany</span>, or it could be remembering why you started in the first place, but it's <span style="color: #990000;">all about </span>You in this moment <span style="color: #990000;">taking charge</span>! No one can <span style="color: #990000;">do</span> any of these <span style="color: #990000;">steps for</span> you, but it’s especially true in terms of <span style="color: #990000;">finding the courage to respect yourself enough</span> to go from B --> C.
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
An actual recent conversation:
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
Me: “Hi friend, I’m finally on unemployment but I either keep working or I feel guilty (about <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>), honestly i’d love any advice"
</div>
<div>
<br />
Friend 3: “oh sweetie… idk, <span style="color: #990000;">gotta </span><span style="color: magenta;">look inside</span> <span style="color: magenta;">yourself </span>for<span style="color: magenta;"> that</span>."
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<br /></div>
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</blockquote>
Another recent conversation:
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
Me: “I’ve noticed that I’m<span style="color: magenta;"> not doing </span>any of these <span style="color: #990000;">things </span>I know I’m <span style="color: #990000;">supposed to do</span>; like <span style="color: magenta;">meditate</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">contact</span> this A-I-R, <span style="color: #990000;">contact</span> the airline, the <span style="color: #990000;">deadlines</span> are coming up so soon and I don’t know how to make a <span style="color: #990000;">decision</span>” <br />
(So speaking of <span style="color: #990000;">making a Decision</span>, I should've started off with saying that that's the "<span style="color: #990000;">D</span>" in the whole A --> B --> C --> D example. It also could mean “<span style="color: #990000;">Do/Done/Did</span>”, <span style="color: #990000;">that</span> <span style="color: #990000;">action</span>.)
</div>
<div>
<br />
Friend : <span style="font-size: large;">“I’ve noticed that one of my coping strategies is to wait<span style="color: magenta;"> (do nothing) </span>and in retrospect I always wish I had <span style="color: #990000;">acted</span> sooner,</span> but rather than <span style="color: #990000;">try</span> to <span style="color: #990000;">make</span> a rash decision, maybe first <span style="color: #990000;">contact </span>the A-I-R so that they can help you make that <span style="color: #990000;">decision</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">ask </span>them to find out who else is going, because it sounds like it’s important to you to be around other people, maybe <span style="color: #990000;">see</span> how many other people are going, and if you can<span style="color: #990000;"> get</span> their contact info to <span style="color: #990000;">talk</span> with them to <span style="color: #990000;">find out</span> their <span style="color: #990000;">plans </span>to help you make a <span style="color: #990000;">decision</span>?”<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Friend 2: “Hmm… maybe instead of thinking about <span style="color: #990000;">what you still have to do</span>, can you turn it around so that you can <span style="color: magenta;">get them to</span> meet your demands? Like, even if I know that I’m the one who is ultimately going to <span style="color: #990000;">have to make a decision</span> at the last minute, there’s this way I can figure out how to make <span style="color: #990000;">something</span> seem like it was their idea even including <span style="color: magenta;">waiting until the last minute</span>. It sounds like you’re more<span style="color: #990000;"> worried</span> about what information you <span style="color: #990000;">have to give</span> them, so maybe how can you make it about <span style="color: #990000;">what you want</span>? </div>
</blockquote>
[Note: <i>Usually</i> being told, just <span style="color: #990000;">do what You want to do</span>, makes my brain <span style="color: magenta;">freeze up</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">stop working</span>, but something about how I got this advice to contact the A-I-R from two different friends, <span style="color: #990000;">clicked</span> in my head in a different way.<br />
<br />
A strange <span style="color: magenta;">paradox</span> for me is that I intuitively trust my friends, but I don’t intuitively trust myself, ipso facto, their idea of a good time is now my idea of a good time. In retrospect, I have never regretted <span style="color: #990000;">taking</span> friends' <span style="color: #990000;">advice</span> (which sure, is really my own intuition to know who to trust, AND I'm still the one that has to <span style="color: #990000;">'do the thing'</span>.) I really do <span style="color: magenta;">believe</span> that I simply don’t know what’s fun until I am in the present in it with a friend, and that seems more than <span style="color: magenta;">enough</span>. Maybe I don't have to always feel bad about<span style="color: magenta;"> not knowing</span> <span style="color: #990000;">what I want</span>, maybe that's not actually a prerequisite to <span style="color: #990000;">living a fun and exciting life</span>?]
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So to re-iterate, B --> C usually involves re-orienting <span style="color: #990000;">things</span> so that opportunities are specifically <span style="color: #990000;"><i>For</i> </span>me, not simply <span style="color: #990000;">obstacles</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">problems </span>that are <span style="color: #990000;">affecting</span> me, nor something that's <span style="color: #990000;">for someone else/some external reason</span>. I can’t speak to whether or not there’s a healthy or unhealthy way to get through A<span style="color: magenta;">-</span>B-C<span style="color: #990000;">-D</span>-Repeat, but going from A --> <span style="color: #990000;">D</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">skipping</span> the<span style="color: #990000;"> personalization</span> of “why” and the <span style="color: #990000;">fore-thinking</span> towards “how”, going directly from <span style="color: #990000;">Wanting something</span> directly to the <span style="color: #990000;">Doing of the thing</span>, that’s going to look like you <span style="color: #990000;">did</span><span style="color: magenta;"> ‘nothing’ </span>to <span style="color: #990000;">make that happen</span>.<br />
<br />
As someone with Intention-Deficit-Disorder (ADHD) that <span style="color: #990000;">asks</span> <span style="color: #990000;">a LOT</span> of questions, this is how non-adhd people look to me. And maybe it is <span style="color: magenta;">automatic</span> like <span style="color: magenta;">breathing, shitting</span> and <span style="color: magenta;">sleeping</span>. I might <span style="color: #990000;">worry my head off </span>going from B-->C -->B-->A-->C-->B but in some cases "<span style="color: #990000;">D</span>" just happens <span style="color: magenta;">involuntarily over time</span>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And so back to <span style="color: magenta;">“Nothing”</span> that the ‘doctor’ has ordered, it has everything to do with <span style="color: magenta;">Being yourself</span>.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I also re-visited Adrienne Maree Brown's 'Emergent
Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds' and the page I happened to be looking at was chock full of
glorious references to <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing'</span>, so to celebrate I made this weird spinning GIF!</i></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Nfd5YvBtseY/XsTlsbkazoI/AAAAAAAAMgY/H5ChowrIa58QPBSRy2zPYzrnUoHrChHxgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Spinning-Nothing-in-Emergent-Strategies.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="425" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Nfd5YvBtseY/XsTlsbkazoI/AAAAAAAAMgY/H5ChowrIa58QPBSRy2zPYzrnUoHrChHxgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Spinning-Nothing-in-Emergent-Strategies.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Moving
GIF that says 'Possible references to 'Nothing' in Emergent
Strategies by Adrienne Maree Brown (and just from the pages 108 &
109!: resilience, humility, to be ready for you when you find me,
staring at the truth in numb silence, an absence of theory, abandonment,
nature and death, a space to not say a word, a non-linear spell,
remember you are water, time, more time, and then more time, heartbeat
in your ears, part of a balance of choice and not having to choose] </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
When <span style="color: magenta;">it</span> works, it's a huge relief. Sometimes it's more than just a relief. In the spirit of Adrienne Maree Brown's second book, the Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good, I think it's worth describing things in terms of sex.<br />
<br />
Like being tied up BDSM style and the Dom says, ‘Feel that? I’ve tied you up good, now you can’t do anything. Stay there, and <span style="color: magenta;">do Nothing</span>.” and for a lot of control-freaks, <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> could be hotter. A bottom whimpers to get fucked, but it seems that no one ever asks, “During the Revolution, who is going to be <span style="color: #990000;">the Top</span> if everyone is <span style="color: magenta;">a bottom</span>?” Which is to say, who is going to be doing<span style="color: #990000;"> the fucking work</span>?
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I think there's is a subtext to all of this <span style="color: magenta;">treatment</span>, being allowed to <span style="color: magenta;">“Do Nothing”</span>,<span style="color: #990000;"> <span style="color: black;">and</span> paying</span> someone something, <span style="color: #990000;">showing up</span> to something in order to be <span style="color: #990000;">told</span> to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span> and have it sink in.<br />
A lot of it seems like placebos or a ceding of authority, as for some people it <span style="color: #990000;">WORKS </span>but the essence of <span style="color: magenta;">a placebo</span> is that <span style="color: magenta;">it is nothing <span style="color: #990000;">that actually seems to do something</span> </span>(and obviously for some it <span style="color: magenta;">does nothing</span> so they probably don't care much that it doesn't work for someone else if it doesn't work for them...) But back to the sex metaphors, when someone fakes out a giant cracking whip to your ass, there's nothing more real and important than that surge of anticipation. Also if you never stopped getting whipped, you'd never be able to enjoy the lingering of the sting, so again, <span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">'Nothing happening'</span><span style="font-size: large;"> is <span style="color: magenta;">feeling happening</span>.</span><br />
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Authority is a trip... a... Power Trip? Haha jk jk, for reals though, I wonder if it's because I wish I had grown up with consistent responsibility via rules that I yearn for a kind of authority that everything is going to be ok? At the same time, 'Church' has NEVER been appealing, and instead I have always felt suspicious of people who claim 'to know' <i>(a possibly unhealthy source of my skepticism? Or is that healthy critical thinking?)</i><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-meXY28pnM18/Xr7jgP39QyI/AAAAAAAAMeQ/DTugP6zew0cq5LQLKzrmEReCuPBWJr_BACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/at%2Bthis%2Bpoint%2Bim%2Btoo%2Bafraid%2Bto%2Bask.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="481" data-original-width="490" height="391" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-meXY28pnM18/Xr7jgP39QyI/AAAAAAAAMeQ/DTugP6zew0cq5LQLKzrmEReCuPBWJr_BACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/at%2Bthis%2Bpoint%2Bim%2Btoo%2Bafraid%2Bto%2Bask.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image of a meme that always ends with Andy from Parks and Rec saying "and at this point I'm too afraid to ask" so my sad dark humor version says "I didn't get the kind of love I needed as a kid, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask." But considering the context of <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, therapy says we're meant to <span style="color: magenta;">give up</span>, and <span style="color: #990000;">figure out how to move on</span>.] </td></tr>
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Therapy requires trust in the positive relationship between Therapist and Patient. If all someone is supposed to <span style="color: #990000;">“Do”</span> is <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, then it can be assumed that one has <span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #990000;">done</span> </span>more than <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="background-color: white;">enough </span></span><span style="color: black;">already</span></span>, or that there is <span style="color: magenta;">nothing more</span> one can <span style="color: #990000;">do</span>. <br />
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The side effect of the prescription of <span style="color: magenta;">'Doing Nothing' </span>is that one has to <span style="color: magenta;">unconsciously sit with the idea</span> that someone (the therapist for one) thinks you’re <span style="color: magenta;">good enough</span>, even if you <span style="color: #990000;">don’t think</span> you’re <span style="color: magenta;">good enough</span>, that your values alone mean that you can be <span style="color: magenta;">left alone</span> with this <span style="color: magenta;">sole task</span>, and that you have the <span style="color: #990000;">strength</span> to be <span style="color: #990000;">able</span> to <span style="color: magenta;">"Do Nothing"</span>, that may be <span style="color: #990000;">quite a feat</span>. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>The same friend who was tasked to <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing' </span>spoke of a clever twist on getting frustrated during <span style="color: magenta;">meditation</span> when being distracted by a thought: instead of being like 'damn, I broke concentration getting <span style="color: #990000;">distracted</span> by this <span style="color: #990000;">thought'</span>, instead you can actually say to yourself, '<span style="color: magenta;">Good Job</span> for noticing a thought'. Every time your attention drifts, you can just keep on congratulating yourself every time, because you really are <span style="color: magenta;">noticing it</span>, it's not just some positivity angle.</i></blockquote>
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And that Therapist, they also wouldn’t want to take <span style="color: magenta;">that self-loving process</span> away from you, so it’s best that they themselves, the therapist, do <span style="color: magenta;">“nothing” </span>more in explaining how you’re going to pull off a whole lot of <span style="color: magenta;">“doing nothing”</span>.</div>
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I have also heard of other ways to “<span style="color: magenta;">Do Less</span>” rather than to do <span style="color: magenta;">“Nothing”</span> and it is helpful too. In a conversation about the unfortunate <span style="color: #990000;">toxic-ness </span>of <span style="color: #990000;">‘Shoulds’</span>, the sentiment “You <span style="color: #990000;">should</span> <span style="color: magenta;">Do Nothing</span>” betrays<span style="color: magenta;"> the whole sentiment</span>.<br />
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My therapist put <span style="color: #990000;">the pressure</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">'Shoulds'</span> this way: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Well, <span style="color: magenta;">you already know </span>you have <span style="color: #990000;">difficulty</span> <span style="color: #990000;">doing a thing</span>, or <span style="color: magenta;">you already know</span> that <span style="color: #990000;">doing something</span> is already pretty <span style="color: #990000;">hard</span>, so what good is <span style="color: #990000;">piling onto that</span>, reminding yourself that you’re <span style="color: magenta;">not doing enough</span> when <span style="color: magenta;">you already feel </span>like you’re <span style="color: magenta;">not doing enough</span>? Not only is it kindof redundant, but when has it ever made <span style="color: #990000;">getting the ’thing done’</span> any <span style="color: magenta;">easier</span>? Maybe the <span style="color: #990000;">pressure </span>of the <span style="color: #990000;">‘shoulds’</span> of it are what is <span style="color: magenta;">optional</span>, even if <span style="color: #990000;">the task itself</span> isn’t!" </blockquote>
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But alas the<span style="color: #990000;"> guilt</span> continues, for writing about doing <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, is also <span style="color: #990000;">not to do nothing</span>, so <span style="color: #990000;">you’d</span> <span style="color: #990000;">have to</span> take <span style="color: #990000;">anything I </span>say with <span style="color: magenta;">a grain of salt </span>as <span style="color: #990000;">large</span> as <span style="color: #990000;">this essay</span>. (and you're not even halfway?! I wouldn't blame if you if stopped and rather did nothing instead, or maybe I'll just say that was my intention allll along.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tTpcIAA4jio/Xr9WeYuSxmI/AAAAAAAAMfA/RCeR1-HMdGIse0tAz5ZE6d9ocL8prwfcACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/MachineResistance.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1219" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tTpcIAA4jio/Xr9WeYuSxmI/AAAAAAAAMfA/RCeR1-HMdGIse0tAz5ZE6d9ocL8prwfcACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/MachineResistance.jpg" width="484" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image of the photo I took of one of many Bread and Puppet posters that I cherish. This one has
bright orange flowers on it and reads 'RESISTANCE TO THE WORTHLESSNESS
OF THE MACHINE OPERATED DETAILS OF LIFE'. So succint, unlike this writing... They make so many
wonderful posters...]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Maybe I've got the tactic all wrong, that coming from the therapist... what if <span style="color: magenta;">it</span> was meant to be <span style="color: magenta;"><i>intentionally</i> frustrating</span>?</span><br />
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It's
hard to say that frustration is automatically a bad thing, in the same
way that I don't believe that happiness is automatically a good thing.
My therapist said something about helping parents build up '<span style="color: magenta;">Frustration Tolerance</span>' in kids and while describing that, <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span> came up again! My therapist basically tells parents. <span style="color: magenta;">'Get out of your kid's way'</span> and allow kids <span style="color: #990000;">to be mad</span>. <br />
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(I'm sure folk of the whole political spectrum can relate to <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;">'<span style="color: #990000;">X</span> </span>just needs to get out of the way<span style="color: black;">'</span> </span>as practically universal advice, maybe <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing </span>is whatever you need it to be? And it's already the perfect container to do such a thing.)<br />
<br />
So
the kid gets mad AND they to see that it's all part of the experience.
You could make all the accommodations in the world but what is essential
is that the parents' understand that their responsibility (<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #990000;">beyond</span> doing nothing</span>)
is to <span style="color: #990000;">create</span> a loving environment where their kid is <span style="color: #990000;">held accountable</span>
in a consistent, communicated way. And this is not actually about
discipline or policing, it's spoken a lot in <a href="https://youtu.be/yGOlNzaW7KA?t=237">ADHD management; that more responsibility, not less</a>, is empowering.<br />
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My therapist also mentioned that '<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>' comes up in a childrens book she loves (and when in college may have created a dance
entirely based on it) called "Hey Willie, See the Pyramids" by Maira Kalman.<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /> </span><br />
<blockquote>
<div data-adtags-visited="true" style="text-align: left;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><i>(Lulu's little younger brother) </i>“What is <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>?”</span> </div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div data-adtags-visited="true" style="text-align: left;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">“<span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span> is
when you are given a very small portion of ice cream by an adult, and
you look at the plate and at the adult and you ask for more and the
adult says <span style="color: #990000;">you have a huge portion</span> and you say, ‘That’s it? <span style="color: magenta;">That’s
nothing</span>.’ And <span style="color: magenta;">that</span> is <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>,” says Lulu.</span></div>
</blockquote>
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What i’m trying to say is that there’s plenty of irrational versions of what it means to <span style="color: magenta;">‘do nothing’</span>, but to live and to aspire to <span style="color: magenta;">“nothing”</span> isn’t one of them, that much is clear. <br />
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TLDR; The point of the task to <span style="color: magenta;">‘Do Nothing’</span> is <span style="color: magenta;">an attempt (a cerebral gift)</span> to reverse the <span style="color: #990000;">guilt </span>of <span style="color: #990000;">’not doing anything’</span> into <span style="color: magenta;">intentionally doing nothing</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">on your terms</span>, to <span style="color: #990000;">the best</span> of your ability. How much should you regard the <span style="color: #990000;">opinions of others</span> for what you are or are <span style="color: magenta;">not doing</span>? It should be close to <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #990000;">nothing</span></span> because it's one of the reasons we get into a mess in the first place. Maybe these nagging feelings are <span style="color: magenta;">a passenger</span> in your journey, but they’re not allowed <span style="color: #990000;">to drive</span>.
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The nice thing about <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span> as a form of advice is the gravity in which it operates. The harder you do <span style="color: magenta;">’nothing'</span>, either you exhaust what really <span style="color: #990000;">wasn’t truly ‘doing nothing’</span>, or you end up with <span style="color: magenta;">no greater reward other than yourself and your time</span>, or you forget what it was you were <span style="color: #990000;">supposed to be doing</span>, and then you remember, <span style="color: magenta;">‘Do nothing’</span>, and you <span style="color: magenta;">resume</span>.<br />
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If you <span style="color: #990000;">worry </span>about <span style="color: #990000;">not doing enough nothing</span> (which I do, and I define as <span style="color: magenta;">‘being in the present’</span>), you may realize that <span style="color: #990000;">the anxiety produced</span> is <span style="color: #990000;">something</span>, but not<span style="color: #990000;"> something</span> worth having, so in a choice between <span style="color: #990000;">anxiety</span> and <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>, you end up giving <span style="color: magenta;">‘Doing Nothing’ </span>another shot because hell, it was wayyy better than <span style="color: #990000;">a panic attack</span>. (it’s weird, because after <span style="color: #990000;">a panic attack</span>, sometimes I wonder to myself, what the hell was all <span style="color: #990000;">that</span> about? Now that i’ve cancelled <span style="color: #990000;">all immediate plans that were overwhelming</span> me, it was like I was <span style="color: #990000;">worrying</span> all about<span style="color: magenta;"> nothing…</span>)</div>
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Ok got it,<br />
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So <span style="color: magenta;">don’t do anything</span>,
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What about <span style="color: #990000;">showing up to therapy?
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What about <span style="color: #990000;">starting the arduous process of finding out if meds are helpful?
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What about<span style="color: #990000;"> questioning suicidal thoughts?</span>
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What about <span style="color: #990000;">taking responsibility?
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What about <span style="color: #990000;">trying different tactics to figure out if any of them makes one feel less crazy?
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What about <span style="color: #990000;">prioritizing and loving yourself? </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WRt6_3I7yt8/Xr385p7Ao6I/AAAAAAAAMdQ/YgMHCxXoCuENdEWqfieIvhwDD24DI4FbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/THIS.IS.FINE.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="346" data-original-width="703" height="196" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WRt6_3I7yt8/Xr385p7Ao6I/AAAAAAAAMdQ/YgMHCxXoCuENdEWqfieIvhwDD24DI4FbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/THIS.IS.FINE.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image of my favorite meme of all time, there's a dog surrounded by
flames, with a hat and a cup, and like a dolt he just says 'This is
Fine.']</td></tr>
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Rather than just call this out as 'Black & White' thinking, I think, again, it should be noted that it's real easy to point at cognitive distortions but not nearly as easy to work through it. Let's go back to the concept of early sobriety...<br />
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Did you hear about the AA meetings where members were <span style="color: #990000;">allowed to drink?
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Did you hear about the AA meetings where they would <span style="color: #990000;">bully newcomers?
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First off, can I just say how impressive it is that Alcoholics <span style="color: magenta;">Anonymous </span>is potentially one of the most successful and longest running forms of <span style="color: magenta;">Anarchism </span>in America? <i>(I know it's a powerful system. Everyone just <span style="color: #990000;">has to agree to show up</span>. Studies done on it have proven to be <span style="color: magenta;">impossible</span> due to its <span style="color: magenta;">anonymity </span>and not counting those that go because it’s court mandated.) </i>And also, there are 12 steps, but technically <span style="color: magenta;">no rules</span>! In the TV show '<a href="https://www.vogue.com/article/mae-martin-interview-feel-good-netflix">Feel Good</a>', the creator, Mae, tries to show that there is not a one-size fits all answer to addiction. But everyone tries together and many talk about the importance that someone in the program somewhere is available to connect to, 24/7.<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">No one</span> actually owns exclusive rights to, dictates, or watches over the various '_____ Anonymous' groups or meetings to rein them in for quality control. BUT! If the program is to be... more helpful than unhelpful, you could say that <span style="color: #990000;">two ground rules</span> may be a good idea, even if <span style="color: magenta;">they’re not explicitly written down</span>: <span style="color: #990000;">no drinking during AA meetings, no bullying people during AA meetings</span>.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">Doing nothing</span><span style="font-size: large;"> however free-form also has its limits. And <span style="color: #990000;">finding/discovering those limits</span>, might also be another part of why someone told you to do the <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="background-color: white;">anarchic</span></span> task of <span style="color: magenta;">‘Doing nothing'</span> in the first place. I think those two basic rules apply pretty well here too: no <span style="color: #990000;">doing things</span> and acting as if that counts as <span style="color: magenta;">'Doing Nothing'</span> and no <span style="color: #990000;">bullying yourself </span>or <span style="color: #990000;">others</span> in the name of <span style="color: magenta;">'Doing Nothing'</span>.</span></blockquote>
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At least for now, I know that my friend who told me to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span> is still doing nothing. (And <span style="color: magenta;">it’s</span> contagious! as i’ve also been telling people to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span> <span style="color: magenta;">as if I know what i’m talking about</span>). Specifically what he <span style="color: #990000;">has been doing </span>that constitutes as him <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing </span>is that he is <span style="color: #990000;">adamantly choosing to be</span><span style="color: magenta;"> unproductive</span> when guilty feelings may arise per the clear instructions. He is still <span style="color: #990000;">getting required tasks done</span> as they come, but mostly he’s playing animal crossing, playing with his dog, and reading a ton more about astrology.
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I look at these activities and I wonder, perhaps we have devalued 'Play’ and made it synonymous with doing <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing’</span>? The next radical thing I guess would be to value ‘Play’ insomuch that one can 'Queer' <span style="color: #990000;">‘Capitalist Work’</span> so that it's synonymous with <span style="color: magenta;">’Nothing.’</span><br />
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I think we’re almost already there, when anyone would ask me what <span style="color: #990000;">i’ve been up to </span>and I could barely remember doing <span style="color: #990000;">anything</span> other than<span style="color: #990000;"> my desk job</span>, i’d reply, ‘oh <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> really’.<br />
If you were to ask me why i’m not<span style="color: #990000;"> pursuing my ideal job</span>, i’d probably reply, “<span style="color: #990000;">you’re right</span>, and I don’t really want to be stuck just <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing <span style="color: black;">with my life</span></span>” And i’m sure i’m not the only one.<br />
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(Sidenote: I did have a professor at MSU that said the <span style="color: #990000;">worst thing </span>you could do is <span style="color: #990000;">get your dream job.</span> He LOVED the movie 'The Matrix', so you may be able to fill in the context of what he meant.)<br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><u>2. Taking on<span style="color: magenta;"> 'Do Nothing</span>’ as a <span style="color: magenta;">radical task</span>, (as in throwing a wrench into <span style="color: #990000;">the gears of the machine…</span>)</u></b></span></div>
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Being <span style="color: magenta;">anti-</span><span style="color: #990000;">work</span> is to be <span style="color: magenta;">anti-</span><span style="color: #990000;">shame</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">anti-</span><span style="color: #990000;">ableism</span>, and <span style="color: magenta;">anti-</span><span style="color: #990000;">Capitalist market value</span>.<br />
It is <span style="color: magenta;">resistance</span> so that <span style="color: #990000;">bad things</span> can't just <span style="color: #990000;">keep on going</span>. I kindof want to <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #990000;">push </span>back</span> on the possibly <span style="color: #990000;">ableist</span> idea that, '<span style="color: magenta;">Doing Nothing</span>' is a <span style="color: #990000;">choice</span>. It's very possible that being stuck in bed, '<span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>' is NOT a choice. That may be more of a degree of <span style="color: #990000;">privilege </span>and <span style="color: #990000;">awareness</span>, than of ability.</div>
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But before I go deeper into the politics of <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>, I also want to share a story about the known usefulness of<span style="color: magenta;"> nothing</span> as I came to understand it, coming from a background in art education.
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<span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing' </span>is also very much related to what I learned in art education, (in particular, <a href="https://vtshome.org/">*Visual Thinking Strategies</a>) that unless someone was <span style="color: #990000;">holding a gun to our head</span>, we can setup/facilitate/introduce an idea and its context, but otherwise what we <span style="color: #990000;">“doing”</span> as educators is to be encouraging, not being didactic, <span style="color: #990000;">being useful</span> <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
*VTS was meant to de-stigmatize the authority of the museum to encourage more local visitors even if that means radically ignoring all of the official labels as <span style="color: #990000;">'the only facts worth knowing'</span>, and to encourage <span style="color: magenta;">longer looking </span>as well as rationalizing/reasoning <span style="color: #990000;">skills:</span>
</div>
<div>
(<span style="color: magenta;">encouraging facilitation</span>) “Let’s take a moment to take a look at <span style="color: magenta;">this</span>”
</div>
<div>
(<span style="color: magenta;">encouraging facilitation</span>) “What’s going on in <span style="color: magenta;">this?</span>”
</div>
<div>
(encouraging response) “What do you see that makes you say that?”
</div>
<div>
(<span style="color: magenta;">encouraging facilitation</span>) “What else is going on in<span style="color: magenta;"> this?</span>” (until satisfied)
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And it does feel like one would have to go through <span style="color: #990000;">a good amount of education</span> in order to understand the good of teaching through <span style="color: magenta;">‘Doing Nothing’</span>. Many older docents were quite upset that they no longer could <span style="color: #990000;">extol their knowledge of the great Masters</span>, but instead under this new paradigm were required to <span style="color: magenta;">keep their knowledge to themselves</span>. So this <span style="color: #990000;">effective strategy</span> was not without a serious backlash.</div>
<div>
This makes complete sense if you think about the concept of, <span style="color: #990000;">"who is doing the thinking?”</span> because the more a teacher guides the thinking, or the breakdown from mind to hand to perhaps an external product, there is <span style="color: magenta;">no ‘reward’</span>. Therapists too have talked about how in some forms of meditation or psychoanalysis, the less talking, the more that a patient is presented with the hard reality that <span style="color: magenta;">‘there is no right way’</span> and when looking for <span style="color: #990000;">advice</span>, the <span style="color: #990000;">how-to guide</span>, the <span style="color: #990000;">best</span> teacher is… <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>. And yet <span style="color: #990000;">you begin</span> anyways.
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Influential teachers are <span style="color: #990000;">essentially teaching one thing</span>, that learning can be <span style="color: magenta;">fun</span>, exciting, (and we don’t say this out loud, but <span style="color: #990000;">potentially barrier breaking</span>, we don’t want to <span style="color: magenta;">jinx it</span>, nor let on to the state that that’s what we’re really doing). The <span style="color: #990000;">M.O. </span>is specifically to get students <span style="color: magenta;">excited about learning</span>, and the repercussions of that is a citizen who is <span style="color: magenta;">curious</span>, someone who knows what mastery feels like, and someone who will at some point <span style="color: #990000;">figure things out </span>either with the teacher’s voice in the back of their head, or <span style="color: magenta;">their own voice</span>.
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Providing <span style="color: magenta;">“Nothing” </span>when there is <span style="color: #990000;">definitely something</span>, is not as vague as <span style="color: magenta;">‘Do Nothing’</span>, it is a suggestive approach, which I think is similar to Rorschach tests/tarot cards. It’s probably <span style="color: #990000;">a good thing</span> that we don’t think we should take our<span style="color: magenta;"> dreams</span> as seriously as our conscious lived experience, that <span style="color: magenta;">we make unconscious associations <span style="color: black;">and </span>meaning</span>, because then we haven’t <span style="color: #990000;">totally suppressed</span> all of<span style="color: #990000;"> the information</span> we have within us. It’s just coming out <span style="color: magenta;">coded</span>, which<span style="color: #990000;"> camouflages itself</span> in <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">waiting </span>until one <span style="color: #990000;">is</span> <span style="color: #990000;">ready to make a change</span>.
</div>
<div>
<br />
- - -<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Another friend, Zach, told me that he plans on studying more eco-politics and he's a big fan of this farmer from Japan who created a '<span style="color: magenta;">No-Till</span>' farming method, also called 'the natural way of farming' and '<span style="color: magenta;">Do-Nothing</span> Farming'. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masanobu_Fukuoka">Masanobu Fukuoka</a> set out to prove that his crops can yield much more by <span style="color: magenta;">him doing nothing more and more </span>each year, and supposedly it worked!<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>But in a way, that's still aspiring for '<span style="color: #990000;">more</span>' in <span style="color: #990000;">a quantifiable way</span>, rather than question the concept of there always needing to be <span style="color: #990000;">more</span>... (or <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: magenta;">consuming less</span>)</span> which then probably becomes a pipeline problem (where you end up with <span style="color: #990000;">more waste</span> and using <span style="color: #990000;">more resources</span> rather than <span style="color: #990000;">actually solving a problem</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">energy</span>, or <span style="color: magenta;">hunger</span> etc. through<span style="color: #990000;"> increased production<span style="color: black;">.</span></span>) It seems that all that is <span style="color: #990000;">'worth doing'</span> is the kind of<span style="color: #990000;"> thing</span> that increases <span style="color: #990000;">someone's market value</span>. <span style="color: #990000;">So Capitalism</span> for the <span style="color: #990000;">win!</span></div>
<div>
<br />
- - -<br />
<br />
Now I want to talk about <span style="color: magenta;">'Doing Nothing’ </span>as a form of solidarity, like 'Buy <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing</span>’.
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://abillionpeople.org/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="480" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wY8Tr94gYgE/Xr3zhqxGJDI/AAAAAAAAMcw/FobclAyb_S4qXhN8ofFO-kBWgn7ufE4LACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/buy-nothing-day.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://abillionpeople.org/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IdR5jodRwss/Xr3z2XRW7PI/AAAAAAAAMc4/sEWRbRE34uYfQgJAMDKEzyeVtlKgQJnwgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/buy-nothing-day2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<a href="http://abillionpeople.org/"><br /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://abillionpeople.org/">[Images above are most likely from AdBusters, promoting November 29th as 'Buy Nothing' Day.]</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Taking <span style="color: magenta;">a break</span> is no easy <span style="color: #990000;">feat</span> not only because one assumes that one <span style="color: #990000;">'works' </span>through <span style="color: #990000;">problems</span> for better or worse, but in this <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalist</span> environment, <span style="color: #990000;">it's</span> a <span style="color: #990000;">fish</span> in <span style="color: magenta;">water</span>; where everywhere we look we're seen/valued/treated in terms of our labor, and <span style="color: #990000;">it's hard</span> <span style="color: magenta;">not to believe</span> <span style="color: #990000;">it</span>. I thought, maybe if I think about <span style="color: #990000;">Doing</span> from the curious angle of <span style="color: magenta;">'doing nothing'</span> maybe there is actually an <span style="color: #990000;">imperative</span> <span style="color: magenta;">to waste time</span>.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
What is a bit frustrating about the word <span style="color: #990000;">‘Work' </span>is that<span style="color: #990000;"> it </span>means a kind of <span style="color: #990000;">unfair</span> <span style="color: #990000;">toil</span> that we want to end, and at the same time, <span style="color: #990000;">‘Work’</span> is exactly the word for the kind of activity that gives us <span style="color: magenta;">meaning</span>. The actual process of <span style="color: #990000;">struggling through something</span> different is a <span style="color: magenta;">merit based quality</span> that many people eschew, but besides <span style="color: #990000;">external validation</span>, it’s also true in the sense of <span style="color: magenta;">intrinsic motivation</span>. <span style="color: #990000;">Mastery</span> is <span style="color: #990000;">something</span> that is <span style="color: #990000;">a bar that we set</span>, even if it’s<span style="color: #990000;"> established by others </span>(like the <span style="color: #990000;">canon of Great Masters</span>), it is <span style="color: #990000;">still something </span>that doesn’t begin and end at the same place. We feel better if we <span style="color: magenta;">believe</span> that <span style="color: #990000;">we’ve worked hard</span> at <span style="color: #990000;">something</span>, and feel <span style="color: #990000;">terrible</span> if we see <span style="color: magenta;">that process</span>, no matter how <span style="color: magenta;">flawed</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">thrown out</span>. We even now have studies that show that when exchanging <span style="color: #990000;">value</span> is involved, it is at best a <span style="color: magenta;">temporary</span> motivator. But their own studies do not encourage Behavior Economists to denounce <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalism</span>, rather they claim that we need <span style="color: #990000;">Better Capitalism</span>. One thing that perhaps they haven’t considered is that <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalism</span> may have <span style="color: magenta;">no greater plan</span> than to <span style="color: magenta;">reproduce itself regardless</span> if there are humans to enjoy the fruits of that labor. Inadvertently <span style="color: #990000;">Capitalism</span> may <span style="color: #990000;">extract </span>so much from the earth that it could potentially leave us humans with <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-sX-VPINR4/Xryr2SKivMI/AAAAAAAAMbw/cNeCIQmy2WEdwg_jcXEYXvbQXeLgfbFbACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Dan%2BAriely%2Bon%2Bincentives3.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="650" data-original-width="1000" height="416" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-sX-VPINR4/Xryr2SKivMI/AAAAAAAAMbw/cNeCIQmy2WEdwg_jcXEYXvbQXeLgfbFbACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Dan%2BAriely%2Bon%2Bincentives3.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image,
(I had this in the previous post, but we could all probably use a break
from all of the blocks of text.) It compares how Monetary Incentives
Work (which looks to not be much fun since it's 25 cents for a 5 second
ride) and how NonMonetary Incentives work (which says below, your
enjoyment powers this ride continuously).] </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
To want<span style="color: magenta;"> nothing more </span>from the planet would be an absolute 180 from the way that currently believe that we can simply <span style="color: #990000;">create pollutants</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">live far enough away from it</span>. Eventually that <span style="color: #990000;">distance</span> will <span style="color: magenta;">reduce to nothing</span>. What <span style="color: #990000;">good</span> are all the <span style="color: #990000;">possessions</span>, all the <span style="color: #990000;">money you’ve made</span> once <span style="color: magenta;">you’re dead</span>? Didn't we already talk about what <span style="color: #990000;">happens </span><span style="color: magenta;">after you die</span>? <span style="color: magenta;">Nothing<span style="color: black;">!</span></span>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-size: large;">Nothing</span><span style="font-size: large;"> couldn’t be <span style="color: #990000;">scarier</span>, or<span style="color: #990000;"> more offensive <span style="color: black;">(to Republicans)</span></span>.
</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It also probably <span style="color: #990000;">drives someone crazy</span> because <span style="color: magenta;">that no good do nothing sunufabitch just sits on his ass all day</span> and is the <span style="color: magenta;">epitome of Lazy</span>. If <span style="color: magenta;">that person </span>doesn’t have a <span style="color: #990000;">bonafide medical reason</span> for <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>, then <span style="color: #990000;">someone else has to pay</span> for their <span style="color: magenta;">lack of work</span>.<br />
<br />
Why is <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothingness’</span> a <span style="color: #990000;">useful tactic</span> in the medical field (<span style="color: #990000;">for being left alone</span>), but not in <span style="color: #990000;">economics</span>? 'You're <span style="color: magenta;">poor</span>? Congrats, you've <span style="color: #990000;">earned the right</span> <span style="color: magenta;">to be left the fuck alone</span>. And here's a few <span style="color: magenta;">safety nets</span> btw in case you <span style="color: #990000;">need</span> them, we <span style="color: #990000;">need</span> you to<span style="color: #990000;"> be healthy</span> for the overall health of <span style="color: #990000;">the nation</span>.' See: Pandemic.</div>
<div>
Maybe it’s because one of the hardest feelings to curb in humans is the <span style="color: #990000;">toxic spirit of revenge</span>, and this includes <span style="color: #990000;">feeling scammed</span> by a <span style="color: magenta;">freeloader</span>. When I see a lot of <a href="https://www.thenation.com/article/archive/josh-levin-the-queen-book-review/">policies</a> nowadays passed by <a href="https://theconversation.com/3-myths-about-the-poor-that-republicans-are-using-to-support-slashing-us-safety-net-89048"><span style="color: #990000;">Republicans</span></a> today it really feels like it’s all <span style="color: #990000;">motivated by immediate <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jan/04/republicans-abortion-amicus-brief-supreme-court">revenge</a></span>, not by any long-term policy. Take abortion for example: No employer should be forced to pay for you to enjoy having sex <i>(no government sponsored contraceptives/progressive sex education)</i> and even under extenuating circumstances you are responsible to bring that child into the world <i>(because fetuses have feelings, and it keeps women in their place)</i> unless you've chosen to be gay, ya'll are exempted from the adoption program <i>(because biologically you're <span style="color: magenta;">not reproducing</span> the <span style="color: #990000;">‘right’ way</span>.) </i><br />
<br />
So if they feel that way just about sex, which I think of as a private matter, of course they're not going to be any more pleasant about the the idea of you not working with all of your 'private time'. 'How dare you have enough <span style="color: #990000;">money</span> in your pocket to <span style="color: magenta;">not have to even do anything</span>? Why does retirement exist? The Pandemic needs to end so that you can cut our hair, raise our kids, and tend to all the things that we like to do for fun.'<br />
<br />
What is an additional <span style="color: #990000;">offense</span> to <span style="color: #990000;">all of the above</span> is that <span style="color: #990000;">Wars</span> are what<span style="color: #990000;"> happen</span> when there is <span style="color: #990000;">excess capital <span style="color: black;">[citation needed]</span></span>, so there is an <span style="color: #990000;">argument to be made</span> that <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> may be<span style="color: magenta;"> less</span><span style="color: #990000;"> damaging</span> than <span style="color: #990000;">too much</span> of a <span style="color: #990000;">good thing</span>.<br />
<br />
There's a lot of fear of the <span style="color: #990000;">incoming shit-storm</span> of <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> right now: What about when countries have <span style="color: magenta;">run out</span> of food? When they have <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>? Wasn't the <span style="color: #990000;">dismal economics</span> part of<span style="color: #990000;"> the reason</span> that people <span style="color: #990000;">blamed/scapegoated Others</span> just prior to WWII?<br />
Well, as <span style="color: magenta;">a counter point</span>, with the <span style="color: #990000;">settlements in the New World</span>, yet to be the <span style="color: #990000;">robust corporate America we know today</span>, when the pilgrims entered winter and had <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>, Indigenous tribes shared food and their expertise, but perhaps they <span style="color: magenta;">shouldn't have given anything</span>? I’m sure if there was such a thing as time travel, the idea of giving these colonizers <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing'</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">not trading</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">not sharing</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">not mingling</span>, 6' distancing might be <span style="color: #990000;">seriously considered</span> with the knowledge that 80 - 95% of all indigenous people will eventually be <span style="color: magenta;">wiped out</span> by <span style="color: #990000;">European diseases</span>, and that as for a meeting <span style="color: #990000;">the definition</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">genocide</span>, it will be mostly considered a <span style="color: #990000;">necessary evil</span>.<br />
<br />
So here is the Democratic/Liberal problematic version of Nothing: <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="it-doesnt-look-like-anything-to-me-westworld | Post Apocalyptic Media" class="n3VNCb" data-noaft="1" src="https://www.postapocalypticmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/it-doesnt-look-like-anything-to-me-westworld.jpg" style="height: 301.143px; margin: 0px auto; width: 527px;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A
profoundly common phrase in the TV series, "West World". It has a
'Matrix' like quality to it where it shows you exactly what Elon Musk is
thinking and how confusing his reality must be.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
At some point during 'West World' part of the tool to know if someone is <span style="color: #990000;">running the usual protocol</span> is to see <span style="color: #990000;">if they can register something</span> that should <span style="color: magenta;">NOT</span> jog their memory, because this would mean that the character <span style="color: #990000;">recalls</span> that in some lifetime <span style="color: #990000;">they had some kind of relationship to it</span>. Here, <span style="color: #990000;">wiping memories</span> is part of what makes <span style="color: #990000;">slavery</span> possible. The show then... well... a lot of confusing stuff happens, but at some point it uses the trope of when <span style="color: magenta;">'doing nothing'</span> means to allow something awful to happen. <br />
<br />
Some people believe that they are acutely aware of <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing'</span>, and that it needs to be thought of as a choice whether done unconsciously or not.<br />
<br />
Many of us have heard that if we <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing'</span>
then we're implicit in the violence to other people. But it's never
clear like in TV & Movies: "Sir, we're about to execute this person,
do you recognize them?" and then the character goes on to be haunted by
their decision. What a fantasy that things could be this clear.<br />
<br />
But we also argue that if we don't <span style="color: #990000;">do 'enough'</span>, even if we think <span style="color: #990000;">we're trying as hard as we</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">anything less</span> than <span style="color: #990000;">systematic change</span>, <i>(if something could revert easily back to being awful)</i> it might as well mean that <span style="color: magenta;">nothing <span style="color: #990000;">has really changed substantially</span></span>.
And that would signal that there needs to be a change in tactic!
Unfortunately this is usually part of <span style="color: #990000;">a constant call to action</span>, which
leads to burn out. (Which is really just our bodies deciding to <span style="color: magenta;">Do
Nothing</span> without us intending to.)<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Personally I'd like to see less military spending and that energy being shifted
into preventative care and repair, and not just within the U.S. borders,
just like we've seen the most accepting decrease in consumption in my
lifetime, which I believe is connected to how we were all asked to <span style="color: #990000;">be
more responsible</span>. For some that meant to <span style="color: magenta;">stay at home</span>, even if that
means <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span>, and most of us are giving it a shot, and usually we all
don't agree on much!</span><br />
<br />
I want to say that returning to
'normal' is akin to returning to <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> which would say a lot about
ones privilege, but I also think doctors and nurses in hospitals would
very much like to <span style="color: magenta;">return</span> <span style="color: #990000;">to a manageable level of work</span>, and I want that
for them too. What is so frustrating about anyone wanting to return to <span style="color: #990000;">
'normal'</span> is that<span style="color: #990000;"> 'normal'</span> is meant to signify a time <i>before</i> a
disturbing change, when thankfully <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> was really happening,<span style="color: magenta;"> no change</span> to the
<span style="color: #990000;"> status quo</span>. But this supposed <span style="color: magenta;">stasis</span> doesn't mean <span style="color: magenta;">peace</span> for everyone,
it just means a subjective, individual, personal, private level of
<span style="color: magenta;">peace</span>.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
I have <span style="color: magenta;">a potentially infuriating suggestion</span>. What if it doesn't matter who wins the upcoming presidential election because neither side really knows how to encourage <span style="color: magenta;">'Nothing'</span>? (Before there was a backlash, Biden was still hoping people would go in person to the polls? Does it seem to anyone else that just like Trump he changes his tune depending on the amount of backlash in the media from his conservative base?)<br />
<br />
I wonder about things would change if someone represented a very different change in attitude? What if that person <span style="color: magenta;">didn’t stigmatize</span> homeless people and rather <span style="color: #990000;">created a full fledged system that fed, clothed, secured, gave temporary privacy to, gave facilities to clean themselves, gave dignity, gave work, gave mental and physical services, produced social programs</span> (aka parties) and <span style="color: #990000;">to have the same for their pets<span style="color: black;">?</span></span> So regardless of poverty, we could allow more people to live in the very<span style="color: #990000;"> excess</span> that actually exists. What’s so terrible about being <span style="color: magenta;">without</span> <span style="color: #990000;">a private home</span>? Wouldn’t this be the <span style="color: #990000;">greatest</span> use of re-distributed <span style="color: #990000;">wealth</span>, that we can finally <span style="color: magenta;">do ’Nothing’</span>? But we don’t really<span style="color: #990000;"> practice </span><span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>, so it’s <span style="color: magenta;">alien </span>to us. Most of us anyways can only <span style="color: magenta;">imagine</span> that t<span style="color: #990000;">here is always work to be done</span>, not <span style="color: magenta;">less</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">more</span>. I think it's very telling that the homeless people I know <span style="color: magenta;">(including perpetual couchsurfers)</span> prefer to <span style="color: #990000;">make art </span>rather than do <span style="color: magenta;">nothing <span style="color: black;">when they can't<span style="color: #990000;"> just</span></span><span style="color: #990000;"> get a job</span></span>. I also think it’s funny that when my retired uncle describes his day of <span style="color: magenta;">gardening </span>and <span style="color: #990000;">finding stuff to do</span>, it sounds a lot like when I've been in the middle of <span style="color: magenta;">my career as an artist</span>. Some people are allowed to <span style="color: magenta;">do Nothing</span> because they’ve <span style="color: #990000;">"earned it"</span>, and some people will <span style="color: magenta;">slowly</span>, <span style="color: #990000;">systematically</span>, be <span style="color: #990000;">preyed upon</span> because they are <span style="color: magenta;">a scapegoat population</span> that represents <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span>.
</div>
<div>
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In this country (because of Capitalism) we celebrate <span style="color: #990000;">those</span> who tell <span style="color: magenta;">other people</span> to <span style="color: #990000;">fight the system</span> and<span style="color: #990000;"> ‘Be something, </span>and<span style="color: magenta;"> Do Nothing’</span>, where a lot of <span style="color: #990000;">hustling</span> (<span style="color: #990000;">creating something</span> from <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>) sounds <span style="color: #990000;">perfectly 'normal'</span>. There's quite an imposed <span style="color: #990000;">hierarchy</span> <span style="color: #990000;">here</span>, of <span style="color: #990000;">those who are smart enough</span> to tell people to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span>, and <span style="color: #990000;">those who aren’t smart enough</span> not to <span style="color: #990000;">figure out</span> <span style="color: #990000;">how to</span> <span style="color: magenta;">'Do Nothing</span>' the right way.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zdT1p-WBckE/Xr4Ektw8KPI/AAAAAAAAMd4/GVv86KP57Kc4rjVZhp4Lr6PuxweomH9mwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/JoelOsteen.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="794" data-original-width="1193" height="265" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zdT1p-WBckE/Xr4Ektw8KPI/AAAAAAAAMd4/GVv86KP57Kc4rjVZhp4Lr6PuxweomH9mwCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/JoelOsteen.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oZpUJk37mPU/Xr3_pBuF6eI/AAAAAAAAMdo/8OSerhTJGqcAMnih9QNwyuHjICQYzU46wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/idlehandsarethedevilsworkshop.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="800" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oZpUJk37mPU/Xr3_pBuF6eI/AAAAAAAAMdo/8OSerhTJGqcAMnih9QNwyuHjICQYzU46wCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/idlehandsarethedevilsworkshop.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uRlF4W2v1Xo/Xr3-MF3XZkI/AAAAAAAAMdY/m_5k73H4xOstoA6hYPw6LkK-WMaP6C2yQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/EmptyPrison.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="730" height="196" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uRlF4W2v1Xo/Xr3-MF3XZkI/AAAAAAAAMdY/m_5k73H4xOstoA6hYPw6LkK-WMaP6C2yQCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/EmptyPrison.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Images above include a photo of Pastor Joel Osteen in his private jet, a quote that's pretty similar to 'Idle Hands are the Devil's Workshop' but said by Henry David Thoreau, and the empty Santa Ana prison]</td></tr>
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I also think of a <span style="color: #990000;">prison</span>, where supposedly <span style="color: magenta;">those</span> <span style="color: magenta;">who</span> <span style="color: magenta;">threaten the community</span> must be put in a <span style="color: magenta;">nowhere</span> place to <span style="color: magenta;">do nothing</span>, to feel like they <span style="color: magenta;">are nothing</span>, so that they don’t supposedly <span style="color: #990000;">hurt somebody</span>. It makes no healthy sense because <span style="color: #990000;">the organizations that Need a prison</span>, are <span style="color: #990000;">the ones that profit off of actually forcing <span style="color: magenta;">people</span></span><span style="color: magenta;"> who have nothing</span>, to <span style="color: #990000;">work</span> <span style="color: magenta;">for nothing</span>. To be <span style="color: #990000;">The organization</span> that <span style="color: #990000;">gets to decide the what</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">why</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">a Prison</span> (<span style="color: #990000;">they </span>don’t seem to care too much about<span style="color: #990000;"> the How</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">a chink</span> in the armor) is<span style="color: #990000;"> everything</span>. I can’t <span style="color: magenta;">imagine<span style="color: #990000;"> </span></span><span style="color: #990000;">the war </span>for <span style="color: #990000;">who gets to claim the right</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">doing ‘Prison'</span>, ever ending, ever looking towards<span style="color: magenta;"> a future without prison</span>. So the<span style="color: magenta;"> ‘Nothing' </span>isn’t simply <span style="color: magenta;">existential</span>, but a euphemism for being <span style="color: #990000;">imprisoned/exiled/tortured</span>. Just thought it was worth bringing up considering that there is finally a discussion of various states releasing people from <a href="https://papost.org/2020/04/17/prison-design-creates-ideal-environment-for-coronavirus/">prisons and jails</a>.</div>
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There’s a few quotes in <a href="https://www.artforum.com/print/202005/paul-b-preciado-82823">‘Learning from <span style="color: #990000;">the Virus</span>’ by Paul B. Preciado</a> that seem applicable:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“In the domain of sexuality, the <span style="color: #990000;">pharmacological modification <span style="color: black;">of</span> <span style="color: magenta;">consciousness</span></span> and <span style="color: #990000;">behavior</span>, the <span style="color: #990000;">mass consumption of antidepressents</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">anxiolytics</span>, and <span style="color: #990000;">the globalization</span> of <span style="color: magenta;">the contraceptive pill</span>, as well as <span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: magenta;">antiretroviral</span> therapies</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">preventative</span> <span style="color: #990000;">AIDS therapies</span>, and <span style="color: #990000;">Viagra</span>, are some of the indicators of <span style="color: #990000;">biotechnological management</span>, which in turn <span style="color: #990000;">synergizes</span> with <span style="color: #990000;">new modes</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">semi-technical management</span> <span style="color: #990000;">that have arisen</span> with the s<span style="color: #990000;">urveillance state</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">the global expansion of the network into every facet of life</span>. I use the term <span style="color: magenta;"><i>pornographic</i></span> because these <span style="color: #990000;">management techniques</span> <span style="color: magenta;">function no longer </span>through the<span style="color: #990000;"> repression</span> and <span style="color: #990000;">prohibition</span> of sexuality, but through the <span style="color: #990000;">incitement of consumption </span>and the <span style="color: #990000;">constant production</span> of <span style="color: #990000;">a regulated </span>and<span style="color: #990000;"> quantifiable pleasure</span>. <span style="font-size: large;"><b>The<span style="color: #990000;"> more</span> we<span style="color: #990000;"> consume</span> and the <span style="color: #990000;">better </span>our <span style="color: #990000;">health</span>, the <span style="color: #990000;">better we are controlled</span>.</b></span>”…
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<span style="font-size: large;">...“Let us <span style="color: magenta;">turn off</span> our <span style="color: #990000;">cell phones</span>, let us<span style="color: magenta;"> disconnect </span>from <span style="color: #990000;">the internet</span>. Let us <span style="color: magenta;">stage a big blackout against the satellites observing us</span>, and <span style="color: magenta;">let us consider </span><span style="color: #990000;">the</span> <span style="color: #990000;">coming revolution together</span>.”
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To be honest, I have to read the whole article still, but although many have voiced that they do not, I actually absolutely agree with <span style="color: #990000;">the conclusion</span>. The reason being that I believe that most Americans have <span style="color: magenta;">lost our relationship</span> to <span style="color: magenta;">‘Nothing’</span>.<br />
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It's not just that <span style="color: magenta;">taking breaks</span> is better for <span style="color: #990000;">Productivity</span>, (which is still true, and studies show that <a href="https://neweconomics.org/2010/02/21-hours">we <span style="color: #990000;">should</span> <span style="color: magenta;">go down</span> to a 21-hour work week</a>) but as my therapist pointed out, <span style="color: magenta;">breaks</span> are <span style="color: magenta;">enlivening <span style="color: black;">and not only does it generatively affect our <span style="color: #990000;">work</span>, but it generatively affects our relationships as well. And since we live in relational systems, there Would be a fundamental ripple effect of <span style="color: magenta;"><span style="background-color: white;">being offline</span></span>, <span style="color: magenta;">off the grid</span>. And it's a kind of Revolution that would be familiar & accessible to more people, like <span style="color: #990000;">camping</span>, or <span style="color: magenta;">a 2-week silent meditation retreat</span>, or say... experiencing a giant pandemic that <span style="color: #990000;">grinds</span> <span style="color: #990000;">The Economy </span><span style="color: magenta;">to a halt</span>. Even though maybe it's only a Revolution to a populace that doesn't work 70 hours a week and not having much Living to show for it...</span></span><br />
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There are <span style="color: #990000;">books</span> that tell of<span style="color: magenta;"> different cultures</span> that <span style="color: magenta;">experience time differently</span>, <span style="color: magenta;"><a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=4X0KY9cVm7MC&lpg=PA425&ots=4KTckdTbDB&dq=africans%20%22sense%20of%20time%22%20slow%20pace%20waiting&pg=PA424#v=onepage&q=africans%20%22sense%20of%20time%22%20slow%20pace%20waiting&f=false">Africans</a> waiting <span style="color: black;">at a bus stop</span></span>, <span style="color: magenta;">not doing anything for hours</span>, <span style="color: magenta;">living </span>in a <span style="color: magenta;">much slower pace of time</span>, possibly even <span style="color: magenta;">a non-linear concept of time</span>. I have once suggested at the beginning of this <span style="color: #990000;">pandemic </span>we all <span style="color: #990000;">need</span> to <span style="color: magenta;">close ourself off</span> from our <span style="color: #990000;">computers</span>, our <span style="color: #990000;">phones</span>, all <span style="color: #990000;">social media</span>, and it may sound a whole lot like <span style="color: magenta;">camping</span>..., but it’s about <span style="color: magenta;">returning to the feeling</span> of when <span style="color: magenta;">‘nothing’</span> is <span style="color: #990000;">better</span> than<span style="color: #990000;"> something</span>. <span style="color: magenta;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">It</span> probably needs to last at least 2 weeks, and we really <span style="color: magenta;">shouldn’t try</span> to <span style="color: #990000;">record it <span style="color: black;">either</span> </span>for <span style="color: #990000;">posterity <i><span style="color: black;">(I'm taking in account of my desire to take lots of photo documentation)</span></i></span>, but rather, <span style="color: magenta;">it </span>should <span style="color: #990000;">be something</span> that we <span style="color: magenta;">return to</span> at least every year, <span style="color: #990000;">doing</span> the two or three weeks of <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>. It will remind us that <span style="color: magenta;">we have so many options</span> when we’re <span style="color: magenta;">unplugged</span> with <span style="color: magenta;">nothing to do</span>, that we probably have <span style="color: #990000;">a ton of privileges</span> that become really apparant when we <span style="color: magenta;">consider</span> how far away we can get from<span style="color: magenta;"> ‘nothing’</span>, or how <span style="color: #990000;">personally</span> we are<span style="color: magenta;"> rarely</span> considered a<span style="color: magenta;"> ‘nothing’</span>. <span style="color: #990000;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-size: small;">Doing</span><span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> is <span style="color: #990000;">no small individual feat</span>, <br />it is to <span style="color: magenta;">practice death in life</span>, <br />it is to <span style="color: magenta;">remember your worth outside </span>of <span style="color: #990000;">a Capitalist Market Value</span>. <br /><br />Even when doing nothing, you'll still be a <span style="color: #990000;">brother</span>, a <span style="color: #990000;">mother</span>, a <span style="color: #990000;">cousin</span>, a <span style="color: #990000;">neighbor</span>, a <span style="color: #990000;">best friend</span>, an <span style="color: magenta;">acquaintance</span>... and you may discover that <span style="color: magenta;">in relation</span> to each and every person, if you were <span style="color: #990000;">to ask them</span> <span style="color: #990000;">flat out</span>: Do <i>you</i> think I <span style="color: #990000;">have</span> <span style="color: #990000;">to do </span><i><span style="color: magenta;">anything?</span></i> And maybe<span style="color: #990000;"> you do</span>, maybe <span style="color: magenta;">you don’t</span>, but for the most part,<i> (as long as one can shut up and be a good listener...)</i>, of course being present in <span style="color: #990000;">that relationship<span style="color: magenta;"> </span></span><span style="color: magenta;">is enough</span>! <span style="color: #990000;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #990000;"><span style="color: black;">So in the end, Pandemic or not,</span> one might <i>think</i> one is not doing enough<span style="color: black;">, but I hope we can all get to that thoughtful place</span> (<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;">where it's not just about feeling insignificant when you look up at the stars, <i>some of us already feel insignificant</i>...),</span> a mental place, <span style="font-size: large;">where we don't feel like we have to be something</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">,</span> <span style="color: black;">to be able to do something that would feel good, to do something that we know is important, OR to be able to get away with <span style="color: magenta;">doing nothing</span>. Maybe with enough <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span> we'll get there. As <a href="https://www.asherhartmanintuitive.com/">Asher Hartman</a> once said to me, 'the bar is NOT too high.'</span></span></span></span></div>
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Addendum:
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Weird questions I thought to myself:<br />
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<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: black;">The absence of a change,</span> 'Nothing'</span> is always the 'control variable' in a scientific experiment, but it's also the sign that <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>
has worked. Does that seem strange to anyone else? I mean, if life is
dynamic, then wouldn't that be like checking a moving river to see if
anything has changed? What if<span style="color: magenta;"> doing nothing</span> is exactly what one was hoping for? How is that distilled from everything else that may have caused <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>
to change? (the only scenario I can imagine would be like trying to test a
medication that makes one live forever... enter doctor: "We've given this 30-year old
woman the same medication for 50 years and she is still 30 years old! If only the original researchers were alive to see their results!") <br />
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Also, <span style="color: magenta;">actually being away</span> from <span style="color: #990000;">phone/computer/internet/corporations individual </span>for two weeks WILL happen, but when?<br />
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Will anyone else be around?<br />
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Should it be coordinated and done en masse?<br />
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Do I put a little e-mail notice that I may be 'out' for some reason? (Obviously looking for a job per Unemployment rules)</div>
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What if I can't handle doing further <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span>?<br />
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Am i an <span style="color: #990000;">asshole</span> if <span style="color: #990000;">i’m stubbornly angry</span> and <span style="color: magenta;">no one else is around</span>?
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Am i an <span style="color: #990000;">asshole</span> if <span style="color: #990000;">i’m stubbornly angry</span> and my friends who are around <span style="color: #990000;">are ok with it to a point</span>?
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Am i an <span style="color: #990000;">asshole </span>if<span style="color: #990000;"> i’m stubbornly angry</span> at myself?
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Am i an <span style="color: #990000;">asshole </span>if <span style="color: #990000;">i’m stubbornly angry</span>, but... to <span style="color: #990000;">a point</span>?
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At which point is <span style="color: #990000;">something ‘real’</span>, besides being <span style="color: #990000;">“to a point”</span> or besides being<span style="color: magenta;"> “enough”</span>?
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The <span style="color: #990000;">big pain-filled question here<span style="color: black;"> is</span></span> “aren’t you <span style="color: magenta;">enough?</span>”
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This <span style="color: #990000;">writing</span> is not<span style="color: magenta;"> for anything</span>, I <span style="color: magenta;">don’t even know</span> if i’m writing <span style="color: #990000;">anything</span>, but is <span style="color: #990000;">something better </span>than <span style="color: magenta;">nothing</span>? What if I'm writing so much because I'm planning for the impending <span style="color: magenta;">'nothing'</span> that I plan on doing? Is that like how a lot of men I know only know how to exhaust themselves rather than say, bring it down a notch?</div>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-1310775073115244872020-05-05T22:58:00.004-07:002020-05-06T01:49:56.739-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 12 (Launch!)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Ok, it's done,<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Version 0.1 of the zine/handbook/call for accomplices is up on <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon</a>!</span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LmAtSsCw2KU/XrJ6H1tHFbI/AAAAAAAAMZQ/EyeOPFRZK-gX61ncSh6FIvQeMjoq6kbwwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_0053.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1061" data-original-width="901" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LmAtSsCw2KU/XrJ6H1tHFbI/AAAAAAAAMZQ/EyeOPFRZK-gX61ncSh6FIvQeMjoq6kbwwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_0053.JPG" width="542" /></a></div>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-67258770420404076462020-05-04T23:57:00.000-07:002020-05-05T22:54:34.953-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 11<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It was nice taking a break from posting something EVERYDAY. My co-habitor and I found a spot far away from people, surrounded by Joshua Trees, where we could just run around naked, and i can't recommend it enough.
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So it feels a little cruel to have forced myself for 10 days, 11 counting today, to stare at a screen and tell you how much work i've done and how much work i imagine i have yet to do. Actually it sounds downright ironic considering that this project is supposed to be both a collective venture, and one that is sustainable.</div>
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Now that this i'm winding this particular project down, i think that what would be most helpful for me <i>(besides you graciously considering an exchange of $3 - $8 towards this project to be hosted on <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">patreon.com/cedrictai</a>)</i> is to take stock, and follow the ever forgiving mantra that ADHD'ers live by: done is better than good.<br />
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Ok first off, tomorrow is both my birthday, the launch of the ADHD Guide for/by Artists (Version 0.1), and my final daily blog post of semi-polished, crip, forays into organized Time-Blindness/Intention-Deficit Disorder research. This whole post is going to be about what i wish i could have covered in this kindof brief but intense experiment...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">1. What i wish i also could get across is that <b>it was all much harder than i could possibly convey</b>... </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">...and i only kept my sanity/interest because of artists on similar journeys like <b>K Bradford, Amara Leipzig, Chris Cole, Veronique D'Entremont, Stephanie Glazier, Joey Cannizzaro</b> and <b>Rachel Yezbick</b> who at the same time were also feeding me some amazing information. <br /><br />And also a whole years' worth of groundwork had been laid during long walks/talks, "informal ADHD Conferences" with <b>Christina Villamor</b> and <b>Mallory Bass</b>! And a slew of other friends that never asked to be taken off of my mailing list even if though they may not have had Intention-Deficit Disorder.<br /><br />And even more great loving grounding came from <b>Dylan Berkey</b>, <b>Meghan Gordon</b>, and my Queer family dubbed '<b>The Kinship Circle</b>.' <br /><br />And i SO look forward to talking more with other friends that i'm sure will be coming more out of the woodworks.</span><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">And i am so thankful for <b>Level Ground</b>, <b>Casa Lu</b>, <b>'unemployment' </b>and slew of residencies/grants that i actually</span> <span style="-en-paragraph: true; font-style: italic;">didn't</span> <span style="-en-paragraph: true;">win that all helped me to focus on a single meaningful 'project' and so more than anything else i look forward to working with their resources in the very immediate future.</span></blockquote>
When i was feeling super guilty about ALL the friends i haven't talked to in a while, (and just not worrying about it wasn't really an option, because i do need to force myself to be social when i want to hide. My M.O. has been to identify nice people, assume the best and form a mutual support network) i came up with a new structured diagram that would take the pressure off of trying to prioritize, plan, and remember who i wanted to chat with once my self-imposed chaos calmed down.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9AmFAGvuZ14/XrIOt6wWORI/AAAAAAAAMYk/fgidzP_PRvgJPhY3BDt_DHcP1JZMzf54QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/people%2Bto%2Bcontact%2528smaller%2Band%2Btilted%25292.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1240" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9AmFAGvuZ14/XrIOt6wWORI/AAAAAAAAMYk/fgidzP_PRvgJPhY3BDt_DHcP1JZMzf54QCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/people%2Bto%2Bcontact%2528smaller%2Band%2Btilted%25292.jpg" width="492" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Pictured are concentric circles chock full of names where each main ring also extends into the next outer ring: the people i want to get in touch with. In the center are people who i know very well, and it goes outwards from there
outwards to ancestors at the very edges. Like this post, it's kindof a brain dump, but it gives perspective on how difficult it may be to prioritize even talking to friends we <i>want </i>to talk to and how everyone may have this many feelings of obligations too. although it's written in pen, the diagram represents the fluid contact i get with people who i try to be closer to and those i have yet to get to know better.]</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">Often there's this appearance from social media posts that productivity is something to be impressed by, so a few friends have conveyed that "it’s kindof intimidating how productive you’ve been during the pandemic" but the reality is that i'm starting from other people's original material, the productivity is more of a sign of my depression/desperation, a real-time refusal to feel feelings, and really none of it has gone through any proper filter/editing process, which any self-respecting person would have implemented from the get.</span><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"> </span><br />
<br />
To counteract the rosiness of productivity, <b>this is also what 'just trying to be productive looks like’</b>:
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AOzEvlG8XRI/XrEnl3DLeiI/AAAAAAAAMWs/3MpJmCa4H-UcpSnefWIbJLWO4eB4nQ6tgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/many%2Btypes%2Bof%2Bcrying.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1242" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AOzEvlG8XRI/XrEnl3DLeiI/AAAAAAAAMWs/3MpJmCa4H-UcpSnefWIbJLWO4eB4nQ6tgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/many%2Btypes%2Bof%2Bcrying.jpg" width="496" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[16 pictures of me crying, but i kindof wanted to show that
there's such a whole range of why i or anyone else might be crying, and how i want
to be proud that i can do things like allow myself to cry in public, but
also sh*t IS hard and it's so so easy to forget that, and usually i don't want to show it, which is also
sad. (Footnote to a caption 1)]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Thankfully, this wasn't an exercise in 'how can me and my friends truly get ourselves to rest' because basically, we all failed.<span style="font-size: xx-small;">2</span> It was an exercise in, 'how much can i really put myself and this project 'out there' to get the support that could really make it what it needs to be?' </div>
<div>
<br />
I'm flying my little time-blindness flag to call out for allies (that i otherwise may not have reached out to otherwise) and imagine that i'm also holding up a sign that reads: "Can people who chronically show up late, still be part of the Revolution?"<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">2. Lastly, i'm going to list a bunch of things that i kept wanting to have gone deeper into, to talk about, to get it organized, so that it could be made more accessible (and therefore have made it into the rough draft.) The main thing I discovered was that there is definitely a gap in the voices/research on ADHD and it's missing the indigenous/First Nations piece as well as Feminist takes on ADHD. <br /><br />Just like there were so many more words for genders in some of the earliest societies, i'd be curious if there was ever a point in which Time Blindness was ascribed to a certain kind of identity.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TnHkzY6UX3M/XrEokZdQC3I/AAAAAAAAMW0/ksr-Qu94Eks3KF9WwNgupJ7WHJjO1zudwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/L%2BFrank%2B%2528and%2Bthen%2Bi%2Bcame%2Bacross%2Bterms%25292.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="588" data-original-width="806" height="291" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TnHkzY6UX3M/XrEokZdQC3I/AAAAAAAAMW0/ksr-Qu94Eks3KF9WwNgupJ7WHJjO1zudwCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/L%2BFrank%2B%2528and%2Bthen%2Bi%2Bcame%2Bacross%2Bterms%25292.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A
still from 'Never Not Been a Part of Me', where the Oakland Museum of
California interviewed people including Artist L. Frank. Here they're
describing the complicated historical meaning behind various names that
now all fall under the pan-Indian, umbrella term used by some Indigenous
groups: 'Two-Spirit'.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
</div>
<div>
When i say that i'm looking for Feminist takes on ADHD, it's not that far off from anti-capitalist approaches, nor social justice conversations, but there really are some great authors that i wasn't familiar with in the last 5 years, such as <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29771377-living-a-feminist-life">Sara Ahmed's "Living a Feminist Life"</a> that could inform some really poignant/lived/intersectional ways of approaching the topic. Consider these ideas as also enveloping an ADHD perspective:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“We are dismissed as emotional. It is enough to make you emotional.”
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“it is dangerous to be perceived as dangerous.” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“a system is working when an attempt to transform that system is blocked.” </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Mere persistence can be an act of disobedience. And then: you have to persist in being disobedient. And then: to exist is disobedient."</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“By using the idea of sweaty concepts, I am also trying to show how
descriptive work is conceptual work... ...A sweaty concept might come out of a bodily
experience that is trying. The task is to stay with the difficulty, to
keep exploring and exposing this difficulty. We might need not to
eliminate the effort or labor from the writing. Not eliminating the
effort or labor becomes an academic aim because we have been taught to
tidy our texts, not to reveal the struggle we have in getting somewhere.
Sweaty concepts are also generated by the practical experience of
coming up against a world, or the practical experience of trying to
transform a world.”<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“And note then: you can killjoy not as a deliberate or intentional
act; you might even be trying to participate in the joy of others. You
can killjoy because you are not properly attuned to the requirements of a
social system.” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
i wish there was an ADHD advocate who flowed like this, and the writing style really reminds me of how i toss ideas around in my head. But also in each quote, it feels like the author is saying 'enough is enough. We need to see our invisible labor as overwhelming, and it's going to feel queer... it's going to show who is really doing the work, and then, under the guise of solidarity, we willfully stop.'<br />
<br />
I also feel like it's related to Queering ADHD, Queering Time-Blindness, Queering Intention Deficit Disorder... <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
- - -<br />
<br />
Ok, now this is pretty much a brain dump: the BIG LIST of stuff i never got around to (and i actually at one point thought it was feasible to complete all of these things in 12 days before May 5th so it really shows the kind of problematic work ethic i have to fight against):<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>I'm not quite sure where more wordy references go, things like</li>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://depts.washington.edu/fammed/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Katers-selfcare_printable.pdf">Everything is Awful and I'm not Okay: questions to ask before giving up </a></span></li>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://blog.lareviewofbooks.org/interviews/reimagining-disability-justice-interview-leah-lakshmi-piepzna-samarasinha/">Crip Time OR Emotional Intelligence (from Crip Care) </a></span></li>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">My condensing of the <a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4IexJNwayw/Xqp2rcugtRI/AAAAAAAAMSs/RSyVoLitftopW3hNWLCerBFZbLWyKI76QCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/The%2BMartyre%2Bvs%2Bthe%2BTrickster.jpg">Martyr vs. Trickster</a> (Big Magic - Elizabeth Gilbert)</span></li>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">My condensing of the <a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z7ZQUyn5mf0/XqqGMeWs0tI/AAAAAAAAMTA/9qxlc4Um4Gkn0IJ9HNfPPkjITaUyNc0NwCEwYBhgL/s640/intelectualmente%2Bcorrecto.jpg">Intelectualmente Correcto</a> (Psychomagic - Jodorowsky)</span></li>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">An updated version of <a href="https://totallyadd.com/blog/23-signs-you-do-not-have-adhd/">"23 Signs you don't have Adult ADHD"</a> based on the comments from that page.</span></li>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">I've also made a bunch of shaped notes, to try to rein in my the wildness of my note taking, i feel like that'd go somewhere in this xeroxable workbook. </span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0SZujFfFIkc/XrGJF32F_oI/AAAAAAAAMXQ/9Ls39APGaJg9YwTJjYg4bEEHpD0a1J69gCEwYBhgL/s1600/Shaped%2BNotes%2B%2528Brain%2BDump%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1371" data-original-width="1080" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0SZujFfFIkc/XrGJF32F_oI/AAAAAAAAMXQ/9Ls39APGaJg9YwTJjYg4bEEHpD0a1J69gCEwYBhgL/s200/Shaped%2BNotes%2B%2528Brain%2BDump%2529.jpg" width="157" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G5NL6w9X8UM/XrGG9N-PKJI/AAAAAAAAMXA/--Fh8bQbo4MlOR8zJyoqPds9XS8N2FGJACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Shaped%2BNotes%2B%2528Forced%2BshapesB%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1512" data-original-width="1167" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G5NL6w9X8UM/XrGG9N-PKJI/AAAAAAAAMXA/--Fh8bQbo4MlOR8zJyoqPds9XS8N2FGJACLcBGAsYHQ/s200/Shaped%2BNotes%2B%2528Forced%2BshapesB%2529.jpg" width="153" /></a><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j0YKQnGX7Rw/XrGTixTrwlI/AAAAAAAAMXY/sqPk_R_asZcHihzJi31j3lKEC8AMMvQ5ACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/branching%2Bout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="595" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j0YKQnGX7Rw/XrGTixTrwlI/AAAAAAAAMXY/sqPk_R_asZcHihzJi31j3lKEC8AMMvQ5ACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/branching%2Bout.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
</li>
</ul>
<li>i'm starting to find specific quotes to clarify how diagnosis/illness relates to Capitalism or Neoliberalism or Marxism as a lens to view ADHD, not just Disability (the inability to perform labor) or Depression, on a macro scale in culture/ society that cannot imagine being anything different, not having hope that alternatives exist.</li>
<ul>
<li>Marxism has a lot to do with who controls time, who works, when, and how long... <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(citation needed) </span></li>
<li>A version of ADHD in relationship to Capitalism is kindof
covered by <a href="https://repeaterbooks.com/product/k-punk-the-collected-and-unpublished-writings-of-mark-fisher-2004-2016/?v=7516fd43adaa">Mark Fisher of K-Punk</a>, (who himself was a victim of of
depression)</li>
<li><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/jul/22/24-7-late-capitalism-ends-sleep-jonathan-crary-review">24/7 Late Capitalism and the Ends of Sleep by Jonathan Crary</a> could be paired with <a href="http://www.drellenlittman.com/">Dr. Ellen Littman's</a> passage - <span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"
<span style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-language-override: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">In</span> <span style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-language-override: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">ADHD brains, the RAS is dysregulated; circadian cycles tend to skew towards higheractivity levels in the evening, resulting in later bedtimes and waking times. Many individuals with ADHD mismanage time and finally have personal time at the end ofthe evening. This is when they watch TV, engage with their social media, or playgames on the computer. It has also been shown that the blue LED light from computer and other such screens increases brain alertness while suppressing the normal elevation of melatonin that signals the circadian clock. As a result, ADHDbrains are often flooded with both internal and external stimulation until after midnight, delaying sleep and making it difficult to be an early riser."</span></span></span></li>
<li>And there's PLENTY of references to Neoliberalism in this recent book i've come across<span style="font-size: xx-small;">4</span> <span style="font-size: x-small;">"Once a child has a diagnosis, parents are required to make informed decisions about medication. Discourses around childhood, parent-ing and psychiatric diagnosis converge around the issue of medication. Children, within contemporary neoliberal Western societies, are represented as vulnerable, innocent and in need of protection, and their parents are required to assume prime responsibility for their care, protection and well-being.</span></li>
</ul>
<li>i was encouraged to consider an additional 'Workbook' that could/would accompany the Artists Guide for/by Artists <i>(i'm glad i didn't convince myself to also get this finished by May 5th)</i></li>
<ul>
<li> Write out all of the current techniques that are known for working well with the ADHD brain and make it so that someone could make a 'Guide to their own brain' by crossing out the strategies that don't work, and emphasizing the ones that consistently work.</li>
<ul>
<li>i could use that space to lay out examples of some specific techniques/strategies </li>
<ul>
<li>The A, B, Cs (do everything in A before moving onto B)</li>
<li>Totally put off by the time to match up socks?: buy 1 single style of sock</li>
<li>Strength-based coaching</li>
<li><i>too many to name, don't know why i started to...</i></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<li>Make 3 pages similar to the 'Anti-coloring book' and maybe riff off of existing workbooks...</li>
<ul>
<li>A prompt that reads: Your brain has lots of activity going on, draw what it feels like is happening in there. (Or what could emotions look like?)</li>
<li>A prompt that reads, I want to be asked for My help, draw what could mutual aid look like starting with what you know you can provide.</li>
<li>The Best Friends Learning Gang had a prompt about alien bodies, it spawned a lot of interesting expansive forms of bodies, what could be inspired by their approach?</li>
<li>Maybe it's something simple where an actual CBT workbook section is meant to be 'corrected' and there are some prompts about how to alter/question/debunk certain top down aspects of it.</li>
</ul>
<li>i wonder if i could also expand how workbooks usually work <i>(they're like diaries but much more
clinical in nature)</i>, instead maybe this document could be a collection point for being in
conversation with other people about ones strengths.</li>
<ul>
<li>"Conversation Starters" using 4 memes pulled from the internet, that may share some kind of theme but very different tones. i imagined being more willing to discuss why something made me laugh and how different people may relate to the each one differently. i like that humor is interestingly elusive and indirect, maybe it can be its own kind of Rorschach test.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1PgBHZN7zNs/XrJCEOg7BUI/AAAAAAAAMZA/g5t-TiSjNjA-RWPQJ7jqaKGGkzuJn9b-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/4%2Bcomics%2Btogether%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="827" data-original-width="639" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1PgBHZN7zNs/XrJCEOg7BUI/AAAAAAAAMZA/g5t-TiSjNjA-RWPQJ7jqaKGGkzuJn9b-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/4%2Bcomics%2Btogether%25282%2529.jpg" /></a></div>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><ul>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Maybe this workbook can include things that are bit more didactically 'useful' but still involve other people as an external motivator (i don't like that workbooks just assume that you'll... willingly do them? really?... in relation to ADHD?...) i wonder if it's possible to create prompts in expansive ways beyond the single reader, but to engage with ones wider support network and to flesh out ideas:</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Have a section where someone would be filling out what is essentially a letter of appreciation about you, maybe there's a good example of clear, unequivocal support and it's made 'madlibs' style. And you could also consider using it to give someone else a letter as opposed to receiving it, but in either case, it would only work if done with genuine care.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Other specific things i would include in this that i've already made would include the '<a href="https://www.patreon.com/join/cedrictai/checkout?rid=4947873&redirect_uri=%2Fposts%2Fjournal-daily-36019390">Checklist-Did List-Feelings Tracking-Countdown Charts</a>'. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">A section on what i learned about To Do Lists from Kaiser's ADHD group sessions</span></li>
<li><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/fn3mh5/i_made_a_schedule_to_help_everyone_with_adhd/"><span style="font-size: small;">The ADHD Coronavirus Schedule</span></a></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Maybe its a spot where if people can't even think of questions you wish you were asked, you have a spot where it gets written out, it's blatent, you're not asking for sympathy, you asking for THIS on your terms.</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></ul>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></ul>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></ul>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<ul style="text-align: left;"><ul><span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Synthesize the findings/quotes/make info more accessible from these books<span style="font-size: xx-small;">3</span>:</span>
</li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span><ul><span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/321277876_Global_Perspectives_on_ADHD_Social_Dimensions_of_Diagnosis_and_Treatment_in_Sixteen_Countries">Global Perspectives on ADHD: Social Dimensions of Diagnosis and Treatment in Sixteen Countries</a> </b>(Meredith R. Bergey; Angela M. Filipe; Peter Conrad; Ilina Singh (eds.), 2018)</span> <span style="font-size: small;"><b><br /></b></span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Trial-Courtroom-Clashes-Disability/dp/0313360154">ADHD on Trial: Courtroom Clashes over the Meaning of Disability</a></b> (Michael Gordon, 2009) </span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Everything You Wanted to Know About ADHD... But Forgot You Wanted to Ask </b>(Neuroscience Education Institute, 2008)</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3319426133"><b>The Discourse of ADHD Perspectives on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder<span style="font-size: xx-small;">4</span> </b>(Mary Horton-Salway and Alison Davies, 2018)</a></span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Experiences and Explanations of ADHD: An Ethnography of Adults Living with a Diagnosis (Mikka Nielsen, 2020)</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship (Ari Tuckman, 2020)</span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><u>*Footnote to a caption <b>1</b>:</u></span><span style="-en-paragraph: true;">To all the men i know, how about posting an actual image of
vulnerability, (not just being a savior) sometime eh? The pervasive ho hum
positivity is actually kindof toxic, <a href="https://socialtextjournal.org/the-promise-of-happiness/">and i want to push back on it</a>. Have you ever seen posts
of men 'fake crying' for a laugh?... and some people say women aren't
funny...</span><br />
<br />
<b><u><span style="-en-paragraph: true;">2</span></u></b><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">How do i know? Because we never stopped posting things on Instagram
about how much we need to take a rest to defeat
Capitalism/Colonialism/Depression, we never stopped being optimistic, we
couldn't get more people to think that Bernie Sanders/Elizabeth Warren
ticket was possible, and that by other countries standards, their policies
wouldn't actually be that radical*.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><u><b>3</b></u>i just have to say, it is such a relief to be able to find so many of these great resources to download illegally, and seeing how i could weave all of these things together. </span><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">i don't know if i've ever told anyone this embarrassing story, but when i was getting my teaching certificication i would go on and on about this brilliant book called 'The Myth of Laziness" by this author Dr. Mel Levine, and all i really retained was the words 'output failure', and how you just can't blame kids for when the assignments are unclear or not meaningful. i'm sure i ran with it because it was such an affirming, early, description of neurodiversity, i mean really, the title said it all.</span><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"> At some point i'm looking the book up again, probably to post it as a reference in some writing, and i found out that he had just killed himself (in 2011) just prior to going on trial for molesting 40 kids over a long period of time in Boston. Although the book has 4 stars on Amazon.com & Good Reads, upon closer look there's plenty of reviews well before the epic revelation that says it's a lot of fluff, totally unscientific, repeats itself to fill space and then doesn't really go anywhere. i just think it's a funny contrast considering i had always tried to get people to take me seriously, and on the other hand, it was dawning on me that i've been telling so many people for years that I was inspired by someone who' turned out to be a pedofile conman. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><u><b>4 </b></u><br />Just more from this book wherever the word "Neoliberal" showed up:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">This presents conflicting choices for parents. On the one hand,
there are strong arguments against medication for ADHD including side
physical side-effects, possible addiction, issues around stigma,
autonomy and dependence (see Singh 2005, 2008a; Rafalovich 2005).
Billington and Pomerantz (2004) suggest that med-ication reduces
opportunities for children to practise the skills necessary for the
development of self-control, responsibility and self-regulation. These
are characteristics valued in neoliberal societies and expected to be
developed within responsible self-regulating families. On the other
hand, there are strong cultural imperatives for parents to seek
treat-ment for their children if they are ‘sick’. Hawthorne (2010)
argues that social expectations are threaded through the DSM, not only
within the value-laden criteria of underlying disorders, but also
through compas-sionate values of care, which include diagnosis and
treatment."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">"The emphasis in psychological discourse on the role
of the family in regulating their child’s behaviour is also
(re)produced within prevalent neoliberal ideology, which situates
responsibility for social problems with the individual, and the family.
Francis (2012) argues that essential-ist notions of motherhood position
mothers as particularly responsible for the ‘outcomes’ of their families
and children. Neoliberal ideology, therefore, provides a context for
the convergence of the medical dis-course around ADHD with other
discourses around parenting and maternal blame..."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: x-small;">"...Slaby
(2010) considers how, on the one hand, neuroscientific discourse plays
down personal responsibility for psychiatric disorders through the
lan-guage of ‘hard-wired connections and rigid mechanisms’, while, on
the other hand, the growing emphasis on plasticity and adaptability to
envi-ronmental factors seems ‘to lead back to quite specific forms of
personal responsibility’ (p. 406). These resonate with the parent as the
responsible subject of neoliberal discourse. The association of
neuroscientific knowl-edge with child development is strengthened
through governmental agendas and policies and disseminated to the
clinic, the classroom and the family through ‘early years intervention’,
which targets parents and particularly mothers about how best to raise
their children (Gillies et al. 2016). One, very common, intervention
approach recommended for pre-school children with ADHD is group-based
parenting programmes (Smith et al. 2014). Neuroscientifically informed
parenting interventions target so called ‘impairments’ in
neuropsychological functioning. Tarver et al. (2014) describe specific
parenting interventions which might impact positively on executive
functioning deficits, reward processing deficits, temporal processing
deficits and academic functioning. These ‘good parenting’ obligations
highlight how parenting ‘has moved away from something ‘natural’ towards
something that ‘has to be learned and can be perfected or at least
improved’ (Bailey 2014)."</span></li>
</ul>
<i><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">*</span></span><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Footnote
to a footnote </span></span></span></span></i><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Somehow people who wanted to just 'return to normal' also
think that Biden has 'earned' the nomination by being defacto electable
and therefore has already 'earned' everyones vote, because otherwise Trump. </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">But that means that we're still going to have to fight Biden's on his stance on ICE, we're not going to
see the end of domestic spying on Americans (the Patriot Act), no end to large
corporations or banks being too big to fail, wealth inequality will continue to be the worst its been in decades, definetely no
healthcare for all, and an overall continuation of hard to explain, Neoliberal values. <br />What's worse is needing to take accusations like Tara Reade's with serious accountability AND I
know i'm supposed to vote for Biden amidst all of these unknowns because this vote is going to be
wayyy too close for comfort. <br />Actually <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/03/the-democrats-big-gamble-on-joe-biden/608128/">this article kind of puts it nicely</a>
that assuming a Biden win, like Obama did before, he likely is going to
capitulate to Republicans as if that represents a fair middleground
rather than consider that the supposed 'fringe' bold ideas are actually
the ones being proven to be
necessary. It won't be enough for climate change, it won't be enough to
counteract the economy shifting into automation, it won't be enough for
the QTBIPOC folk whose lives depend on not being treated like a "fringe"
faction.</span></span> </span></span><br />
<br /><br />
<br />
<br /><br />
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-34421444580337759062020-05-02T00:16:00.000-07:002020-05-04T23:57:42.951-07:00ADHD guide for/by Artists, Day 10<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Oooh, i've been waiting to do a big controversial medical based post, but I just didn't know what the best way of contextualizing it all would be. <br />
<br />
I was going to wait until I got some feedback, I was also going to post this as 2 separate posts... but you know what? It's May Day, and I mention Kaiser Permanente folk that went on strike, so that seems good enough of a connection to me! (Plus i'm going to take the next two days off, so maybe read this in stages? I don't know, i'm impulsive and I didn't sleep at all last last night.)<br />
<br />
So to begin, a "Full disclosure" was one of the pages from #ADHDGuideForByArtists version 1 (to keep me out of trouble):<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UBUD4JDS8lQ/XqurLirnT_I/AAAAAAAAMUM/Rkz0Z1wzYNIqRQaJUVhGbdyLfNSU7AfJACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/dont%2Bsue%2Bme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="989" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UBUD4JDS8lQ/XqurLirnT_I/AAAAAAAAMUM/Rkz0Z1wzYNIqRQaJUVhGbdyLfNSU7AfJACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/dont%2Bsue%2Bme.jpg" width="395" /></a></div>
<br />
I'm pretty sure I need some kind of disclosure because this was my favorite part of the rough draft of the 'Zine' (ADHD guide for/by Artists) that i think would probably keep it from wider publishing and distribution (because it's TOO useful):<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R3sR99OIbWg/Xqur311eaqI/AAAAAAAAMUc/vcesq2ebaLkyjbM8oEkTAcPLgK1UxlB2QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/WIP%2Bv0.02b.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R3sR99OIbWg/Xqur311eaqI/AAAAAAAAMUc/vcesq2ebaLkyjbM8oEkTAcPLgK1UxlB2QCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/WIP%2Bv0.02b.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm worried about transcribing everything that's on this page, so... if I find out it's totally legal to say all of this stuff, i'll definetely be updating this caption.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Unfortunately, I am not going to transcribe this like i normally would for access reasons, because that would make it too easily... google-able? So like Ubu-Web and Library Genesis, let's just keep a good thing going by not talking about Fight Club.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uqAusxlpmDY/Xqu-qKyGp8I/AAAAAAAAMVg/sKyeC1D65gQcgbImAZaY7njJWpq9KLWVwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Kaiser%2BHacks2_Page_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="985" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uqAusxlpmDY/Xqu-qKyGp8I/AAAAAAAAMVg/sKyeC1D65gQcgbImAZaY7njJWpq9KLWVwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Kaiser%2BHacks2_Page_2.jpg" width="394" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's the digital version, is cleaner better? Did I just want to show
it to you twice? I think I just wanted to show it to you twice, i'm
really proud of the information on this page. I've met more than a few
people that have avoided going to Kaiser for mental health reasons, so
hopefully this convinces you to PLEASE GO! Read my tips! Your mental
health is sooooo important even if these guys are flawed, there are WAYS
around it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Ok, let's just keep the controversy rolling shall we?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QXNAYqgB8jo/XqurgKrIzTI/AAAAAAAAMUU/BQOd3GFf484NtLWqnNyAFXYFPD7tzQykwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/WIP%2Bv0.01c%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QXNAYqgB8jo/XqurgKrIzTI/AAAAAAAAMUU/BQOd3GFf484NtLWqnNyAFXYFPD7tzQykwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/WIP%2Bv0.01c%2Bcopy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
This is what is really confusing me right now... <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I've kept trying to get my doc to agree to change my meds for the last 6 months because<br />
<br />
1. this is about to get really expensive without have a job (I even knew 6 months ago I would probably not have the same job/healthcare!)<br />
<br />
2. i want to try to get off of meds to maybe just one that can deal with Sensitive Rejection Dysphoria (yeah yeah yeah, it's not in the DSM, but emotional de-regulation isn't attached to ADHD and developmental trauma disorder isn't being considered either, so it looks like a crap shoot at the moment, plus i've got the time/consistency to try things out that i didn't have before.)<br />
<br />
3. i can't sleep well at all since he upped my dosage of Wellbutrin from 100mg to 200mg and i've been super irritable/agitated</blockquote>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nYfkdUGyazs/Xquzd27AhXI/AAAAAAAAMUo/RQO1LTFse-YhnF42UapXpbw1BglT-GaFwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_9608.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nYfkdUGyazs/Xquzd27AhXI/AAAAAAAAMUo/RQO1LTFse-YhnF42UapXpbw1BglT-GaFwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/IMG_9608.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you look in the blurry background there's 3 total different meds I've now been put on. BUT before that all happened i felt like a genius, i said to my doc that i want to be able to go down from 10 mg to 5 mg of Adderall, so i was prescribed 15 mg in 5 mg doses that i then would be able to order as a 90-day supply. When i usually keep it at 5 mg, that means i've got like a 210 day supply, that cost me $30! So to compare, with my new healthcare, i'll definitely hit my $300 deductible for a 30 day supply... thats like... at least 10X more expensive? See more fun figures at the bottom if you want to know how I figured all that crap out... it took 2 whole days of lots of phone calls to get a straight answer of "how much more $$$ am i about to spend to get the same amount of care?" P.S. Do not get COBRA if you're not sure especially because no one will tell you that YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT even if you realize too late it's super expensive and therefore not the right plan for you since you'd qualify for Covered CA. Where is this very important advice supposed to go????</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
so what did my doc do? he increased my dosage of Wellbutrin (it's a stimulant, i just said that i'm having trouble sleeping???) and then he prescribed Seroquel, because I guess secondary and tertiary meds are a totally normal thing?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Tangent, this is my not-great analogy, but i made myself laugh, I feel like this is what I was just prescribed: </i>"and lastly... take this dog to take care of the cats that we got to take care of the mice. Since you asked we originally starting using mice because of their useful side effect which is that their poo makes YOU immediately want to clean EVERY surface, so we've called it the "clean mouse program" and you end up with a super clean house. Also another added side affect of the dog program, it doubles as security, and will force you to be more disciplined. All of this will only change your lifestyle a little bit, so we're recommending starting with 2 cats, most people take up to 5 cats, but we'll cross that bridge if we have to. Would you like these cats from a breeder or these generic ones we just found outside for free? Let us know immediately if the cats are not working out for whatever reason, but... i mean, that's what the dogs are for."</span></blockquote>
<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9CDp22r5UgI/Xqu-mRI5xTI/AAAAAAAAMVY/Jz6tTmOmMFsIrs84S6Ox4DDH3-UGwMzagCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/more%2Binfo%2Bneeded2_Page_2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1018" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9CDp22r5UgI/Xqu-mRI5xTI/AAAAAAAAMVY/Jz6tTmOmMFsIrs84S6Ox4DDH3-UGwMzagCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/more%2Binfo%2Bneeded2_Page_2.jpg" width="404" /></a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.canopycanopycanopy.com/contents/letter-to-a-young-doctor">(Note to self: Hedva's Letter to a Young Doctor is MUCH more appropriate in this context, this is just a neat little placeholder)</a><br />
<br />
I'm STILL going to see the meds through, I'm still going to give it a chance over the next few weeks. I made sure to ask A TON of questions (what happens if i can't afford it anymore, what would 'going cold turkey' be like?) But it turns out (according to the Body Keeps the Score) these aren't the most important questions:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">All related Excerpts From: Bessel van der Kolk MD. “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.”</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“The drug
revolution that started out with so much promise may in the end have done as
much harm as good. <b>The theory that mental illness is caused primarily by
chemical imbalances in the brain that can be corrected by specific drugs has
become broadly accepted, by the media and the public as well as by the medical
profession.</b></span><span style="font-size: 5.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt;">22
</span><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In many
places drugs have displaced therapy and enabled patients to suppress their
problems... ...</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">After conducting numerous studies of medications for PTSD, I have come
to realize that psychiatric medications have a serious downside, <b>as they may
deflect attention from dealing with the underlying issues.</b> The
brain-disease model takes control over people’s fate out of their own hands and
puts doctors and insurance companies in charge of fixing their problems.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Over the past three
decades psychiatric medications have become a mainstay in our culture, with
dubious consequences. Consider the case of antidepressants. If they were indeed
as effective as we have been led to believe, depression should by now have
become a minor issue in our society. Instead, even as antidepressant use
continues to increase, it has not made a dent in hospital admissions for
depression. The number of people treated for depression has tripled over the
past two decades, and one in ten Americans now take antidepressants.</span><span style="font-size: 5.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt;">24</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“The new generation
of antipsychotics, such as Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and <b>Seroquel</b>,
are the top-selling drugs in the United States. In 2012 the public spent
$1,526,228,000 on Abilify, more than on any other medication. Number three was
Cymbalta, an antidepressant that sold well over a billion dollars’ worth of
pills,</span><span style="font-size: 5.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt;">25</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> even though it has never
been shown to be superior to older antidepressants like Prozac, for which <b>much
cheaper generics are available</b>.”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“All too often,
however, drugs such as Abilify, Zyprexa, and <b>Seroquel</b>,<b> are prescribed
instead of teaching people the skills to deal with such distressing physical
reactions. Of course, medications only blunt sensations and do nothing to resolve
them or transform them from toxic agents into allies.</b>”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“I sometimes give
my patients low doses of benzodiazepines to use as needed, but not enough to
take on a daily basis. <b>They have to choose when to use up their precious
supply, and I ask them to keep a diary of what was going on when they decided
to take the pill. That gives us a chance to discuss the specific incidents that
triggered them.</b>”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Mainstream trauma
treatment has paid scant attention to helping terrified people to safely
experience their sensations and emotions. Medications such as serotonin
reuptake blockers, Respiridol and <b>Seroquel increasingly have taken the place
of helping people to deal with their sensory world.</b></span><span style="font-size: 5.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt;">28</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> <b>However, the most
natural way that we humans calm down our distress is by being touched, hugged,
and rocked.”</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Antipsychotic
medications such as Risperdal, Abilify, or Seroquel can significantly dampen
the emotional brain and thus make patients less skittish or enraged, <b>but
they also may interfere with being able to appreciate subtle signals of
pleasure, danger, or satisfaction.</b> They also cause weight gain, increase
the chance of developing diabetes, and make patients physically inert, which is
likely to further increase their sense of alienation. These drugs are widely
used to treat abused children who are inappropriately diagnosed with bipolar
disorder or mood dysregulation disorder. More than half a million children and
adolescents in America are now taking antipsychotic drugs, which may calm them
down but also interfere with learning age-appropriate skills and developing
friendships with other children.</span><span style="font-size: 5.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt;">60</span><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">”</span></blockquote>
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It really seems to me that when it comes to an ADHD diagnosis, there's this huge divide between WHEN someone was prescribed medications. Actually, medications aside, it really seems that those who were diagnosed as children (and maybe got an IEP or a 504 or... something) and those who were diagnosed later in life, like in their 30s, have such vastly different views of how to 'take care' of ADHD. For me personally, i'd never really looked into the label, and was actually put on Adderall but not explicitly told that it is for ADHD, weird huh? When i did finally look into #TimeBlindness something finally clicked and sooo much made depressing sense. <br />
<br />
but for anyone who was diagnosed when they were younger and therefore put on meds as a child... yeah that is terrible. i feel like i am 'out' as someone with adhd, and people tend to seem meek about admitting that they have a doctor that put them on Adderall, but to a kid, that label is utterly life defining, and that's a travesty.<br />
<br />
i'm not going to say that it's all a big pharma conspiracy, because i think most conspiracies are a slippery slope into ignorance, BUT i can imagine why there's such a huge pushback on meds, and the preference to run for 3 hours straight every day instead of meds, or to avoid all medications all together and just feel all of the feelings, despite how difficult it will be.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
As one friend put it (not even related to meds actually) how do these kids have a sense of self to even know how to separate themselves from a diagnosis (or to know what they're supposed to be feeling?)</blockquote>
<br />
If a kid is rambunctious and an adult has the power to get a medication that can slow that tyke down, there is a power imbalance there that likely will not go unchecked because it could be prescribed by a teacher, by a guardian, by the state... unfortunately, the most avid non-prescription/medication folk are... Scientologists, so i'm somewhere in between. <br />
<br />
What mostly bums me out is that my meds generally make me feel like I can be a bare-minimum level of productive, but that should definetely send some alarm bells, it did to me, and it seems like an obvious trap. Why? Because what i consider the bare-minimum level of productivity is INSANE (just look at this whole post), so i'll definitely be working on feeling feelings rather than helping... whoever gains the most from me working myself to death. <br />
<br />
This is where i'm suppose to say "because Capitalism" right? Capitalism wants me to work to death, and before meds, I was just bad at Capitalism... i was always late, could only be goal oriented towards seemingly useless stuff that only interested me... the two ways i think i couldn't possibly get away from Capitalism were the impulsive purchases/money decisions, and the fact that if i use my hyperfocus for 'productivity' and for competitive gains over others, i am the problem.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-su-BmbG4irs/Xqu-pzJpUAI/AAAAAAAAMVc/ypW1dIr89GwfIwWi8rUR6ZqecIeY4s8QQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Kaiser%2BHacks2_Page_1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="989" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-su-BmbG4irs/Xqu-pzJpUAI/AAAAAAAAMVc/ypW1dIr89GwfIwWi8rUR6ZqecIeY4s8QQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Kaiser%2BHacks2_Page_1.jpg" width="394" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
So this is another big reason I want there to be a robust ADHD Guide that can show a bigger picture that can speak to this major gap between where medical information is right now, and all of the holistic stuff that isn't taken seriously. <br />
<br />
Although even the holistic stuff rests somewhere between many ideas from many cultures/ways of doing somatic therapies, of how to make the unconscious conscious, of how its best to become self-aware but without any instructions (i.e. meditation, talk therapy), and it also includes... the cultural appropriation of that white Sikh guy in Beverly Hills with his super expensive prescriptions (and he doesn't take insurance btw). <br />
<br />
I think we're all still waiting for the day that 'alternative medicine' is no longer allowed to be seen as subservient to the larger medical industry in the states. I know that I have a lot to unlearn because it's so common to hear about holistic methods described in a dismissive tone (especially somatic ones.) I've been told by a PT at Kaiser that "sure i <i>could</i> point you in the direction of acupuncture, but it's just a placebo..." (then why would it be covered by insurance) i've asked 3 times and still haven't really been pointed in the right direction. I think it's easy to be skeptical if you ever have come across those advertisements that say things like "this acupuncture will make you lucky, rich and happy", it's as real as experts in Feng Shui. <br />
<br />
And then there are my own experiences... like the time that i was the only person to show up to a yoga class at the Yand afterwards was 'reiki'd' and it was just... weird. Or the time I was told that people with ADHD are empaths (and can therefore read people's emotions/minds)<br />
<br />
So please do share with me your stories of "real" energy work, not the stories where you know someone who can talk to animals. I want to know that science and magical things can and do exist, <i>i.e. look at these brain scans that show that these ideal parent
meditations totally made this person much less anxious in 6 months, and
we tracked all types of people from all types of backgrounds over a 20
year span, and tons of control variables in place...</i>and i want to know your philosophy of what care/health/wellness/a good death means. <br />
<br />
I should add, that there are plenty of battles going on in the healthcare world as well. There's a chance that Bessel van der Kolk and Russell Barkley may have to duke it out one day if Barkley gets his way in the DSM-5.5 and there gets to be only 2 types of ADHD, one with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (aka Psychopaths) and ADD without ODD (90% of people with ADHD), or we may end up with Bessel van der Kolk's broader description where ADHD is not a necessary label because his research has lead him to the much simpler 'Developmental Trauma Disorder'. But alas, both will depend on convincing stalwart clinicians/psychologists who hold so much sway over the DSM. <a href="https://narratively.com/nick-brown-smelled-bull/">Which you'd hope would be easier to do than it actually is... check out the guy who tried to debunk Positive Psychology</a>. van der Kolk's simplification would kindof match what one of my therapists says; that ADHD is an over-hyped as a term, it's all just different aspects of anxiety & depression and that meds should only be used in service of feeling feelings.<br />
<br />
So this is where the debate about "Does ADHD exist" gets pretty complicated. In the end, I don't want to be arguing about semantics. I want to be able to parse out what helps me achieve my personal goals and what am I doing to just seem 'normal'... to me there couldn't be a bigger difference. Kindof like the difference between someone being spiritual and someone going to church to pray the gay away. <br />
<br />
All of this also makes me think about how humans always keep categorizing things to its finest... made up... details. (see: hierarchy)<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Il8sQLSweWY/Xqu-mVVqhLI/AAAAAAAAMVU/PCMhVAD-5-IDReOhJLmgytds2XopaJaxACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/more%2Binfo%2Bneeded2_Page_1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1427" data-original-width="907" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Il8sQLSweWY/Xqu-mVVqhLI/AAAAAAAAMVU/PCMhVAD-5-IDReOhJLmgytds2XopaJaxACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/more%2Binfo%2Bneeded2_Page_1.jpg" width="406" /></a><br />
Hopefully i haven't freaked you out about how much work seems necessary to make sure you've 'got the upper hand' on all of the medical sides of ADHD, but i think you can't separate it from all of the cultural specificities of what makes it a disorder in the first place.<br />
<br />
I do also think it'd be great if i can help some people out so that unlike me, you don't have to go through ALL of this. <br />
<br />
Lastly on the medical front, according to my calculations, I'll be going from paying about $2,808 in
healthcare costs up to $6,264 for the exact same care. So I've just found out that it would be cheapest to get the Kaiser <b>Platinum</b> Plan?!?, that just seems
kindof shocking to me. So to keep things easier, I'm going to try to do
less meds, less therapy and stick with the <b>Silver </b>Plan... you can check out the numbers below (or not, it's pretty intimidating), or you can ignore all of that and just think about what you may need to figure out if you lost your job/health insurance. Hint: None of it is fun or gratifying. Thankfully we're all different, so I can't say ANYTHING for sure! But what shouldn't change, is that your care/costs should not be based on how privileged you are to be able to understand, breakdown into smaller chunks, and wade through, all of this information...<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One of my friends said that 80% of what you pay into healthcare doesn't actually go to your care (citation NEEDED)</blockquote>
If you'd like a copy of this excel spreadsheet to use as a calculator to plan for the whole year, hit me up, but you'll need to know how much your meds cost. Also mine includes seeing a therapist outside of what Kaiser offers so... i don't know if I'd ever meet my deductible with a super bill, but i know it's something to keep in mind. Ok, now i'm going to bed.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JP9LkVP4d4w/Xqu668_GEeI/AAAAAAAAMU0/GcHyaHGD8NgCSPlMPqYdSDA5gXgWtXrGQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-04-30%2Bat%2B10.30.06%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="393" data-original-width="763" height="328" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JP9LkVP4d4w/Xqu668_GEeI/AAAAAAAAMU0/GcHyaHGD8NgCSPlMPqYdSDA5gXgWtXrGQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-04-30%2Bat%2B10.30.06%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a><br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dhRgYdOKuSI/Xqu69R-b5mI/AAAAAAAAMU4/bfIsUY5t6q4B8po5Tvmkp2vPhFNjM-LQgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-04-30%2Bat%2B10.30.42%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="395" data-original-width="725" height="348" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dhRgYdOKuSI/Xqu69R-b5mI/AAAAAAAAMU4/bfIsUY5t6q4B8po5Tvmkp2vPhFNjM-LQgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2020-04-30%2Bat%2B10.30.42%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a><br />
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-56041950532431975972020-04-30T07:30:00.002-07:002021-02-08T22:38:00.303-08:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 9<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Precise Words (Terminology) are important.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>“Crip”</b></span> is a word used by many people in disabled communities as a fuck-you, in-your-face reclaimed word, short for cripple—similar to how queers have reclaimed the word “queer.” Not everyone likes it or uses it; people have complex feeling about it, and it’s not great for abled people to use it. Leroy Moore coined the term “Krip” to avoid using a term that also is the name of the Crip gang/street economic organization.”<br />
<i>Excerpt From: Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. “Care Work.” (p. 105) </i><br /><br /><u>More definitions that were kindof on 'repeat' from doing a year and a half of weekly talk therapy with a Mr. Berger:</u><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"> <br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aaNFy2Cb2PM/YCIsHxdx4RI/AAAAAAAANRA/u2EQ5_7guR4ZX0a5v42QVxZD-8Jgrt4jQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2041/therapist-isms%2528final%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2041" data-original-width="1261" height="750" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aaNFy2Cb2PM/YCIsHxdx4RI/AAAAAAAANRA/u2EQ5_7guR4ZX0a5v42QVxZD-8Jgrt4jQCLcBGAsYHQ/w464-h750/therapist-isms%2528final%2529.jpg" width="464" /></a></div><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Image text reads: A Therapist-ism Glossary, What is... Anxiety: the surge of feelings that rise up against being pushed down, Depression: pushing down feelings, usually when trying to be productive, Healthy: This is a paradox. It involves increasing your ability to feel, less hopelessness, being more self-aware, less neurotic, probably more grounded in reality, but these are not the goals in and of themselves,(i.e. you may know that it’s important to feel warm and safe, but you don’t become healthy by pursuing warmth & safety), Normal: whatever childhood looked like to you when growing up, Personality: something you develop to protect yourself, especially from feelings that are too painful to feel on your own, Talk Therapy: mental health care in which someone (usually trained in psychotherapy) helps you to feel feelings that are too painful to feel on your own. The goal is to reduce anxiety and depression so that you don’t end up losing 20 years of life to some kind of addiction (whatever it is that you do to avoid painful feelings)</span></i><br /><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Some people believe that if we say 'negative' words we are more likely to make negative things come true, and the same logic would apply to 'positive' words. Although there are no 'positive' or 'negative' emotions, Jodorowsky found it important to have his own version of 'Politically Correct' ways of speaking, which is to say, "Intellectually Correct":<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z7ZQUyn5mf0/XqqGMeWs0tI/AAAAAAAAMTA/9qxlc4Um4Gkn0IJ9HNfPPkjITaUyNc0NwCEwYBhgL/s1600/intelectualmente%2Bcorrecto.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1246" data-original-width="1086" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z7ZQUyn5mf0/XqqGMeWs0tI/AAAAAAAAMTA/9qxlc4Um4Gkn0IJ9HNfPPkjITaUyNc0NwCEwYBhgL/s640/intelectualmente%2Bcorrecto.jpg" width="556" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Image Text Reads: “Intelectualmente Correcto” from lessons for Mutant, "Psychomagic" by Alejandro Jodorosky <br />
very
few times instead of never, <br />often instead of always <br />someone who took
something that belongs to someone else instead of thief, <br />unknown expanse
instead of infinite <br />incomprehensable time instead of eternal, <br />you show
me how to learn from myself instead of you are my teacher, <br />I am being
ineffective instead of I want to do, <br />I reject what I am instead of I
want to be, <br />allow me to take instead of give me, <br />I do not respect you
instead of imitate me, <br />the being with whom I share my life instead of my
wife/husband/partner, <br />what I have been given to do instead of my work, <br />I perceive you
this way instead of you are like this, <br />what I have now instead of mine,
<br />to change form instead of die <br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><br />
to be each day less confused instead of Decision <br />
to be each day less cowardly instead of Bravery <br />
to be each time less dumb instead of Intelligence <br />
to be each day less anxious instead of Happiness <br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><br />
I
continue instead of I begin, <br />I feel good instead of Beautiful day,
<br />Change activity instead of to fail, <br />I believe instead of I know, <br />I am
responsible instead of I am to blame</i></span></td></tr>
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If you like this work that i'm compiling, please consider becoming a subscriber on <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon.com/cedrictai</a><br />
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-48968090387355829672020-04-29T23:59:00.000-07:002020-04-30T05:15:24.332-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 8<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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i was going to post more new things, but i found some old diagram-like things i had made previously, including one specifically for ADHD:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qe2ceQfIC1c/XqqHtKKnBqI/AAAAAAAAMTg/BS8xihplmhUkU0QL_r_mCStWJQB8CHNzwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/russell%2Bbarkley%2Brules%2Bfor%2Bchanging%2Bthe%2Baction%2Bcopy%2B%2528smaller%2Bfor%2Bblog%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1128" data-original-width="520" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qe2ceQfIC1c/XqqHtKKnBqI/AAAAAAAAMTg/BS8xihplmhUkU0QL_r_mCStWJQB8CHNzwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/russell%2Bbarkley%2Brules%2Bfor%2Bchanging%2Bthe%2Baction%2Bcopy%2B%2528smaller%2Bfor%2Bblog%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is mostly text and it includes an image of a cartoon woman putting a hand to her thinking face with this text: Dr. Russell A. Barkley’s rules for changing the situation well enough<br />
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to reduce how handicapped or disabled you will be within it.<br />
Rule 1: STOP THE ACTION, with a simple action to stave off the urge to act. Do this instead: Silently say, “well, let me think about that”, Put your hand over your mouth, paraphrase what was just said to you outloud, Roleplay being a slowed down character (i.e. Winnie the Pooh)<br />
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Rule 2: SEE THE PAST… AND THEN THE FUTURE: turn on an imaginary visual device (the mind’s eye) (there's a picture of the Meseeks from Rick and Morty, icons of a person being filmed while they go down the stairs with a laptop in one hand, an image of two people looking over expensive bills and a broken laptop and an image of an icon at the top of a mountain with a backpack on)<br />
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Lock onto the image of: Your favorite scene from a TV show (including miming turning it on with a remote), Imagine yourself on the same screen, in a very similar situation. What happened last time? Elaborate on every detail and action, Photo/draw/find an image representing “Do” also do the same that represents “Don’t”</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z4IexJNwayw/Xqp2rcugtRI/AAAAAAAAMSs/RSyVoLitftopW3hNWLCerBFZbLWyKI76QCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/The%2BMartyre%2Bvs%2Bthe%2BTrickster.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Excerpt From: Elizabeth Gilbert's “Big Magic.”<br />
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(reject) [The Martyr] vs. (embrace) -The Trickster-<br />
[kidnapped and is holding creativity hostage]<br />
-where creativity was born- <br />
[Dark] [Solemn] [Macho] [Hierarchical] [Fundamentalist] [Austere] [Unforgiving] [profoundly Rigid]<br />
-Light- - Sly - - Transgender - -Animist- - Seditious- -Primal- -and endlessly Shape-shifting-<br />
<br />
[I will sacrifice everything to fight this unwinnable war, even if it means being crushed to death under a wheel of torment.] -Okay, you enjoy that! As for me, I’ll be over here in this corner, running a successful little black market operation on the side of your unwinnable war.-<br />
[Life is pain.] -Life is interesting.-<br />
[The system is rigged against all that is good and sacred.] -There is no system, everything is good, and nothing is sacred.-<br />
<br />
[Nobody will ever understand me.] -Pick a card, any card!-<br />
[The world can never be solved.] -Perhaps not. . . but it can be gamed.-<br />
[Through my torment, the truth shall be revealed.] -I didn't come here to suffer, pal.-<br />
[Death before dishonor!] -Let's make a deal.-<br />
In the end… Martyr always ends up dead in a heap of broken glory, while Trickster trots off to enjoy another day. <br />
<br />
Martyr: Sir Thomas Moore, Trickster: Bugs Bunny<br />
<br />
[the Martyr TRUSTS pain, fear and anguish in the process, being alone, that ideas are defenseless, babies]<br />
<br />
-the Trickster TRUSTS him / herself / themselves / itself, his own cunning, her right to be here, their ability to land on their feet, the universe-</td></tr>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-47981237053887800822020-04-28T20:48:00.003-07:002020-04-28T21:56:36.414-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
ok, well this is as far as i got today: <br />
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9XZ5f2vXJQY/Xqj1hfmERnI/AAAAAAAAMRw/IIQkDTqiysENSrZHSIEpQqqP8c_m9d-5ACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/i%2Brepeat.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9XZ5f2vXJQY/Xqj1hfmERnI/AAAAAAAAMRw/IIQkDTqiysENSrZHSIEpQqqP8c_m9d-5ACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/i%2Brepeat.jpg" width="400" /></a></span><br />
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iu7TqGELs70/Xqj1h9C4tgI/AAAAAAAAMR0/Dh8WLf8hFcwBJy3IjBH-_DJqM2PADToqACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/your%2Bonly%2Bjob1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iu7TqGELs70/Xqj1h9C4tgI/AAAAAAAAMR0/Dh8WLf8hFcwBJy3IjBH-_DJqM2PADToqACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/your%2Bonly%2Bjob1.jpg" width="400" /></a></span><br />
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These are just a handful of the "therapist-isms" from 2 years of talk therapy (much of it weekly) where i would hear the same thing over and over and still manage to forget them... </div>
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Often, i don’t want to go to therapy, he says, “Good!”, <br />"maybe next time i can get you to be angry”… <br />this guy…
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<br />DAE have a relationship like this? <br />Although, i disagree with his politics a lot, <br />i must say it was absolutely effective at getting rid of my panic attacks. <br />If you hang out with me enough you might even hear me parroting some of this stuff, <br />it's simple, just not actually easy.</div>
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Next post will be either a glossary of terms or maybe i'll just try out some different designs where text is just big and bold. </div>
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I’m not quite sure yet if it would go near the front (most clear info) or the back (most existential info), but i must say, without the goal of making a pocket-guide/zine about ADHD that i wish existed, it would have never occurred to have organized all of my notes from those years and to have them closer at hand. </div>
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So if you think that i've got a good idea going... please consider joining <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon.com/cedrictai</a>.</div>
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[Image says in big letters,
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your only job is to feel things.<br />
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around that is the text: therapist-isms
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(making the unconscious conscious,
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towards less depression & anxiety)
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instead of trying to be “happy”…
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instead of thinking that you’re “special”…
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instead of saying, “everyone’s doing their best”…
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instead of hoping that somehow, someone else will apologize…
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All of us, all of the time, are unconsciously doing whatever we can to try to get away from feeling painful feelings.
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-60178322396785908762020-04-27T23:59:00.000-07:002020-04-28T20:49:34.936-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 6<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h2 style="-en-clipboard: true;">
<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HbEKmyDRpQM/Xqj19cB9YFI/AAAAAAAAMSQ/-ElkNgmFzE4JNFPb1pS2OSlHVtVVuHIQACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2holdon%2Basec.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HbEKmyDRpQM/Xqj19cB9YFI/AAAAAAAAMSQ/-ElkNgmFzE4JNFPb1pS2OSlHVtVVuHIQACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/2holdon%2Basec.jpg" width="320" /></a></span><br /><br />A personal example of time-blindness
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">(i apologize in advance for not typing out everything that will be in the images, i will get to it!)</span></div>
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I didn’t intend to actually put this online, since it was just the usual thought process that hit a dead end and was about to disappear into the ether. But i just wanted to see how long it would actually take to write every tangent, follow every lily pad hopping thought out in its entirety.</div>
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Everything below actually ran through my head at "regular speed”, so honestly I’d say it felt like 5-15 seconds of 'zoning out’? My brain probably did a lot of short-hand, but all the content really was there. I’m not elaborating, just transcribing. Once i could see it all written from afar, it was fascinating, and Rach said "oh my god, that's insane." so i'm glad i at least intuited that this might be an entertaining way to reveal my #neurodivergent mind at work for better or worse.
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mKKMR0yjJTw/Xqfb7Nl_l8I/AAAAAAAAMQE/ca_7YeakGhYd3TLs0152xUe_YeIJZziVgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_9478.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1540" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mKKMR0yjJTw/Xqfb7Nl_l8I/AAAAAAAAMQE/ca_7YeakGhYd3TLs0152xUe_YeIJZziVgCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/IMG_9478.JPG" width="383" /></a><br />
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;"><br />[fantasy starts with me at a podium giving a lecture]</span></div>
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<span style="-en-paragraph: true;">''hi my name is cedric tai and my talk is about the politics of ADHD, my art & disability (social) justice. If i could turn your attention to these diagrams... this is the clearest way i can explain my </span><span style="-en-paragraph: true;">dilemma:''</span></div>
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<ul>
<li>and then i remembered the advice someone said they got from their therapist, that they were tasked with doing 'nothing' since they already work so hard, </li>
<li>and then i remembered my therapist saying, your only job is to feel things, don't forget to feel sad, and then i remembered a friend saying that all of this work won't be for naught, even if it doesn't make sense right now,</li>
<li>and then i remembered that my therapist said, what good is it to have something you're not doing? <br /><br />so i stopped worrying about trying to worry on top of it all. </li>
</ul>
i'm not quite sure what my transcribed daydream has to do with my
adhd guide for/by artists, but i think it has to do with noticing my own
thoughts, being more conscious of them, turning something mundane and
vulnerable into the curiosity that it actually is. <br />
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</ul>
So, i guess, as long as i'm not using this post to avoid feeling feelings that are too painful to feel, then... whatever? <span data-offset-key="bk87f-0-0"><span data-text="true">This thought to be continued in the next post...<br /></span></span><br />
Quick note, friends have been talking about how we’re going to try checking in on each other more/better, so yeah, posting something everyday is rough, But thanks for checkin in!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon.com/cedrictai</a></div>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-83984000792936760962020-04-26T16:08:00.002-07:002020-04-26T16:08:46.306-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 5<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span data-text="true">What is this project? Aren't there already ADHD resources?</span></div>
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<span data-text="true">i wanted to have a place i could put all of my research so i created</span><span data-text="true"> <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">a Patreon page</a>:</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--DwfpCZ7o3c/XqTiAlkmxeI/AAAAAAAAMOg/Xgb9G_5wPQUcaW5-Dmg5dMM-f0xnro9KACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/why%2Bstart%2Ba%2BPatreon%2B%25282%2Bdiagrams%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="465" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--DwfpCZ7o3c/XqTiAlkmxeI/AAAAAAAAMOg/Xgb9G_5wPQUcaW5-Dmg5dMM-f0xnro9KACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/why%2Bstart%2Ba%2BPatreon%2B%25282%2Bdiagrams%2529.jpg" /></a><br />
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<span data-text="true"></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true"><br />[Image #1 shows a triple Venn Diagram overlaps and reads</span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-1"><span data-text="true"> social justice, ADHD, </span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-2" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">and</span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-3"><span data-text="true"> art practice. </span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-4" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">In the center it's got</span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-5"><span data-text="true"> you and me</span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-6" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">]</span></span><span data-offset-key="drvik-0-7"><span data-text="true"></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="a82dm-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Image #2 shows another triple Venn Diagram, which of course we all know is named after Thomas Venn, Lebanese mathematician. Who is actually reading these? Anyways moving on...]</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="4oigo-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[There's a red-ish circle that contains the words]</span></span><span data-offset-key="4oigo-0-1"><span data-text="true">: </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="a5ese-0-0"><span data-text="true">ADDitudes, ADHD Community, alien comics and DENSE CLINICAL INFORMATION. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="cnmq6-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Around the perimeter in red it reads]</span></span><span data-offset-key="cnmq6-0-1"><span data-text="true">: skews towards diagnosis & anecdotes, usually thrives online</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8ls5h-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[There's a green circle that contains the words]</span></span><span data-offset-key="8ls5h-0-1"><span data-text="true">: </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5pqjf-0-0"><span data-text="true">feminist, care work </span></span><span data-offset-key="5pqjf-0-1" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[which is a book]</span></span><span data-offset-key="975l9-0-0"><span data-text="true">, anti-capitalist, disability justice, </span></span><span data-offset-key="akrma-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[and most of the word]</span></span><span data-offset-key="akrma-0-1"><span data-text="true"> 'intersectionality'. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="e2e3c-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Around the perimeter in green it reads]</span></span><span data-offset-key="e2e3c-0-1"><span data-text="true">: skews towards academia & policy, usually thrives in books </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fjro7-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Between those two circles in tan are the words]:</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5gpkq-0-0"><span data-text="true">Pride, 'krip' (crip) time, and neurodiversity. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fso8n-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[and at the bottom is a blue circle that has the text:]</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="9lm3c-0-0"><span data-text="true">what i don't yet understand but i want to WITH people, and perhaps an artist is someone that finishes things (as opposed to just talking or thinking about it) but also gets away with a lot. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7ne3v-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Around the perimeter in blue it reads:]</span></span><span data-offset-key="7ne3v-0-1"><span data-text="true"> skews towards whatever is free, usually thrives on intuition.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="aos79-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Where it overlaps with the green circle it says]</span></span><span data-offset-key="aos79-0-1"><span data-text="true">: supporting friends & ourselves right now in the world </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="aos79-0-1"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fkq4h-0-0"><span data-text="true">In the very center, a bold yellow color, it reads, </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5bqut-0-0"><span data-text="true">questioning productivity, How do we all become less precarious?, <i>& </i>what can we do together?</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5b3jc-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Lastly in the overlap between the red and the blue, it says]</span></span><span data-offset-key="5b3jc-0-1"><span data-text="true"> PATREON </span></span><span data-offset-key="5b3jc-0-2" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[in their very specific, brand-approved font/logo.]</span></span><span data-offset-key="5b3jc-0-3"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcngl-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[Below the diagram it reads]:</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8toh5-0-0"><span data-text="true">in this diagram i am the blue circle, and the reddest circle are the good folk raising ADHD awareness online, and in the green are the queer, radical, analytical, unapologetic, policy pushing, political, intellectual, anti-neoliberal, witchy, POC badasses; whose writings we pass among ourselves... dreaming </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="c6ukg-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[in grey italics it reads]:</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3u21p-0-0"><span data-text="true">but i feel like i’m always missing something... like I’d need a PhD to get all the theory, and on the other hand, all of the popular notions we have of ADHD are built upon the research of a few old white male experts... Or rather, I’d like to point out: </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="d6nc6-0-0"><span data-text="true">Is the information they provide for those with ‘Time-Blindness’ actually accessible? </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="6p3i1-0-0"><span data-text="true">They think so.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7ggid-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[it goes on...]</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3s5eo-0-0"><span data-text="true">i keep thinking about that overlap in the middle... where art is made to question, (not only illustrate,) the complexities raised by Intention Deficit Disorder, </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8ukul-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true">[it looks like the guy ran out of room to fit the word Disorder... it's just jammed in there.]</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="f1epk-0-0"><span data-text="true">where we “question the maps & models of the universe;” [a snippet of a quote credited to brain pickings]</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3ms8f-0-0"><span data-text="true">as it could form the basis for an ADHD Guide for/by Artists.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bl1mq-0-0"><span data-text="true">I think that alone is a project worth your support, but I’ll also be exploring these two questions out loud: </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="4rr7f-0-0"><span data-text="true">What is the relationship between ADHD and being an artist (using my own practice as a starting point)? </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fskp7-0-0"><span data-text="true">And could ADHD symptoms illuminate and even confront Capitalism, where those with the disorder who fail to meet its demands find solidarity?</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="em9ra-0-0" style="font-style: italic;"><span data-text="true"><span style="font-size: large;">And all of those diagrams were based on when i finished a conversation with <a href="https://www.amaraleipzig.com/">Amara Leipzig</a> and felt inspired to jot down the following:</span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dYUtZYSpXi4/XqYRsJs-3nI/AAAAAAAAMPQ/NsZ1s_Nk_tglg6W8lQNhP9EWm11YzZP4wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/%2528more%2Bclear%2Bbut%2Bnot%2Bclear%2529%2BVen%2BDiagram%2Bof%2BPatreon%2528smaller%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1191" data-original-width="1000" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dYUtZYSpXi4/XqYRsJs-3nI/AAAAAAAAMPQ/NsZ1s_Nk_tglg6W8lQNhP9EWm11YzZP4wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/%2528more%2Bclear%2Bbut%2Bnot%2Bclear%2529%2BVen%2BDiagram%2Bof%2BPatreon%2528smaller%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of my notes: Text that is not already included in the other diagrams: At the bottom it reads in different colors: ALL CIRCLES EXIST IN MULTITUDES NOT MONOLITHIC, Differences (Between ADHD advocates online and QTBIPOC): The way the latter pre-includes ADHD giving us fancy words like "neurodiversity" instead of "empath" so there's not just authority but a base of social justice rather than individuality to rely on. They have a plan, intellectuals, multiple authors, a history of fighting for everyone. Solution oriented? Then on the side it reads Social Justice Advocates: Badasses Pure and simple, This probably exists but isn't stated so plainly, it's perhaps where "disability" as an ableist concept doens't really exist. I want to meet you! = ADHD advocates online/Social Justice Advocates overlapping area, "Hello Brains!" The beginning of most people's journey: Diagnosis on one's terms --> relief --> opening up. Things that sure "exist" but what if I want to "question our maps & models of the universe? What if it's not quite accessible = ADHD advocates online, The very center is marked as "The grey area where I will be i anyone needs me.", I'm hesistant to only "prove" my membership. But maybe in this place people (including myself) feel free to speculate, not worry about perfect but DONE, what I love is that this is where art inadvertently gets made. Lastly, the bubble representing me (which later turned into representing an artistic approach) reads: i am this bubble. i am "pathologically curious", i also identify as he, him, his, artist - educator -friend, i have "time blindness", from an upper-middle-class white suburban upbringing, i may be undergoing a lot of change very soon, but in the meantime having time for my own projects is LONG OVERDUE, i love to dance, make and talk about art, i love analyzing movies and talking about the ideas with people...]</td></tr>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-25778220380503377212020-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:002020-05-14T09:28:38.403-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 4<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x9a-it5RVR0/XqPvakm5pSI/AAAAAAAAMOA/8s3w_pgo7vIRmD678AsLfEcUDFL9206igCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/TextOverBlueFade2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x9a-it5RVR0/XqPvakm5pSI/AAAAAAAAMOA/8s3w_pgo7vIRmD678AsLfEcUDFL9206igCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/TextOverBlueFade2.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">You can kindof tell just by looking at the banner of <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">the patreon page</a>, what my floor looks like!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">i told myself that Post #4 should be the post that would include all of the resources that i liked (but also to make it a quick reference point for myself), and they<i> technically </i>are in here, they're just at the very bottom of this post as a 'caption'. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">i also thought that it looked like i've been typing too much in these blog posts... so i tried to see if scanning my writing would work better? See, i had this clever idea of trying to only have to write/type everything out <i>once</i>, then posting a picture of that brainstorming session. It would cut the amount of work i try to do in half! but of course, it all depends on how the experiment goes...</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">this wasn't out of laziness mind you, it's just that once i identify an obstacle, if i don't come up with <i>something </i>to deal with it<i>, </i>i know it'll compound until i subconsciously avoid doing/finishing the whole thing altogether. So even though my erratic handwriting might not quite be up to snuff, all the basic info i felt necessary to get out, is all in here. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">And i did re-write one of them (can you tell which one?) because there was enough scratched out things, smudged corrections, and running out of room that it warranted a total do over... (and i think it still looks too messy...)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">If you've got the ability to support this project, you'd really be giving me that external boost i usually need to finish things properly, to follow things to their conclusion. Your presence will be giving me the encouragement i need to keep the whole project from running off the rails. Oh accountability how you do wonders! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">So please do consider becoming a subcriber on <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">patreon.com/cedrictai</a>... in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out how to make things as legible as possible.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GfdMETffiYM/XqPpnR9_ZII/AAAAAAAAMNo/1clKmXX2pzgiNx_Rsi7etoYV3bYhzRMXwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_9239.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1598" data-original-width="1600" height="636" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GfdMETffiYM/XqPpnR9_ZII/AAAAAAAAMNo/1clKmXX2pzgiNx_Rsi7etoYV3bYhzRMXwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_9239.PNG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
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[Image in my handwriting that says: Would it be easier if I just wrote it once, left edits as they were? (I’m better at improvising anyways)
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PROS
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Defined time, limiting the itime
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Can fashion its ‘look’ or output before starting (i.e. squares if i intended to post it on instagram later)
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not on computer, can touch it!
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CONS
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Who would want to see your edits?
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Isn't it just brainstorming? Making sh*t up as you go?
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Is it the same as a finished / processed thought]
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7KMV-MjOI-4/XqPpnCLgnsI/AAAAAAAAMNk/Qozbjd_bjPIVgbY8dm0li8mXlVsVRkcOQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_9242.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7KMV-MjOI-4/XqPpnCLgnsI/AAAAAAAAMNk/Qozbjd_bjPIVgbY8dm0li8mXlVsVRkcOQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_9242.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px;">[Image of my handwriting that says at the top: ORGANIZATIONAL VOICES IN MY HEAD </span></div>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px;">and below that are these texts in bubbles:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px;">List the priorities, don</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px;">’</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12px;">t prioritize the list</span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(50, 50, 50); color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">Can</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";"> you limit the amount of time you stress out on it?</span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(50, 50, 50); color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">Done</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";"> is betta than good.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">If you could only put out into the world </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(50, 50, 50); color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">something</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";"> you were ok with maintaining is it still worth doing?</span></div>
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<span style="caret-color: rgb(50, 50, 50); color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">And</span><span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";"> outside of those bubbles crammed in-between it says:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">Are you Jamming in too much?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #323232; font-family: "arial";">Do less with more]</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1FnpLqFUFcw/Xr1xZHDHX_I/AAAAAAAAMcU/tgiHh6Wp1bEOocXQyWPjYsZxt848CUXSgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_9241.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1FnpLqFUFcw/Xr1xZHDHX_I/AAAAAAAAMcU/tgiHh6Wp1bEOocXQyWPjYsZxt848CUXSgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/IMG_9241.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">[Image of my handwriting that says:
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold; text-decoration: underline;">What I’ve been Looking at</span> (resources) <br />(and i'm still making my way through them) <br />also these are by brainstorm order <span style="font-weight: bold; text-decoration: underline;">not</span> by priority.
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<ol style="text-align: left;"><ol><span style="font-size: 14px;">
<li><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nPM1_kSZf91ZGkcgy_95Q">This '</a><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/fn3mh5/i_made_a_schedule_to_help_everyone_with_adhd/">coronavirus schedule</a>' by Redditor u/healeys23</li>
<li><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nPM1_kSZf91ZGkcgy_95Q">How to ADHD</a> by Jessica McCabe</li>
<li><a href="https://www.adhddd.com/">Diagrams</a> by Dani Donovan </li>
<li>Diaristic / explanatory comics by <a href="http://adhd-alien.com/">ADHD ALIEN</a></li>
<li>Books about the broader aspects of mental health (not specific to ADHD)|<br />a. Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha' book, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38402046-care-work">'Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice'</a><br />b. J. Jack Halbersam's book, '<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11161565-the-queer-art-of-failure">The Queer Art of Failure'</a><br />c. Adrienne Maree Brown's book, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29633913-emergent-strategy?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=AGpDV2utyw&rank=1">“Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds"</a><br />d. Bessel A. van der Kolk's book, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18693771-the-body-keeps-the-score?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=uKQjGPhmq6&rank=1">‘The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma'</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.maskmagazine.com/not-again/struggle/sick-woman-theory">'Sick Woman Theory</a>’ and this <a href="https://www.canopycanopycanopy.com/contents/letter-to-a-young-doctor">epistolary essay</a> by Johanna Hedva</li>
<li>Dr. Russell Barkley’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzhbAK1pdPM">Lectures found on YouTube</a> and his book <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8215796-taking-charge-of-adult-adhd?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=JBhqvsETdg&rank=1">‘Taking Charge of Adult ADHD'</a> </li>
<li>Inspirational movies about… “Emotional Rescue"?<br />a. <a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/crip_camp_a_disability_revolution">Crip Camp (2020)</a><br />b. <a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/inside_out_2015">Inside Out (2015)]</a></li>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-67633397930651451162020-04-24T07:30:00.000-07:002020-04-25T10:57:21.079-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 3 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">W</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">hen i was thinking about a Intention-Deficit Disorder guide, i first thought that it
needed to work in a quick reference way. So i had this idea that maybe the
beginning of the guide could be for those moments when you're totally flustered, trying to feel
like you're not crazy, (but when you're not able to just grab a CBT workbook and furiously write it all down trying to figure out how to calm yourself down.)<br /><br />There wouldn't be so many pages so that in the middle it would
be easy to find things, reminders for reference, things that you can take or leave. But once you get near the other end of the guide, it'd be a more speculative perspective, existential maybe, that
is also empowering because to get to that part of the guide is to have the bandwidth to do so, AND to be innately curious about following the philosophical quandaries into some unmapped expanse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />i redid the beginning quite a few times before arriving to Version 0.03 because even though i was thinking it wouldn't be like a traditional book, i also knew that it would set the tone for the rest of the zine. i took out the version that started with a glossary or table of contents, and then i took out the version that started with a checklist of things to do when in a kind of emergency. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">so by the time i got to my third pre-rough draft of the <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">ADHD Guide for/by Artists</a>, i felt like i had figured out the most thought striking way to begin a conversation from somewhere in the middle. there was something about the tone of confidence in the extract below that strikes at the heart of <b>'i believe you'</b>... which is such a source of pain for so many with invisible disabilities. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tkv_qU49YNo/XqHmnjqvOsI/AAAAAAAAMMI/bmeYpcX3JlYHHYZsdnibWwuvgTYVZjzQACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528so%2Bmany%2Bplaceholders%25294%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="989" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Tkv_qU49YNo/XqHmnjqvOsI/AAAAAAAAMMI/bmeYpcX3JlYHHYZsdnibWwuvgTYVZjzQACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528so%2Bmany%2Bplaceholders%25294%2Bcopy.jpg" width="394" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of white and jarring yellow text on a black background. It reads: 50 - 70% of ADHD kids are utterly rejected by close friendships by 2nd grade. (The inability to make and keep close sustained friendships with other children) A devastating consequence of this disorder, their child is not as liked as other children, the sleepovers, going to the movies where people celebrate their peer relationships. The emotional impulsiveness [gets in the way]. Friends forgive your distractibility, your working memory problems, and even your restlessness. They will not forgive your anger, your hostility, the quickness with which you emote to other people, because it is offensive, it is socially costly. Dr. Russell Barkeley addressing parents in his talk ‘30 Essential Ideas parents should know about ADHD]</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">i think that this impactful excerpt alone is why so many online ADHD advocates love and refer to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-rkIfo">Dr. Russell Barkley's Youtube videos</a>. Even though his resources are foundational, i argue that they are still not <i>that </i>accessible for the very people they are supposed to help, so i'm making a transcribed bulleted version. (want access to it? please pay it forward on <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">patreon.com/cedrictai</a>)<br /><br />Russell Barkley is the powerful white patriarchal father figure that tells the fear flaming, anti-vaxxing Scientologist what's what. (Can you tell i still yearn for a <a href="http://www.artforourselves.org/glossary.html">QTBIPOC </a>point of view?) He's also really clever with his analogies, which is a boon for advocating for oneself, A BOON!</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is text on a print-making looking background: Attention Deficit <br />
Hyperactive Disorder(ADHD) is a misnomer, (for one, not everyone has hyperactivity) so a Dr. Russell A. Barkley offered a more accurate description: time blindness & intention deficit disorder]</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">one thing i think about is how much i feel like i often forget the
fundamentals of being alive, or how i may take a lot of notes but don't really have everything conveniently in one place. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">i used to try to keep some of these things printed out and kept in my wallet,
but i wanted it also to be interesting if someone asked, 'what is that?' and instead of going into a long personal story, if
you were to flip to any page, in only a few minutes someone might realize that its not about empathizing with personal stories, but that there are overall ableist privileges that have shaped what we think of as 'normal'. And i was hoping it wouldn't be entirely off putting in a confrontational way, but that loving
kindness felt urgent, and where one wouldn't need to have the specific diagnosis of
Intention-Deficit-Disorder to find the research both practical and rich.</span></div>
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<br />
Especially compared to other ways of illustrating Time-Blindness:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vngFqwhOJHU/XqKO50ssFrI/AAAAAAAAMMw/7x5Tqv6-kUgMk70sYSdUofQnsqbJmITaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2019-12-12_14-37-35_020.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1239" data-original-width="1600" height="494" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vngFqwhOJHU/XqKO50ssFrI/AAAAAAAAMMw/7x5Tqv6-kUgMk70sYSdUofQnsqbJmITaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/2019-12-12_14-37-35_020.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A page from the CBT handbook on ADHD, it's as clear as geometric mud to me.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMjMXC5NJa4/XqKPBQ0BlCI/AAAAAAAAMM0/2NNJzhNVpiwjlcjvrcp2Df2KqBiRmrzFQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2019-09-03_10-27-18_199.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="586" data-original-width="1024" height="366" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMjMXC5NJa4/XqKPBQ0BlCI/AAAAAAAAMM0/2NNJzhNVpiwjlcjvrcp2Df2KqBiRmrzFQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/2019-09-03_10-27-18_199.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of a diagram that reads: You can imagine any disease as a graph of causes and effects where each effect itself can be a cause. In ADHD we might see something like this (a real model would be much more complicated). What i'm trying to show is that executive function issues are both caused by the pathology of ADHD while also being the cause of some of the ADHD symptoms. i found this in a Reddit thread and at some point i thought i understood it...]</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Since ADHD is a heterogeneous thing, not only is it an
invisible disability, but it’s one that exhibits symptoms and affects people in
a myriad of ways. There are fun resources <a href="https://adhd-alien.tumblr.com/">(especially comics) </a>that spark a-ha
moments, but i also wanted to be able to be more nimble where it neither feels
necessary to list every kind of first person accounts (in which it’s the details
that make it believable), but also that it could actually make fun of itself, the
concept of a guide that is the be-all-end-all, not make the tired, ‘oh look a
squirrel’ self-deprecating joke, which is just a joke at ones’ own expense. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">i want people to feel
engaged because kindof like the diagnosis, i want the guide to celebrate inhabiting the in-between areas that i think are really potent; <br /><br />between one tone of seriousness
(but anecdotal feel) of a TED talk, <br />and the other tone of seriousness, the neutral
authoritative tone that makes care look a lot like mind numbingly boring labor. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ozw2zIRj-Ds/XqKQD5Ye0QI/AAAAAAAAMNA/HCKBzc_DPM8HvHI3UMTeRAkQYnl2Ij66gCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/comorbidity%2Bhandout.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1114" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ozw2zIRj-Ds/XqKQD5Ye0QI/AAAAAAAAMNA/HCKBzc_DPM8HvHI3UMTeRAkQYnl2Ij66gCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/comorbidity%2Bhandout.jpg" width="444" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of a highly populated diagram of comorbidity with ADHD and how likely someone with ADHD is to have another issue. It ranges from Oppositional Defiant Disorder (Behavioral Disorders) to Neurodevelopmental Disorders, Mood disorders and other co-occurring conditions. This is one of the actual handouts that I got from Kaiser Permanente's group ADHD session. (how many times do you think this was photocopied before it made its way to me?)]</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />and i guess i’m a skeptical/suspicious type, because i’m also wary of the polish
of a message not just because it can feel like it's a sponsored message brought to you by a marketing firm, but that it innocently affirms only
one kind of beauty, when i think that a message can be delivered well in a form
that is just as scrappy as can be. <br /><br />Or just in general, how I know that for me, i’ve
loaded up on meditation apps, but again like <a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G1YhPZHqJcs/XqEi2TMrhoI/AAAAAAAAMKg/yaMgScE8ai8IYb1Egom192CSENUnokw3wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/You%2Bwouldn%2527t%2Bsleep%2Bwith.jpg">with the first page i posted</a>, if you are
easily distracted the moment you touch your smart phone, it’s like trying to
get through a field of landmines just to get to a reminder. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">i’m interested in
if such a thing can directly, but also inherently, challenge an ableist mindset,
and also if it might serve as a gentle reminder to all of the other resources out there,
that everything can always be broken down more into much more digestible chunks,
especially if you need to spell it out to people who simply want to refuse to
believe that Time-Blindness is a thing and who are adamant that we can only rely on Capitalism/Suffering/Hope
for survival.<br /><br />if you DO believe in Capitalism, please consider donating to <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon.com/cedrictai</a></span></div>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-18604491980143682352020-04-23T07:45:00.000-07:002020-04-25T10:59:30.972-07:00ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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i don't know how to get away from trying to appear 'authentic' or being 'funny' when trying to address the very real, un-glamorous side of self-care, but I still think that it's highly underrepresented and underrated... <br />
<br />
what about posts that vulnerably convey exactly how <i>hard </i>it is to take care of ourselves, <b><br />that self-care kindof sucks </b>to <i>HAVE TO DO</i><i> </i>day in, day out, <br />
and that even though an obvious reaction may be pity, instead, the response is a collective sigh, and then an encouraging nudge.<br />
<br />
i don't think that this point can be re-iterated too much, that we <b>are</b> <b>all </b>going
to lose our sh*t both mentally and materially, just like everyone at
some point is going to be disabled, not if, but when (the main <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewpulrang/2020/04/08/netflixs-crip-camp-is-for-everyone/#59824e687312">disability justice</a>
concept). And when sh*t is going down, likely we're going to be coy or
'cute' about it, or will want to try to take care of things all DIY
style because we feel like otherwise we're being a burden. <br />
<br />
This is where i feel like radical disability justice would step in, like that super best friend and say, <a href="http://www.maskmagazine.com/not-again/struggle/sick-woman-theory">WHO IS SICK?</a>, and break down that a big part of what we're really struggling with <br />
is that it's OTHER so-called 'normal' people that don't make it seem alright to be ugly crying in public, <br />
or that in America's lack-of-a-safety-net, <br />
that we have messed up concepts of what one has to <i>prove</i> about how we've tried <b>until we're sore </b>to do things the <i>'normal'</i> way, just so that we can get a break, <br />
or trying to do things at a fundamentally reasonable pace. These are the things that fly in the face of <i>'normal'</i> that push back against happily working oneself to death, <br />
identifying oneself into a singular identity, just so that others are more comfortable. <br />
<br />
i don't know what's more damaging of a word, 'crazy', or 'normal'? <br />
<br />
As one concept of queer theory says: <b>make the normal strange and the strange normal. </b><br />
<br />
<b> </b><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MyXQj1KHhfo/XqJpY7GAV3I/AAAAAAAAMMg/DYLKgA6pCMUV-Yh-3N1Yis4KeiBXKU0AQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528so%2Bmany%2Bplaceholders%25293.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="989" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MyXQj1KHhfo/XqJpY7GAV3I/AAAAAAAAMMg/DYLKgA6pCMUV-Yh-3N1Yis4KeiBXKU0AQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528so%2Bmany%2Bplaceholders%25293.jpg" width="395" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Kermit-the-Frog-Colored page that is an excerpt from: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38402046-care-work">Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha's book, “Care Work.”</a>
"But before we jumped into Google calendar, one member pulled out a
flip chart. She said that before we did anything we needed to talk what
would allow us to give and receive care. Most of us, she pointed out,
had received shitty care, abusive care, care with strings attached. Most
of us, she guessed, would want to give care, and then shrug and say, “I
don’t know, I’m fine” when asked what we needed. We went around: What
made it possible for us to receive care? What was bound up with that act
of reception? Under what conditions could we be vulnerable?”]</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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So in making two pages that are about convincing someone to try something. i feel like i'm either trying to convince people to join me in doing a book club with this amazing <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38402046-care-work">'Care Work'</a>
book that is so appropriate for this exact moment, or... i'm totally that person who says "have you tried yoga?",<br />
<br />
but I feel like unlike the people who say <a href="https://twitter.com/adhd_alien/status/1158797084276985857">"but have you tried chamomile tea?"</a>, i had given yoga a try FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES, and i wish it had been introduced to me less as a <i><br /><br />'you should try it sometime'</i> and more like<br />
<i><br />'ok, i may have joined a cult, but this is downright witchy sh*t, if anything Yoga, not ADHD, has superpowers, it can POOF, turn your brain OFF (in that Matrix there-is-no-spoon kindof way)'</i><br />
<br />
<u>and maybe being injured finally gave me the permission to see it differently that</u><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
a. i didn't like the feeling of sweat, and previously was actually very confused that i would start sweating just from stretching (being tactile sensitive, having an aversion to looking ugly in public) <br />
<br />
b. it feels better than the pain from <i>not</i> stretching, probably the polar opposite of sitting in an office all day (a P.T. once said to me, do you know what the best posture is? the position that your body has been in the least)<br />
<br />
c. it's a downright weird mystical thing to be able to wring out ones body and flush out where one may unconsciously store stress (which sounds all 'woo woo' until you go to a doctor and they can't figure out the source of the pain, also <a href="https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/20/the-body-keeps-the-score-van-der-kolk/">see: the body keeps the score</a>) and then finally</blockquote>
<blockquote>
d. that after the workout (asana) you are actually much more prepped for meditation (in shavasana), and by prepped i mean that, it felt downright miraculous to me that the 101 thoughts that would be going 101 miles per hour practically STOP. </blockquote>
<br />
Something about the combination of the external motivation of someone getting me to focus on either my breathing, my body, or their direction, which is reiterated by being a wave in the ocean when amongst a group, and that i still have to show up voluntarily (because i never actually want to do it at the time, the reasons for self-care will never not be a drag), and that you don't have to know all of the Indian words, or even have to take it all seriously, because it can be more like improv dance than line dancing. <br />
<br />
<b>Caveat: it can also be downright dangerous</b>, and i think that was something i was always skeptical of when seeing my partner talk about pinching her back when she was in a certain position, so thankfully that was an educated-guess worry because there's a lot of BS instructors out there that don't <b>prioritize physical safety or know how to convey it effectively as the #1 most important component.</b> <br />
<br />
Ok, sorry that was long, especially since i've even already written a bunch about <a href="http://ceedric.blogspot.com/2018/07/letter-of-recommendation-unconventional.html">yoga here</a>, but I've never... made a contrarian diagram about it before?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nDdm_SgpE5I/XqHHQENCARI/AAAAAAAAMLo/Xieg1AigS0Qi0IZIKwwfV7tljOrvSMcdgCEwYBhgL/s1600/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528the%2Bdifferent%2Bparts%2Bto%2Ba%2Byoga%2Bpractice%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="989" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nDdm_SgpE5I/XqHHQENCARI/AAAAAAAAMLo/Xieg1AigS0Qi0IZIKwwfV7tljOrvSMcdgCEwYBhgL/s640/ADHD%2BGuide%2Bfor-by%2BArtists%2B%2528the%2Bdifferent%2Bparts%2Bto%2Ba%2Byoga%2Bpractice%2529.jpg" width="394" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Sage colored page that has text in a radiant circle and the title
reads: "The different parts to a yoga practice". I think this is because
my therapist was saying that yoga is A LOT of things, so i thought
maybe one of these might interest someone who has never tried it before.
Listed in no particular order it says "Yoga is... the physical part
(asana), Reducing future pain, being with people, striving &
effort, You for you, meditation, softening, struggle, Rest, Noticing
your body, steadiness and ease, a little bit more focus &
attention, breath informing movement, movement creating an environment
for more breath, if your spine is in alignment, muscles don't tweak, a
five-thousand year old Indian philosophy, and lastly, Yoga is... That
studio that is gentrifying the neighborhood. It is ALL these things and
more.] </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
You know what else i've never done before? Put up a <a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">Patreon page</a>.</div>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-47839559278167363352020-04-22T22:56:00.000-07:002020-04-22T23:55:20.267-07:00 ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Happy Earth Day everyone, we did it, we consumed less, voluntarily, in a coordinated fashion, because of the idea that it could really really help someone we don't know!</b><br />
<br />
i'm also enjoying the breather (although i may look like i'm especially busy) and compared to how much i usually try to hide the fact that i don't know what i'm doing, this is niiice. <br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M-LxpuX-WQM/XqEnecDM-9I/AAAAAAAAMK4/nZ7ZQCPZIIIqKyZS-r0BYVJYrNx4mmelwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Iceberg%2Bof%2Bgrief%2Bsketch.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="412" data-original-width="675" height="243" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-M-LxpuX-WQM/XqEnecDM-9I/AAAAAAAAMK4/nZ7ZQCPZIIIqKyZS-r0BYVJYrNx4mmelwCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Iceberg%2Bof%2Bgrief%2Bsketch.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[image is of a doodle where the tip of the iceberg is anger,
everything beneath the surface is grief, and it's all floating in the
vast ocean of busyness. Now that i'm
thinking about it, if that iceburg melts, we're all going to be
really really busy.]</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>This is also what i know: </b>i had just written a long intro into this blog, trying to connect Earth Day, my life story, and somehow segway into how i'm starting <b><a href="https://www.patreon.com/cedrictai">a Patreon page</a></b> to give structure to an adhd/time-blindness/intention deficit disorder exploration, but then i remembered... <br />
<br />
that i've been staring at the same 2 paragraphs for 5 hours while also simultaneously trying to navigate changes to my healthcare and also watching a Drag King show on Twitch... i'm pretty sure i'm not supposed to be doing a project like this all on my own.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-35pH7GD-Fc8/XqEnApN1Y7I/AAAAAAAAMKw/MYK-sCRc9g4_T-S4jRLRnGan-zrzTkXcACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Cedric%2527s%2Bguide%2Bto%2Bmultitasking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="576" height="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-35pH7GD-Fc8/XqEnApN1Y7I/AAAAAAAAMKw/MYK-sCRc9g4_T-S4jRLRnGan-zrzTkXcACLcBGAsYHQ/s400/Cedric%2527s%2Bguide%2Bto%2Bmultitasking.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[image shows a venn diagram of where to find multitasking, it's in that sweet spot between living and dying] </td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><u>So if you think that an ADHD Guide for/by Artists for people who</u></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
a. struggle with the joys of being neurodivergent,<br />
b. are wanting to add a QTBIPOC context into the mix, and/or <br />
c.who also think that learning materials in the form of 2½ hour long lectures and 1" thick books are as cruel as the word Lisp,</blockquote>
</div>
then this is me reaching out saying as clear as i can: i could use more help, some encouragement, and most urgently of all, i probably could use someone to tell me when something is just 'good enough', and when it has the potential to be lighter, more expansive... <br />
<br />
like how i want to raise funds to pay for the illustrators/designers/someones who can help pull off an interesting/holistic way to visualize some of the most complex ideas...<br />
<br />
or raising enough funds to get this guide into the hands of younger people who may be struggling too; at a moment where they could really use something else to identify with other than a diagnosis/IEP/501.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G1YhPZHqJcs/XqEi2TMrhoI/AAAAAAAAMKg/yaMgScE8ai8IYb1Egom192CSENUnokw3wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/You%2Bwouldn%2527t%2Bsleep%2Bwith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1006" data-original-width="620" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G1YhPZHqJcs/XqEi2TMrhoI/AAAAAAAAMKg/yaMgScE8ai8IYb1Egom192CSENUnokw3wCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/You%2Bwouldn%2527t%2Bsleep%2Bwith.jpg" width="394" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image is of an imagined Public Service Announcement for when it becomes reported that smartphones are too addictive for the constant dopamine hits it creates. In the picture there's a landmine with lit up social media icons in the foreground on a bed with a sleeping person blurred in the background. . The text reads: "You wouldn't sleep with a land mine would you? Kick 'smart phones' out of the bedroom at night." and it looks to have been sponsored by [An accessible ADHD guide for/by Artists aka time-blindness, aka intention-deficit-disorder.]</td></tr>
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i'm going to work on this a little bit everyday, and i'm giving myself until my birthday (May 5th) to make a rough draft that i'd be happy enough to go out into the world; seeking collaborators.<br />
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i can't promise that i'll always enjoy the rigor, or that it won't be
mostly muddled, nor that i won't overwork myself (i don't have a choice
in the matter anyway). But i'm going to be brave and wave a little flag
for the project, and i don't have to try very hard at all to being curious
about this subject, i'll be workin away until you feel like you can
join me. For me it's always meant to be a slow parallel journey in examining my own inner
landscape, and i think that i have a penchant for making things fun even
if it's regimented, so here goes nothing:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I HAVE LOST MY JOB</b>, I'M EXHAUSTED FROM FILLING OUT APPLICATIONS, <b>I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING ART. WHEN I DO MAKE ART, I'M PRETTY GOOD AT IT.</b> THIS IS A PROJECT THAT HAS LONG BEEN IN THE MAKING <span style="font-size: x-small;">(<a href="https://ceedric.blogspot.com/2019/04/my-proposal-for-1st-annual-adhd-time.html?m=0">here</a>, <a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/upcoming.html">here</a>, and <a href="https://vimeo.com/357911064">here</a>)</span> SO IGNORE ANYTIME I SAY THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. <b><a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">PLEASE CONSIDER HOLDING ME ACCOUNTABLE BY SETTING UP A MICRO-DONATION.</a></b> ALSO I'LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE FUN OF PATREON BECAUSE YES, EVERYTHING IS A JOKE TO ME. <b><a href="http://patreon.com/cedrictai">CAN YOU LEND ME $3? THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.</a></b></span><br />
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ok, now back to "Earth Day": <br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; fullscreen" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="300" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/410362689" width="500"></iframe>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Video shows Cedric Tai and Rachel Yezbick dancing fantastically to the Beastie Boys Song, Intergalactic with lots of arm swinging. They are both very exhausted by the end. There will be SO many easter eggs like this hidden throughout Patreon.] </span></div>
Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-20983919635689976652020-03-31T21:54:00.000-07:002020-03-31T21:57:17.387-07:00Isabel Theselius wanted to show us how she approaches fear! and then the pandemic happened...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kn2J97QNcGM/XoQVMwf2dCI/AAAAAAAAMFw/cioFIzO6DesDg9hTCpulXQ2Q6A4KlxLsACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8888%2529_67_of_69.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kn2J97QNcGM/XoQVMwf2dCI/AAAAAAAAMFw/cioFIzO6DesDg9hTCpulXQ2Q6A4KlxLsACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8888%2529_67_of_69.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">At the non-existent opening at <a href="http://www.montevistaprojects.com/">Monte Vista Projects</a>, <a href="https://www.isabeltheselius.com/">Isabel Theselius</a> handed me a vinyl decal and an air freshener that
dangles down from a tiny blue nazar. Both sported the same almost
indecipherable text in a heavy-metal-ish font on a stylized spider
web: “baby on board”. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-59jBAfMOWm8/XoQW1EOY9aI/AAAAAAAAMGY/JHGTRoYLam8W2-kKg2YRLh9uBnK87PyywCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8868%2529_57_of_69.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="265" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-59jBAfMOWm8/XoQW1EOY9aI/AAAAAAAAMGY/JHGTRoYLam8W2-kKg2YRLh9uBnK87PyywCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8868%2529_57_of_69.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">She told me that I didn’t actually have to
have a kid to take it, unless I wanted to give it to some other
artist-parents I knew (I was thinkin <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.annahrund.com/&source=gmail&ust=1585800757177000&usg=AFQjCNFlRkCF25kRwOUnqmWOuIaxrgYK3A" href="https://www.annahrund.com/" target="_blank">Anna</a>
& Rollin), but I could still have it too. I think I know what she
means, because if I want to feel like a badass parent with the newfound
supernatural powers of telepathy, intense day-dreaming and fearlessness,
then this too is for me, regardless of the fact that I have no idea
where to put this stuff.
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Like, if I gave this to some family, which car
would they put this on? The suburban mini-van/SUV hybrid? The mid-life
crisis dream car? I should mention that she’s also wearing a belt buckle
she cast and painted herself, made with the same imagery as a painting
in her show, her 2.5 year-old kid driving like hell down through an
abstract forest where the high beams are flames and the interior of the
car is of another dimension entirely. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Next to that piece is what I think is the most
shocking piece. It’s her wild blonde haired kid, naked, riding a
white-hot skeleton motorcycle which is barreling through a psychic
beyond. You just don’t see anyone portraying their own kin with an
intimacy with death, or rather, a sense of calm adventure with the
myriad ways one kid could lose a limb. Now I’m thinking about the
gruesome acts which were the predecessors of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/09/world/americas/mexico-women-strike-protest.html&source=gmail&ust=1585800757177000&usg=AFQjCNGWdqucrMClTy42IdnexYQepb5a2A" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/09/world/americas/mexico-women-strike-protest.html" target="_blank">the epic women’s march and next-day strike</a>
that took place in Mexico City before the coronavirus epidemic made
everyone scarce. In comparison to the lack of people in this non-opening
there’s actually a lot of work in this show and each piece feels too
playful to be contained.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9z-S9cf22as/XoQXkfUrG0I/AAAAAAAAMGs/y4eJo8UGrd4QcvuDp1bJ4o7O3jiSnZ5PQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8882%2529_62_of_69.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9z-S9cf22as/XoQXkfUrG0I/AAAAAAAAMGs/y4eJo8UGrd4QcvuDp1bJ4o7O3jiSnZ5PQCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/2020-03-14_%2528IMG_8882%2529_62_of_69.jpg" width="640" /></a> </div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The simple gesture of flipping fear on its
head is really understated, partly because the craft is rendered with
just enough reverence to a spiritual realm, similar to the kinds of
hidden symbols you’d look for in tarot cards. Almost a year ago, I
admitted to Isabel that I didn’t know what to do with this unnerving
artist block that was lasting for years and I explained that I was
trying a Jodorowsky ‘<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alejandro_Jodorowsky%23Psychomagic&source=gmail&ust=1585800757177000&usg=AFQjCNH1wz8AbfXYcMEmnHElZN6btcQO0g" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alejandro_Jodorowsky#Psychomagic" target="_blank">Psychomagic</a>'
curriculum with friends. She casually suggested ‘Big Magic’ by
Elizabeth Gilbert. I really do highly recommend this book, because it
sold me on how ideas are these living things that want to collaborate
with us, but only if we’re chill about it. And that we also have to
fully kick the bad habit of romanticizing 'the suffering artist’ martyr
and become a ‘trickster' that has a genius, rather than is a genius. The
range and amount of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.isabeltheselius.com/&source=gmail&ust=1585800757177000&usg=AFQjCNEqDbzrQ6d5cb7XHI2dfm6Y7y2oiA" href="https://www.isabeltheselius.com/" target="_blank">her work</a> would be intimidating if it didn’t feel like such a practical natural flow. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I asked her if she meditated or did yoga before getting into this work (I asked because I had just been looking at <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.kissoftheworld.net/&source=gmail&ust=1585800757177000&usg=AFQjCNEMFaYgGMr4TpFylEY6mMrmV4vHXg" href="https://www.kissoftheworld.net/" target="_blank">Haruka Tanaka’s</a> mystical <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.instagram.com/p/B9aQZqSlX0H/?utm_source%3Dig_web_copy_link&source=gmail&ust=1585800757178000&usg=AFQjCNHoWyGKCY1kgUabe-CFGEyqVHZdJg" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B9aQZqSlX0H/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link" target="_blank">body scanning drawings</a>
where her quiet channeling results in loud visuals) but she shrugs that
that’s what the art making is for her, she doesn’t need anything else.
Nate and Isabel were on the same <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://crosstownarts.org/&source=gmail&ust=1585800757178000&usg=AFQjCNGHxHyE20kV9UkosnJPifDKZkT6iQ" href="https://crosstownarts.org/" target="_blank">Crosstown</a>
artist-in-residency in Memphis, Tenneesee where she also used a nearby
Maker-space (with the 2-hour daycare window) to make some speedy work.
I’m encouraged by the ritual or rhythm I feel like I can detect in the
work, or whatever regularity it is that helped to produce this tight
body of work that is pretty much riffing on the same
statement/sentiment. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">She says that it drives her kid crazy that he
can’t just play with the hand-made motorcycle (at most he can wear the
biker jacket), and someone else asks if she thinks he might feel
embarrassed later at some point by these works. No one asked me, but I
blurt out, ‘nah, more likely he’d need to worry how to live up to it
all.’</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I thought I was on this kick where I complain about solo shows and how they feel morally bankrupt in a time when collective action is more necessary than ever, but you know what they say... 'don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.' Or I could just say that this show sidestepped my overly righteous opinion. Check it out? Am I even allowed to say that right now?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>The opening is postponed, and we're supposed to stay at home, but a closing IS listed as April 19th at <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.montevistaprojects.com/&source=gmail&ust=1585800757178000&usg=AFQjCNHiHZ43KCnbqzdTw-eHfkwdwni_gw" href="http://www.montevistaprojects.com/" target="_blank">Monte Vista Projects</a>; maybe they'll present it virtually? What if I still want to read about art shows that no one actually gets to see? Can we make this a thing?</i> </span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Also, how timely is this little button that says "Stay Sick"? </span></span></td></tr>
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3157249431993738578.post-13986051598125501942020-02-14T20:05:00.001-08:002021-05-30T18:36:39.590-07:00A 'Crip Art Review' of Veronique d'Entremont art<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Video still from </span><a href="https://vimeo.com/327239013" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 10pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">‘Church of Art’</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> with Kim Ye and Laub at Human Resources</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><a href="https://cargocollective.com/fakeveronique/About-Veronique-d-Entremont" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Veronique d’Entremont</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> strikes me as determinedly self-assured, generous and potentially goofy at the drop of a hat. </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We probably both gush over Jodorowsky’s Psychomagic curriculum, Anne Carson’s Autobiography of Red, and a slew of bell hooks books.</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She’s a trauma worker/educator, a phoenix and a poet. I feel like she has really done her pedagogical homework, so I’m keen to talk with her more about my </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JowPOqRmxNs&t=4s" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Intention Deficit Disorder</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> because it sounds like she may understand it from both sides.</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She is currently on an artist-in-residency in Cleveland where she will once again grapple with the presence of fire and how radical care may be necessary in order to re-frame ecological devastation from being past the point of no return, into an accessible process of healing.</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She’s part of a powerful contingency of proud queer sculptors taking LA by storm via artist-run spaces. </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hopefully I didn’t overdo it with the pleasantries, that may be what I think I’m supposed to do before launching into a world of my own. I’d like to call this feeling of faking an authority to write about anything </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Crip Art Criticism</span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, where I’m allowed to say whatever, and take however long as I need to flesh something out, as long as I pepper in some quotable nuggets. Four stars says the review, best show so far this year, no one does it better... </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Behind Nikita Gale’s show at Coaxial we chatted about the notion of getting back into one’s art making practice. She previously fabricated artworks for a famous artist and enjoyed seeing how the output really had her hand in it, but that it was a reminder to turn that energy back towards her own work. I was explaining that I felt born again now having given myself permission to make </span><a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/upcoming.html#BadArtworks" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">50 bad artworks</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> in three months, to throw myself at the whims of useless and probably embarrassing fun. I made a mental note to get to know her better, as I know that the more I get insight into someone’s process the more I come to understand my own questions about myself.</span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An important diagram from ‘Church of Art’, <a href="https://vimeo.com/327239013">watch it</a> if you want to know what it all means.</span></span></td></tr>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br />So I need to get something out of the way...</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In this LA art scene where once you find your microclimate everyone becomes friends and the world thankfully gets smaller and more manageable... </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">am I the last one to have just learned that Veronique’s work may be largely informed by having a suicidal mother? That she’s the kin of a person committed to suicide? </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought I had a lot of questions already, but this kind of made my head explode because I already want to ask ‘How’ questions and far too personal questions. But no one owes me any answers, especially not to the same level as my intense curiosity. I always feel like I want to know so badly, because to me, answers are things that can come easily to others, and not so much to me. In my process of inquiry with others, entire worlds, possibilities and potential new ways of being unfold in an instant in front of me. </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Footnote/Tangent 1) </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is what my first most immediate questions looked like as a stream of consciousness:</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been trying to grapple with a pre-verbal understanding of why I lack a certain level of self worth that most likely comes from my interactions with my parents. Having a mother that was so sick that she openly discussed suicide with you, how did you keep your self-worth intact? Did you become a caregiver? A hostage? Besides having your grandmother to commiserate with, what was helping you to come to terms with all of this? Have you always used art to cope or did it start with friends? If anyone read you as Goth, were you like, ‘Dude, you have no idea’? What’s your relationship with your dad like? Was your mother only suicidal for 6 years? How soon do you bring this up when you are teaching about mental health? You were in an accident and you mentioned needing more processing time. Did you first have a relationship to mental health as an advocate when coming to terms with your mother, and then after your accident and your rehabilitation feel more part of ‘the club?’ </span><a href="http://maskmagazine.com/not-again/struggle/sick-woman-theory" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Joanna Hedva</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> talks about not taking her chronic illness personally because it doesn’t make sense for her to really be embarrassed about anything she has no agency over, and moreover it reveals more about what a larger culture exhibits as it’s worth through how it supports care/disability. Is there something that you feel separate from that you don’t take personally? Have you seen Russian Doll on Netflix? What question are you tired of hearing the most? </span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then I had this question that wasn’t directed towards Veronique:</span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why do I have the sinking feeling that I’m the first to put your mother’s illness out there in an art review?
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BjJkT7Z5VYU/YLQ9cpV7XYI/AAAAAAAANs0/OUOFWLP8AzM10DX7Ae64k-v6OQeKcrEZwCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/Screen%2BShot%2B2021-05-30%2Bat%2B6.34.07%2BPM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1150" data-original-width="2048" height="360" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BjJkT7Z5VYU/YLQ9cpV7XYI/AAAAAAAANs0/OUOFWLP8AzM10DX7Ae64k-v6OQeKcrEZwCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h360/Screen%2BShot%2B2021-05-30%2Bat%2B6.34.07%2BPM.png" width="640" /></a></div></span></span></div><br />
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I get it, this isn’t something you’d put in a bio or anything, but I swear, I didn’t stumble upon that information ANYWHERE. And I’m pretty sure it must come up allll the time. But I don’t know, maybe Veronique is open to opening up about it, but not putting it out on blast. I’m pretty sure that Veronique made </span><a href="https://cargocollective.com/fakeveronique/If-Every-Mother-Were-A-Saint-Heaven-Would-Be-Full-By-Now-Part-I" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this recent video piece</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> about it maybe because she was a little bit over having to explain certain things over and over to people just learning about her work, while simultaneously knowing that to bring it up casually in conversation would irreversibly pivot whatever conversation about her work into one-track mind questions, “How did she kill herself?” “How old were you?” Sure, no one wants to be pigeon holed as the’artist-who-has-a-lot-to-say-about-mental-health-because-mom-totally-killed-herself’ but how do we know we’re not adding to some kind of stigma that suicide is unspeakable/unknowable/unacceptable? </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Footnote/Tangent 2)</span></span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also, I’ll admit that part of my shock of feeling like I was the last person to find out that this may be a big part of her identity or art practice or something, is connected to me having one of those embarrassing judgy moments that does a 180. </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I saw the advertisement for her show with the head made out of beeswax and honeycomb and I thought to myself, that self-portrait is kind of… meh, maybe that’s why she had to add the bees… (It’s unfortunate that I’m a judgmental prick, but I try to make up for it with having a lot of heart and am committed to the joy of being wrong.) </span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br />At some point, Veronique personally invited me to come see her latest exhibition and explains that it’s another cast she’s made of this self-portrait that her mother made... <i>(Egg on my face, she’s not the artist, her mom is!) </i>and she’s been dead for years now... <i>(Oh geez, I’m an asshole)</i>. But unlike most people in her situation, her mother had been talking with her and her grandmother about planning the suicide for years… <i>(Wait what?) </i>So my mind pretends to pay attention as Veronique is telling me about an upcoming performance, that it’ll be at xx pm and I should RSVP on the Eventbrite page <i>(You had me at ‘potentially traumatic childhood’ can we be friends? Also, I was actually already planning on it, seeing as how all I want to do is to support other artist-educator-former-fabricators ramping back up one’s art practice, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I feel very personally invested in learning much much more.) </i></span></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So yeah, getting to hear Veronique in person talk about her work is kind of where it’s at.</span></span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought that I could only write about something well if I knew at least the basics about X, Y and Z.
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In this case X Y Z would be:
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>X</b>: Psychology (and where is it nowadays between “Eastern” and “Western medicine”)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Y</b>: Mysticism (and where is it nowadays somewhere between a history of radical thinking and communal self-care) </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Z</b>: Generational Trauma (and where is it located somewhere between DNA and sectarianism)</span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 9pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Danny Mekonnen’s altar in “</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 9pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her Body Became an Antenna, Transmitting the Message of God”</span></span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All of these topics seem imperative right now even for my own work, but I haven’t put any of that work out into the world, only the symptoms that have come out in the form of </span><a href="https://construction.cedrictai.com/lists.html#WorkHarder" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">anxiety-based artwork</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Veronique seems to want the opposite of that sentiment of having ones definitions and theory in order to join a conversation, and even sidesteps these topics entirely in a practice of empathy for other ways of knowing. The first thing I thought about was if there was another culture/time/space in which her mother survives due to the sheer will of the community that she is within. Or is it the other way around, where we could exist in a culture that doesn’t stigmatize suicide, but rather see it as an option that exists for a reason, where it’s not contagious, and we celebrate the miracle of death just as we celebrate the miracle of being born. I think that for as messy as it is, Veronique maybe learned what it means to share from her mother. Once one gets past the idea that a mother that talks about her suicide to her family is no mother at all, maybe it’s worth thinking about how this compares to those that hide their symptoms and qualities of disability for the comfort of others and to their own detriment. </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Veronique shares long conversations with people where there are moments to get to know each other’s quirks, moments of humor, and moments for comparing notes and sharing information. When talking about crip and disability studies, she gave me her teaching syllabi. She tells me that maybe people with disabilities have important perspectives, a kind of usefulness. This is kind of alien to me because </span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/3wbt14/russel_barkley_believes_that_adhd_has_no/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve adopted the mantra that I have been able to pull off great things despite ADHD</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, not because of it. Christopher Cole also recently sent me an excerpt titled <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38402046-care-work">‘Crip Emotional </a></span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38402046-care-work">Intelligence’</a> where in one part it says, </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“The deficiency model by which most people view disability only sees disabled people as a lack, a defect, damaged good, in need of a cure. The idea that we have cultures, skills, science, and technology runs counter to all that…” </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“… Crip emotional intelligence means not taking it personally sometimes, when another disabled person is short with you, is fumbling for words, is frustrated. Instead, you must assume that they just threw up for eight hours, have been fighting suicide for a week, have cellulitis in one of their legs again… …I’m not talking about excusing verbal abuse; I’m talking about the ways we cut each other slack. I’m talking about the ways we start from the assumption that someone might be dealing with a lot of pain… </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">…Is understanding that beds are worlds. Houses are worlds. Cars are worlds... </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">…Is understanding that everything will break, everything will take longer than you think, the elevator will be broken at the BART station and Paratransit will be three hours late. And that these are not surprises. These are deliberate acts in a world that doesn’t value or fund access."</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She sent me a link to her video for <a href="https://cargocollective.com/fakeveronique/If-Every-Mother-Were-A-Saint-Heaven-Would-Be-Full-By-Now-Part-I">“If Every Mother Were A Saint, Heaven Would Be Full By Now. Part I”</a>. Her voiceover had a more serious tone to it, but serious in the way that a tarot reader lays out and flips cards over one by one, seeing information rather than abstractions. I’m glad it’s a video that I can pause rewind and re-watch. There is a feel to it as if she wants to tell you that her mother died, and she wants to have the conversation that she’s interested in, not the one that ends in the same… “I’m sorry for your loss”… </span><br />
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25331834-the-art-of-living" style="text-decoration-line: none;">Penny Arcade says in ‘The Art of Living’ </a></span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I do not share things in order to process them. By the time I reveal something on stage I have found a way to transform the experience into something else.” </span></blockquote>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This video has ‘processing’, thinking moments. When she stops speaking sometimes there is a river of movement from the camera fixed on a wall that a train is passing by. Other times you’re admiring the landscape in a downward view, reminiscent of being lost in thought and remembering to look someone in the eye because you’re in a conversation with them. Veronique has piercing eyes.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I kept pulling stills from ‘Church of Art’, because at one point I was going to break down her charming and performative affect. This one illustrates the “Piercing eyes” look.</span></td></tr>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s hard for me to describe what’s so captivating about the performative aspects of her divulging her research. I think some part of it has to do with how she switches between different points of view, and how there are times you think you can tell when she’s incredulous of someone’s beliefs, or if she’s making fun of someone’s crazy ideas, or if she too has consumed some of the toxic honey she mentions and has entered a totally new level of research consciousness, one quite removed from reality. </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In one text, she's speaking to someone that’s only referred to as something like “The Bee Man says...” which I took as highlighting the ridiculousness of the self-mythologizing tone that many older white men covet. The title itself is a skeptical argument: “If every mother were a saint, then heaven would be full [of it]” (that addition of heaven as bullshit is my emphasis, not hers). And then she references how the shape of the fracture in her skull from her accident was EXACTLY the same size and location as a fracture in her mothers skull, and how it took place exactly 5 years and 5 days after her mother left the corporeal world, an exact amount of time dictated by bureaucratic rules in which a saints miracle must occur. And she just kind of leaves it at that. She sounds like she's applying for her mother’s sainthood in the way that someone applies for a VISA. Then in another moment, she’s making fun of her teacherly tone that pauses in all the right places for effect, self deprecating. At the same time, it could go the other way too, where we realize we are simply gullible people eating up this fiction that she’s masterfully served up.</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There’s a lot to talk about in the work, even though I think that she wants the physical artwork to be 'beyond words' and be somewhat self-evident. You are meant to trace the effort in the making of the thing, the decisions she's made where an original is in relation to a mother mold, and taking in the resulting work as installed to properly relay its omnipresent kind of presence. </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: 700; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Footnote/Tangent 3)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What I enjoyed about trying to see more of her work was that I had to go to multiple places to get the bigger picture, and that she didn’t feel compelled to put everything into a single all encompassing show even though her research is kind of an all encompassing thing. Her video that gave clear context to the work was screened separately at </span><a href="https://marathonscreenings.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">someone’s personal home</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> where the format is a potluck and conversation. The exhibition, in a space that’s part of an </span><a href="https://www.nthngspcl.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">artist-run studio</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> holds space for her and </span><a href="https://artlab.harvard.edu/Danny-Mekonnen" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">another artist</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> on her invitation. </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I really appreciate that she tucks her work into spaces of mutual support </span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 10pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Footnote/Tangent 4)</span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and that she’s always down to facilitate something meditative, reflective, possibly vulnerable. I’m assuming she’s doing really well after I read this in Francis Weller’s the </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23992445-the-wild-edge-of-sorrow" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wild Edge of Sorrow</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">:</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Through meaningful rituals, a community of friends, some time in benevolent solitude, and effective practices that help us stretch into our bigger selves, we are offered the opportunity to develop a living relationship with loss. We can recover faith and grief that recognizes that grief is not here to take us hostage, but instead to reshape us in some fundamental way, to help us become our mature selves, capable of living in the creative tension between grief and gratitude.”</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her film has some editing moments that gently disturb me, and I’m convinced it’s all very intentional. There are always subtitles which I appreciate, but at one point she says “mother” and the word fails to appear on the screen. I hope this doesn’t eventually get edit corrected, because there’s something about when words fail that also may be something difficult to say outright, which is to say, when her mother failed her, and yet, maybe, it is not personal… </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Near the end of the film she’s filming her grandmother. Someone once said to me that parenthood is misunderstood, that we’re not meant to fuss over the success of ones sons or daughters, but further down, your children’s children, thinking in skipped generations, and I wonder about if that bond creates an unintended middle child syndrome that is the parent… The most ominous moment in the film is when Veronique begins, "my grandmother asks me to turn off the camera so she can show me how she speaks in tongues..." “...i tell her that i have...”.
She’s about to play the video recording of her grandmother speaking in tongues, so I’m bracing myself to be judgy again. This time, I'm jumping to conclusions thinking about how self-centered it is for her to use her grandmother’s sincere beliefs as a curious moment of entertainment in the piece, but instead, only a blank black screen appears for a few seconds. And it is at this moment that I realize that I’m a hypocrite, I was actually hoping to get a voyeuristic look at this older woman’s faith, while then still feeling free to chastise Veronique for doing so.</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So now here are my questions. I’ll pretend that this is a genie scenario where I only get to ask three in total:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where do life-affirming beliefs (of the fictional, story-telling variety) meet a… disconnection from reality?</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>One recent therapist said to me that they have such disdain for “life coach” types of therapists, saying “and that’s allllright”, where getting better is synonymous with being happy, and to stop feeling so self-conscious. He’d say that we’re supposed to be self-conscious and grounded in reality! He only says about 5 things on repeat, one of which is that “he helps people feel feelings that are too painful to feel on their own.” So I think my question is kindof about the long, wordless, invisible process that is about having faith in healing, and wondering what are the stories that make up Veronique.</i></span><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do you believe in spirits/ghosts/an afterlife, or do you think, like I do, that it’s a misnomer and that it doesn't exist without us projecting? </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<i><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That ghosts (or rather poltergeists) if they exist, are our inner projections out into the world, and all ‘strange activity’ is simply a result of ’stress’. Stress has always been a remarkably mysterious process, especially in the forms that it takes, and the indirect ways it seems like it must be handled, which is why I don’t think it would be a far cry that stress has magical abilities, one of which is to burrow deep into parts of the body, (</span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18693771-the-body-keeps-the-score?from_search=true&qid=4GhVVfEO7N&rank=1" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Body Keeps the Score</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), that yoga etc. has to work back out. Ghosts on the other hand are pretty dependent on architecture, but at some point when the sun envelops the earth, there won’t even be any ground to walk on to haunt. I can’t not see it as an anthropomorphizing of the interconnected energy that is the universe and beyond.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What is it about ‘institutional spaces’? </span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>You mentioned briefly that western diagnosis was a fucked up way to control people and animals , but it sounded like you knew that western diagnosis still has a place. I mentioned my appreciation of Anthropology for how it provides a set of tools for critical thinking, but it is also one of the more self-reflective disciplines today. What I couldn’t explain in that moment after your show, Rach was able to lay out for me: Sure, anthro often has a colonial context, but there was also a huge restructuring of the field in the 80s and 90s in a really deep introspective way that opened and created space for diverse perspectives and decolonized research. It was called ‘the self reflexive turn’. And this is something Anthropologists have been developing for decades. Anthropology is practiced worldwide by every nation and color, even though it was started in the West, (as were most of the research tools that have become global due to colonization) people around the world find it a useful way to understand injustice and to use its power to create a critical discourse even in their own country. Furthermore, Anthropology is about understanding how the capitalist system around us impacts the ways in which we’re asked to identify. In an act of healing, people are questioning underlying questions in society that used to be given.</i></span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In Veronique’s work, it is all about healing, and she’s not going to be anyone's martyr. (There’s a great description of Trickster energy vs the Martyr in a book called </span><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24453082-big-magic?from_search=true&qid=afk2qmosBd&rank=1" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Big Magic</span></a><span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) She works towards creating a thoroughly enjoyable process and as this long meandering writing might prove, she gives the impression that entire psychological and other worlds exist. She doesn’t just have to live in the world where bewildering coping strategies state a fact: “your mother died, so that you could live”, but instead, that sentence among others, is simply material for whatever is useful for her, and that’s a crip happy ending.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jXEW1m6fwJg/Xx-iuChNJZI/AAAAAAAAM60/FAewnaXwS3s_1R2-2y8B8eaA5jF5epetgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/2020-01-12_%2528IMG_8424%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jXEW1m6fwJg/Xx-iuChNJZI/AAAAAAAAM60/FAewnaXwS3s_1R2-2y8B8eaA5jF5epetgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/2020-01-12_%2528IMG_8424%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Veronique
d’Entremont in the background and a detail from 'Her Body Became an
Antenna, Transmitting the Message of God'. (2019). Self-portrait
sculpted by the artist’s mother and re-cast in beeswax, honeycomb, steel
frame, gold leaf</span></td></tr>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-66d1343a-7fff-c97c-5536-57c673a7dab6"></span> </span><br />
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*(Footnote / Tangent 1)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The most poignant version of this is when something that I grapple with, something attached to shame, is simply cut like a red ribbon and the weight drops to the floor. Looking down on it, it doesn’t look like it was that heavy, but I know that what was so intense was the connection it had to me, this toxic slow drip, and I may look above me and see many ribbons that dictate my movements, like a puppet, but having it cut did not drop me, but if I were to cut all ribbons, I’d just crumple on the floor.</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*(Footnote / Tangent 2)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I was a totalitarian ruler, everyone would have to go to talk therapy so that there wasn’t any stigma around it, that one wouldn’t simply need to be sick to do it, and eventually it would just be that annoying thing that everyone has to routinely do, like brushing your teeth. Although there may be evidence that suicide can be a contagious idea, rather than earnestly talk about disability and illness on an everyday level, it becomes a kind of sensation on a hyper-media level, and studies have correlated that the way major media sources report on school shooting results in a ripple of copycat murder-suicides.
In some countries, suicide is legal, and even there, the whole experience still pretty much sucks, but I’ve always found something unfortunate about the way we consider suicide in the U.S. as a moral failing rather than as simply sickness, pain, suffering or a representation of how well we take care of those who are disabled.
Unfortunately the pro-suicide side of the US has been largely represented by a creepy Kevorkian who was probably only just as ethically flexible as those doctors who write exemption letters for religious parents. What I wish was better understood is that a lot of doctors themselves believe less in the death penalty and more on the right to commit suicide, especially for themselves. What they don’t tell patients is that at the end of THEIR lives, the last place they’d want to be is at the hospital. They wouldn’t want the experience their patients go through, instead they’d want more control, to not be in a coma while aware of being in a coma, to spend their last moments in the comforts of their own home rather than being kept alive in a sterile hospital environment. I’m sure the personal pro-life beliefs are part of a big fun bundle that definitely has an opinion about a woman’s right to choose, how people choose to be gay, how medications couldn’t possibly be necessary with so many natural remedies, and how wealth inequality is just part of God’s will.</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*(Footnote / Tangent 3)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Things that are omnipresent: Memory, textures, your body in relation to things around you, your struggles, ghosts (the ones we make), the tension when trying to figure out what to do next, poetry, other people’s heavy beliefs.
The reason I wanted to write out that list was because I wanted to exercise some other ways of speaking about her work that doesn’t just re-use how she already speaks about her own work. I just realized how hard it is to write a review of her work that doesn’t feel like I’m just lazily taking her turns of phrase, her content, and pretending that I came up with those revelations... I’d be surprised if no one has written about her work yet, because well… she kind of just hands you some brilliant things to put on paper which will undoubtedly appear as a super intriguing and very intimate understanding of her work:
“Mysticism and Mental Health” <— that’s the title of your review right there!
“Veronique says that ‘she’s learning from the bees… that the swarm has to choose you…”
“… not only is the ‘mother’ mold an apt phrase here, but also in this process of casting, the original must be destroyed, reproduced in an alchemic process in which a new object is born.”
“she connected the way that her father kept the skull fragment in a safe, to the altars in these small Italian towns, which supposedly containing the body of their patron saint.”
“a focal point in their celebration is the re-representation and consumption of a part of the woman’s body, (grisly removed in the act of torture) amidst being martyred. Breasts that were sliced off or the way xx saint had their eyes plucked out, they become this curious thing made in their likeness, and served on a platter.“
I apologize to Veronique if I’m not doing any of her work any favors at this point, my intention is not to flaunt a kind of jokey ‘being-in-the-know’, but I’m hoping I’m getting across just how many layers there are to access and how fun it is to get into the work, and in the way that she talks about it.</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="color: blue; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*(Footnote / Tangent 4)</span></div>
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve been wondering if there is a way to speak to how I feel like in some ways the idea of constantly needing to present a career chock full of ‘solo shows’ feels morally bankrupt? Is it unprofessional of me to say that the main reason I got into art was to make good friends, but the way we do things now makes things feel unnecessarily competitive? And why play into a system that requires a lot of labor of many hands, many minds, but instead props up the myth of the ‘individual genius’?</span><br />
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here's links again to the people/spaces I touched on, but didn't name explicitly:
Her video that gave clear context to the work was screened separately at <a href="https://marathonscreenings.com/">someone’s personal home <b>(Marathon Screenings)</b></a><b> </b>where the format is a potluck and conversation. The exhibition, in a space that’s part of an <a href="https://www.nthngspcl.com/">artist-run studio <b>(Nothing Special)</b></a> holds space for her and another artist <b>(<a href="https://artlab.harvard.edu/Danny-Mekonnen">Danny Mekonnen</a>) </b>on her invitation. </span><br />
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<span face=""calibri" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She is always quick to point out that in the exhibition 'Her Body Became an Antenna, Transmitting the Message of God' is "a joint effort with a boston-based collaborator, Danny Mekonnen, who created the altar, the photographs, and composed the score that we all sat and listened to during the Transmission Session".
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Cedric Taihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05621308874666853607noreply@blogger.com0